Page 160 of Riches and Romance

“I don’t think Mike would put it that way. I think he believes the first twenty years of his life were a compromise. I don’t know. I was happy.”

“Because of Dana?”

She’d learned a lot about him. She obviously hadn’t been lying when she’d said she’d spent her time thinking of him. Still, he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about this.

“It’s all right,” she said as though she’d read his mind. “You don’t have to say anything.”

But shouldn’t he want to have someone to talk to? He’d made a friend a while back. Jared Johns. They’d gotten pretty close. He and his new wife Sarah had moved to California, and they were waiting on their first baby, so they talked less now. He didn’t blame the guy, but for a moment it had been good to have a friend. He was friendly with guys on the rigs, but he never stayed long enough, and he was the boss. He had some guys he’d hung out with in college, but they were all getting married and having kids.

“Dana was the daughter of my father’s best friend. We grew up together. Our parents always joked that she would marry one of us—either me or Mike, but everyone knew it would be me.” His heart hurt whenever he thought of Dana. “I don’t know. She was always there, too.”

“And then she wasn’t,” Nina said gravelly.

“And then she wasn’t.”

“A lot of people have left you.”

“Only the most important ones.” He’d never thought about it this way. “Don’t think I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’ve had a good life. But I miss them. I didn’t love her. Not the way I was supposed to. Maybe I would have if she’d chosen me. I would have married her. I would have gotten out of college and married Dana and taken my place in the company. Is that wrong? That I’m the one who accepted the place my parents made for me?”

“It’s not wrong to want something. It’s wrong to reject something simply because your parents wanted it for you. The same way it’s not wrong to reject something you truly don’t want. From what I learned about you and your brother this evening I don’t think either of you fall into those categories.”

They didn’t. When he looked back on it, he realized the signs of his brother’s unhappiness had been there. He’d simply ignored them. “I loved this business for as long as I’m able to remember. I wanted to do this. I wanted to own Malone Oil. AsI got older I wanted to learn all the ways I can take us from Malone Oil to Malone Energy. I’ve got my fingers in a lot of sustainable pies right now. This is my dream. But Mike never wanted what I wanted, and we’ve never recovered from him walking away. I forgave him a long time ago, but we’re still out of synch. He still seems closer to his friends. That’s the sad thing. I never found a person who could replace him, but he’s replaced me several times over.”

“He hasn’t replaced you. He can’t do that.” Her voice had gone warm and sympathetic. “But he hasn’t forgiven himself, and you can’t make him. I assure you that forgiveness is harder than you think. I should know.”

“What haven’t you forgiven yourself for? The guy who tricked you?” He’d talked to a couple of her coworkers tonight and he’d come to realize so much of her reluctance came from that asshole.

“His name was Roger,” she began slowly. “We were partners for two years before I ever agreed to go out with him. I thought I was being careful. I think he knew how to play me. I wasn’t attracted to him at first. But it’s a lonely job. It’s hard because you can’t talk about it.”

“I can imagine. He was the only one who understood what it is to do what you do. Or what you did. You don’t have the same boundaries with this job, right?”

“No. I can talk about this job for the most part. Not the particular one we’re about to do since we’re technically working with the Agency,” she allowed. “But the day-to-day stuff isn’t confidential. Also, we’re one big team. It’s like a big family, and that has to do with the unique culture of the job.”

He thought he knew what she was talking about. He kept his eyes on the road, but his mind was entirely on her. His brother had talked about The Garden and how different it was from Sanctum. It had been the home to all of the Lost Boys untilrecently when they’d been able to finally get their lives back. “You all live in the same building, right? And the club you play at is there, too.”

“Most of us live there and yes, the ground floor of the building is the club. It’s truly beautiful. It should be weird to work and live and play in the same place, but Damon’s done an excellent job of making the spaces very separate. I think in the beginning Damon had this huge building and he didn’t want to be all alone in it. When he transitioned from MI6 to working with Tag, it made sense to let some of his employees live in the flats.”

“I know a little about that. When you work on a rig, you sleep, work, eat all in the same spaces for months at a time. It can build a strong team. It can also make you want to murder some of the fuckers.” At first those rigs had given him an odd sense of freedom. He still felt it a bit, though the older he got the more stability he wanted.

“It’s not so bad where we are. There’s more room, I suspect, and the accommodations are more luxurious,” she said with a chuckle. “My flat is far larger than my place in Lyon was. It’s also nice to have someone to eat dinner with. Someone’s always on their own and looking for company. At least they used to be.”

“Things are changing?” He knew how that felt. When everyone else was getting their lives in order and pairing off and starting families, it could make a man feel like he was getting left behind.

“Aren’t they always?” she asked with a wistful air. “Damon and Penny split their time between The Garden and their home in the countryside. They’re about to have another baby. I suspect Penny will start staying out there quite a bit. My friend Hayley and her husband Nick recently had a little girl. They’re looking for a place close to The Garden. Last week Owen and Rebecca announced they’re pregnant, too. There aren’t many singletonsleft in our group. Certainly not since the lads got their freedom back. Is it odd to be surrounded by these lovely people who treat you like family and still feel so outside? Like they’ve all invited me in, but I can’t quite make it through the door.”

“Why do you think that is? You said you weren’t close to your sister. How about your parents?” He was going to keep her talking. He hated the wistfulness in her tone, like she wanted something so badly but couldn’t reach out and grab it. He understood that, too.

She thought about it for a moment before answering. “My family wasn’t like yours. My dad was pretty distant, and I don’t think my mum ever really understood me. She was closer to my sister, who definitely never understood me.”

“My brother…I thought he did,” he admitted. “And maybe he did, but I didn’t try enough to understand him. I’m fully aware there’s blame in here for me. I thought because I was happy that he was, too. The whole twin psychic connection thing might be true for some, but not me and Mike. Did you only have the one sister?”

She nodded. “Yes. She’s five years younger than I am. It should have made us close, but we never were. We never had that sibling relationship for some reason. I think we were just far enough apart that we didn’t spend much time together.”

“You wouldn’t have been in the same schools. Mike and I were obviously always in the same class.”

“Yes, we just missed each other, though I don’t know if it would have mattered. We’re quite different personality-wise and in what we want out of life,” she said. “It was like we lived in the same house but completely different lives. And then we didn’t live in the same house at all. After university I lived in France for a long time, and it was a demanding job. At least that’s what I told myself. My parents divorced while I was in my teens, and my father got remarried very quickly. His new wife didn’t wantto have anything to do with us, so he didn’t. I haven’t seen my father in ten years. When I moved back to London I spent a bit of time with my mum, but I found I couldn’t take the comparisons to my sister’s perfect life.”

“I doubt it’s perfect.”

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