Page 56 of Taste of Death

A sense of unexpected relief came over me. Most humans weren’t awake at night. How could I have forgotten? We’d be working while everyone was asleep, and might not see any humans at all.

I felt relieved about that, which in itself felt unsettling. It eased my anxiety about anyone seeing me and possibly being disgusted or afraid, and at the same time, reinforced some toxic thoughts about my own self-image.

After several weeks, I still avoided looking into mirrors. I avoided looking at my own eyes or my body whenever possible. Whenever Novak gave me those long looks, like his gaze was drinking me in, I felt torn between wanting to hide and wanting to bask in his attention.

No matter how comfortable I got with him, the fear of rejection lingered. I was convinced that if he looked deep enough—stared into my eyes long enough, or saw me naked—he’d discard me in an instant just like every other guy I crushed on.

It was better that other people didn’t see me. Better for me, better for them. Rejection hurt too badly. It was sharp and cut deeply like a sword. From certain people, rejection felt like dying.

Loneliness was at least a slow-creeping, familiar hurt that always hung in the background. I only really became aware of it when I saw a stupidly happy couple together, like Cyan and Tavia. Feeling alone never truly left, but I could eventually grow numb to its constant presence.

So when the van parked and Laith, Des, and I got out, I didn’t even look toward the dark, sleepy houses in the settlement. I just helped unload the supplies and waited for further instructions.

The bags of concrete mix were pretty self-explanatory. I had to go to the well in Sapien to fetch water while Des and Laith started digging holes for the new fence posts. Rhain and Cyan went around assessing damage to walls, decks, windows, and roofs. Some things could be patched up quickly. Others needed more extensive repair that would take several trips.

I walked through the quiet settlement several times to fetch water for the concrete mix. It felt different at night, like a ghost town. The Heart was so lively by comparison, and not just because more people lived there. Had I already gotten so used to being nocturnal that a human’s daytime schedule seemed strange and alien?

“That’s good, Amy. Show that concrete who’s boss,” Laith said over my shoulder as I stirred the bucket of goopy, gray mix with a stick. “Yeah, work it like that.”

“Leave her alone.” Nearby, Des hammered a fence post down with a mallet. “She doesn’t need your weirdly sexual coaching.”

Laith went to him, spreading his feet wide on either side of the post so that it mimicked a six-foot tall, wooden erection.

“Hammer me, Des. Give me that big ol’ hammer and whack it hard.”

I laughed and Des shot me a look of betrayal. This was their dynamic, I realized. Laith the goofball and Des the grounded, serious one. But even Des cracked a blunt-fanged smirk at Laith’s antics.

“I ought to hammer you right in the cranium.” Des shoved at his friend’s shoulder, and Laith came back to check on my concrete.

“That looks good. Let’s fill these holes, shall we?”

I snorted. “Sure.”

He looked at me, eyes large and expressing something between panicked and amused. “I wasn’t even trying that time, I swear.”

“Uh-huh. Sure, you weren’t.”

Laith grabbed the bucket handle and lifted, carrying it to the row of freshly dug post holes. I followed him, bringing along a broad spade to spoon the concrete in.

“Look, I know I’m a lot,” he said, setting the bucket down. “Too much for some people. You can tell me if I’m getting on your nerves and I won’t be offended. I’ll knock it off.” He smiled, looking both sweetly boyish and a little feral. “Not everyone gets it, but there’s just something about a well-placed dick joke, you know?”

“I get it, Laith.” I shoved the spade into the wet concrete and scooped out a sizable blob. “Now let’s fill these holes nice and deep.”

Laith’s face broke out in pure elation as Des cried out, “No, not you too!”

“Shut the fuck up,” Rhain called over from the van. “You’re going to wake up the humans.”

“Whatever,” Laith huffed. “They know we’re here, right?”

“Yes. Doesn’t change the fact that they’re skittish about noises at night.”

Working with Des and Laith went smoothly. We hushed our laughter and jokes as much as possible, but still received glares from Rhain on occasion.

On another trip into the settlement for more water, I heard a series of noises coming from one of the trailers. The flimsy door swung open hard, hitting the exterior wall, and it made me freeze like I’d been caught sneaking around.

A man stumbled out wearing nothing but boxer shorts and a pair of slippers. His eyes were barely open, his feet dragging with an unsteady gait like he was drunk. Judging by the smell of him, that was probably true.

He found his way to a bush next to the trailer and planted his feet wide with some degree of effort. I smelled the urine before I heard the splash of it hitting the ground. Wrinkling my nose against the acrid scent, I kept on toward the well to fill my bucket with water.

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