Page 59 of The Sun and Her Star

And she should be. If she knew where I’d been, she’d wash her mouth out with bleach.

I turn my back on her, grasp both sides of the sink and hang my head in shame.

“We shouldn’t have done that. Not now. Not that …” I feel her moving toward me, and I stiffen my shoulders and say, “I think … you should go.

Enough

Apollo

I can taste Graham’s salty cum on my lips and tongue.

And, he just asked me to leave. After everything.

I’m numb with shock. “You want me to …leave?” I repeat, even though I don’t want him to say it again.

He nods, his broad, muscular, beautiful back to me, his head bowed while he holds on to the sink like he’s the one who’s had his legs cut out from underneath him.

Seeing that unclogs the blockage of patience and love that have kept a lid on the anger and frustration that’s been festering for years now.

“You fucking asshole!” I scream at his back.

He whips around, his eyes wide with shock. “Apollo …” he chokes out.

“What? Did you think I was going to thank you, Graham? You think I was gonna say, ‘Oh, yes, I’ll leave.’”I flap my hands in the air like the pathetic, wounded animal he must think I am.

“I’ve walked around for years. Mooning over you. Waiting for you to see me. Waiting for you to stop making excuses and finally want me.”

“Apollo,” he interrupts and takes a step toward me.

“You’ve said enough.” I need out of this bathroom. I fling the door open and step back into his bedroom.

He hurries out after me. “Please, wait. It’s not that …”

“It’s not what? You said a lot of shit in the cab tonight. And just like London, they were just lies.” My voice breaks on the last word and tears spill from my eyes, and I feel like my heart is bleeding as I sob, unable to stop it.

He walks toward me. “Please … stop. I’m sorry.”

“No,I’msorry. I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have done what I just did. I was drunk. I thought …”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” he says angrily, his teeth clenched.

My heart sinks.What have I done?

I run my hands through my hair and then cover my face with my hands.

I can’t fucking take this. I scream. The sound is muffled by my hands, but in my own ears, it resounds like an alarm.

Graham’s arms come around me, and my scream turns into a sob. His attempt at comfort feels like a dagger slashing at me. I don’t understand why I love him when I can’t have him. I push out of his embrace with a shove.

I spin around the room looking for my clothes. I look down at myself and feel a flush of shame at my nudity and what I just did.

I amsucha fool.

“Graham. I’m so sorry that I touched you like that. I thought … I thought you wanted …”

I can’t see through the tears streaming down my face, but Graham takes my hand and guides me back to the bed. I don’t offer any resistance. I feel drained. My emotions have gone from rage to gut-wrenching sadness in the span of a few minutes.

I’d bargained—thrown a Hail Mary—and I’d come up short.

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