Page 99 of Between Now and Always

I turn to look him so he can see how strongly I feel about this, because it contradicts what I just said.

“If we’re right, I gladly spend the rest of my life and every penny I earn to see her free and to see him pay.”

The clank of the metal key turning in the lock makes my heart trip, and then thud. We both stand as the creak of rusty hinges echoing the whining drone of dread that makes my ears ring as we wait for our first glimpse of the woman who gave birth to us.

She walks in, her head bowed, her hands restrained by cufflinks that are attached to chain around her waist and connected to a chain that leads to restraints around her ankles.

She’s nothing like I imagined. The first things that strike me are how small she is. She’s only a few inches taller than five feet and if she weighs a hundred pounds, it’s only when wet. She’s about the same age as Penn. But where Penn’s hair is still a vibrant blonde, Susan’s hair is completely white, and pulled away from her face in a long, stringy ponytail. It’s so thin on the top of her head that you can see her scalp through it.

None of us speak as the guard leads her to the table, pushes her into the chair with more force than necessary, and attaches one of her wrist cuffs to a metal loop on the table.

She clasps her small hands together in front of her and stares steadfastly down as the guard tugs to make sure she’s secure. The restraints dig into her skin when he does this. I wince. She doesn’t react at all.

I know she’s here because she confessed to a violent crime, but seeing her restrained in such a dehumanizing way makes me angry.

I glance at Phil and see the muscle in his jaw working as he watches, too.

I can’t imagine what her life in here has been. The air is rife with oppression and hopelessness. The process of entering the jail was a clinical stripping away of our privacy. We filled in documents, handed over all the forms of ID they required and were subjected a very thorough full body pat down. Shoes, belts, everything that we might take off in the days before I started paying for Global Access at the airport, came off before we walked through a metal detector. We had to leave our phones, smart watches,

We’ve been here for four hours and I’m itching to leave. I can’t imagine facing a lifetime in here.

The guard turns to address us. “You’ve got two hours. If you want to leave sooner than that, you can use the phone over there to call for a guard. If you want more time, you’ll have fill out more paperwork. It is our prerogative to end your visit sooner and you must comply with all of our directives. You may use the coins in the bag to purchase items from the vending machine for you and the inmate, but you are not allowed to leave any money with her. If we perceive you to be in violation of any of these rules, your visit will be terminated and you will be banned from the facility for three months. Do you understand everything I have told you?”

He says all of this by rote, watching us with a look that is meant to intimidate, and does. We are completely at the mercy of these people.

“Yes.”

“Do you have any questions?”

“No,” we say in unison.

“Have a safe visit.”

He turns and leaves us alone with her.

The door shuts with a clanging thud and the room is completely silent, save for the tick of the wall clock and the hum of the vending machines. Her head remains bowed, her hands clenching and unclenching on 4th table in front of us.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Phil speaks first, picking up the bag of quarters, opens it and pours a stack of change into his hands.

She shakes her head.

“Are you sure?”

She looks up then and my breath catches in my throat. She’s beautiful. Her face is lined, but smooth and clear. Her eyes are the same green as mine. They’re clear and direct as she takes us both in.

“Heraised you?” She directs the question to Phil, her expression enigmatic, as she takes him in.

“Yes. He did.”

She nods, and her eyes narrow. “Do you think he’s a good man?”

“No. He’s not. And I’m nothing like him.”

She purses her lips, but her eyes give nothing of what she’s thinking away.

“Because of his wife?” she asks.

“Yeah, she’s a good woman.”

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