Page 82 of The Sun and Her Star

Thenmy mother told the doctor she was refusing the treatment plan he had put together to fight the recurrence of her cancer. Now, I’m just the star who flew too close to the sun before he realized his wings were made of wax. I’m nothing more than a helpless, fragile, clueless human being. No matter how hard I’ve tried, I can’t get away from the fact that I’ll never have anything I want. It was a bitter pill to swallow. I had a few drinks and had what can only be described as a temper tantrum.

I hang my head and nod.

“Now, I know the news was hard yesterday, Graham. It was hard for me, too. No one wants to know when they’re going to die. I knew my time would come sooner than I wanted. I’ve known since the first time I let that man put his hands on you.”

My head snaps up, and I stare wide eyes at her. “Why are you talking like that? Mama, you’re ti—”

“Graham, I told you to listen,” she says sternly. Her voice holds a thread of steel.

I nod again.

She sighs. Her voice is softer when she starts talking again.

“Whether you like it or not, you know I’m right. So, please let me finish.”

She eyes me until I nod.

“I knew that I would pay dearly for not protecting my child. When Ellie died, that was my first punishment. But this cancer, it’s my final one.”

My blood runs cold. My ears are ringing and even as my heart feels like it’s slowing down, my pulse is throbbing.

She gets up from her chair and sits beside me on my bed. She strokes my beard and smiles softly, and stormy gray eyes roam over my face. “I hate this thing. I want to see your face,” she says.

“I’ll shave it,” I say quickly.

Her smile widens. “You were always such a good boy.” She pats my cheek before her hand falls back to her side.

“The minute they put you in my arms and I saw your face, I knew God had sent me an angel. He was only handing me the baton until you’re back in His care. So, as long as you are alive, even whenIam not, you have to remember the things that I’ve taught you. The good and the bad.” Her gaze goes from soft to penetrating and I sit up straighter.

I nod, but inside, my mind is racing. We haven’t talked about God since we left Cain’s Weeping. We never talk about my stepfather, and neither one of us go to church. I didn’t know she still thought this way. I certainly don’t. But I keep my face neutral and wait for her to continue.

“I love you. But I didn’t do my job as a mother. I didn’t protect you from anything.” Her eyes fill with tears and my heart starts to pound so loudly I can hear it.

She closes her eyes and tries to take a deep breath. She can’t, and she starts to cough. I grab the glass of water again and bring it to her lips.

This time, she doesn’t protest and takes a few sips.

I put it down, and as soon as I sit down again, she starts talking.

“You were such a possessive baby. You wouldn’t let your daddy hold my hand. Every time he did, you’d knock it away.” She smiles—her eyes unfocused. “God, how I miss those days when all you wanted was to eat and sleep and play.”

She lifts her fingers, wiggles them and I grasp them. She sighs in pleasure. My heart shrinks to feel how frail and small her hand is now.

“And you had the wildest imagination. Oh, my Lord. The things you could conjure in that little head of yours. I was sure you’d be a writer or an actor or something when you grew up. I was the same way. Always daydreaming about what I wished the world looked like. It’s why I loved to read. It’s why I wanted you to love to read. I was an only child. My parents had never been married. I was an orphan by the time I was sixteen. I was desperate for a family. I married your father when I was eighteen. Far too young, but gosh I wanted what everyone else had. I got lucky the first time. Your father was such gentleman. So kind, so funny, and very responsible. We lived in the loveliest neighborhood. Filled with families just like us.”

Her eyes mist over.

“And then, he died, and it was just us. I didn’t have another living relative but you. Seeing all of the other young mothers with husbands to carry groceries and mow the yard. I saw what everyone else had, and I was so envious. I prayed for God to send me what I wanted.

“When I methim …” She never says my stepfather’s name. “I thought it was God answering my prayers. And it led me into the darkest pit of hell. Too late, I learned that the grass is never greener. You and I as we were had been more than enough.” She pauses and looks me hard in the eyes as if she’s trying to make me see what she can’t say.

“After Ellie died … thewayshe died shattered something in me. If I couldn’t keep my baby alive, what good was I? I retreated, and I almost let him kill you.” Her voice drops to a whisper. I lean in to try and hear her.

A single tear runs down her cheek. I touch it with my thumb and swipe it off her cheek. “Thank you. Will you please hold my other hand?”

I oblige and she links our fingers.

She closes her eyes and leans back, so her head rests on the headboard. Her lip twitches and she exhales.

---