Page 85 of The Sun and Her Star

“Whatever you want, Mama. I’m going to give it to you,” I say, even though I wish she’d ask for something else.

“Ofcourse,you are. You could never say no to the people you love. I want you to love yourself that much and start saying yes to what that beautiful heart is asking of you. Do that, and you’ll unlock the doors to a life that will exceed your wildest dreams. Useallof the gifts you’ve been given, baby.”

She presses a kiss to my forehead and hops off the bed. “Now, I’m going to go get my hair done. And then, I’m off to plan a trip.” Then, she strolls out of my room.

“Fuuuuuuuck,” I groan and fall back on my pillow.

She’s right. This is my rock bottom. I don’t know what the fuck to do. My show is the most popular show on television for the second year running. I have a line of supplements with my name on them. Athletic gear, tennis shoes named after me. All I have to do is snap my fingers, and the world falls at my feet.

But my mother is dying. My life is a sham. When I look in the mirror, I see someone I never imagined I would become. Bored, shallow, contrived, and so disappointing. I’ve started to believe that maybe, this is who I really am.

I’ve thought of my massive wealth as payment for the sacrifices I made to save my mother. But now I can see that I made a Faustian Bargain. Yes, I wanted to save my mother. But, I also wanted to graduate with my friends. I was proud of being able to finally pay my full share of the chartered flights the guys and I took down to Cabo for the weekends. And, despite how I feel about Nanette, there was a part of me that liked how she looked at me. Liked that she wanted me, that so many people wanted me.

I didn’t enjoy the sex, but there was something gratifying about being paid repeatedly for it.

And, I wasn’t some fifty-dollar fuck on a corner. I was expensive.

What the fuck was I saying?

A wave of disgust rolls over me.

I didn’t do that for the fuckingmoney.Itcertainlydidn’t make me feel good. I did it because I thought it would be a small sacrifice to keep my mother alive and finish my degree. I thought, if Apollo never knew, then one day, I could pretend it hadn’t happened. I thought, if I don’t touch her now, then she’ll stay clean, and when I’m done, I can go be with her, and she’ll make me clean again.

But, there was no cleaning up the filth that feel embedded in my fucking cells. And Apollo—who missednothingandlived for the minutest details—she saw the shit the minute she laid eyes on me. She’d walked away and never looked back.

I’d held thesunin my hands. She’d beenmine.When I let her go, I lost a piece of myself.

And now, my mother was going to die anyway.

My heart seizes in my chest. Panic spikes as a wave of grief starts rising in the very pit of my soul. My world is collapsing in on itself, and any minute now, I’m going to drown it.

I think about the little girl who stuck her hand out of the water when she was drowning, and I’ve always thought I saved her life.

Right now, I know that it was universe savingmine.If I had to bear this on my own, I would die. But I’m not alone. No matter what’s passed between us, I know she’s there. I reach for my phone, open my Instagram app, find Apollo’s profile, and send her a message.

Year 5 Side B

Apollo

I glance at my phone. I’d promised Lucas I would put it away while we ate. But he just went to the bathroom, and I see the flash of my screen and reach for it. I’m waiting to hear from an artist in Bahrain who I’m trying to convince to do a show at our gallery.

I unlock the screen while I take a sip of the rich tomato soup Lucas made for us tonight. When I read it, my spoon clatters to the table and tomato soup splatters everywhere, but all I can do is stare.

It’s a message from Graham. With his phone number asking me to call him.

“For fuck’s sake, Lo. Is it really that difficult to not look at your phone, just for one meal?” Lucas snaps at me when he walks back into the dining room.

“I’ve got to go,” I say and stand up and whirl around. I’m looking for my wallet.

“Go where? We’re home,” Lucas says and walks over to me. “What’s going on? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He cups my elbow.

“No.” I pull out of his grasp. I don’t know what to do first.

“I’ve got to make a call.” I stare at Graham’s message. Something is very wrong. And it’s been two minutes since I read it.

“Lucas, excuse me. I’m going to the room. I need you to not come in until I’m done,” I tell him as I start down the long narrow corridor that leads to our bedroom. He strides after me, catching me by the arm with enough force to halt my steps.

“What the fuck, Apollo? You promised we’d have dinner tonight. I’m sick of being number two on your list. You act like your work is the most important—”

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