Page 104 of By His Play

Everything between us might be up in the air right now, but he is still the best thing about my life.

Always has been, always will be.

Iwake still clutching his hoodie. My eyes are so sore when I drag them open and look around.

It takes me a second to recognize where I am, and then another for the pain to hit.

Surely, it can’t always be this bad?

Rolling onto my back, I stare up at the ceiling, still clinging to the little bit of Kieran I have.

I have no idea where he is or how long he’ll be gone.

For all I know, he’s just gone to the store. But deep down, I know that’s not true. He’d be back already.

Despite the sleep I’ve had, my legs are still weak as I stumble down the hallway to the bathroom.

If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was drunk. I might have had some vodka last night on an empty stomach, but I find it hard to believe it could still be affecting me.

I pee before washing my hands and pulling Kieran’s hoodie on.

I should let him go and put my own clothes on, but I can’t. His scent provides me with too much security and warmth.

The coffee and breakfast he made me are still sitting at my place in the kitchen. His is also only half-finished.

My stomach knots. He couldn’t eat because of me. Kieran always eats. Some might argue too much.

A sad smile spreads across my lips as I think about him and his insatiable appetite, but it quickly drops.

Last night, he was…he was something else.?

And the way he made me feel…?

My hand instinctively lifts to my throat.?

With a sigh, I pull a mug from the cupboard and place it under the coffee machine.

Once it’s full, I take it and unlock the backdoor.

My dark mood lifts slightly as I walk through Grams’ garden.

This was her favorite place. She used to spend hours tending to her flowers.

I’ve tried to do some weeding and make it look as beautiful as I remember it, but I haven’t exactly done a good job.

Most of the flowers are looking a little sad. They weren’t pruned like they should have been at the end of last summer, and they haven’t come back. The bushes are overgrown despite my attempts to keep on top of them, and there are weeds everywhere. The problem is, I don’t actually know which are weeds and which are flowers.

Gardening is not my forte. Much like cooking. And I’m not a very good cleaner, either.

Honestly, it’s no surprise Kieran doesn’t want to be with me. I’d be a shitty wife.

Making my way to the bottom of the yard, I squeeze through the arch that used to be cut so perfectly to get to the swing seat that hides down here.

Gramps made it when I was little. He and Grams used to spend all their evenings down here together. It was their happy place.

My eyes close as I think about the life they used to live before I curl up on the seat.

The cushions are in the shed, so it’s not the most comfortable place to sit, but I don’t care.

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