Page 54 of Fractured Souls

My need to get revenge on not only Tammy and Richard, but also the people who hurt my mom, is getting more prominent in my mind. It's like now that my head is more clear, I am focusing all my energy on that. Well, I will be anyways. I just have to work around Bri because I have a feeling she won't be so on board with my need for revenge.

“Harley! Where the fuck is your head at, kid? You want to do this or not?”

God, I want to roll my eyes at him. Atlas is so broody, and he's always snapping. But I hold back from rolling my eyes because last time I did he made me run on the track outside behind the gym. I run every day now, but adding extra? Yeah, no. Fuck that. Running should be illegal. Seriously, who decided that's a way to exercise? I'd rather do anything than run.

The hit to my gut isn't as hard as it could be, but it definitely knocks me on my ass and grabs my attention. “What the fuck!” I yell.

Atlas is standing above me, glaring a hole through my face. “Get your ass up. I don't know where your head is, but this is the last chance. Get up and focus or call Bri and get the fuck out of my gym. I don't play games, kid, and you know that. Up!”

I jump to my feet and barrel right for him. Atlas pulls no punches with me. He goes hard and doesn't stop. It's what I need, it's what I crave now. The pain, the sweat, the body aches; it brings me some sort of twisted peace. It helps keep my fractured soul from shattering to pieces.

By the time we are done, another hour has gone by. Bri is here now waiting for me. She grimaces but tries to hide it. I don't know her full story, but I know she hates any kind of fighting or violence. She hates that I train so hard with Atlas, which is why even after three weeks she still wants Linc here with us the whole time. It makes me wonder if something is wrong with me because I seem to be thriving in this environment. Even though I was beaten and hurt for years.

Why would I want this? Shouldn't I also hate any kind of violence? I shake off the thoughts. That's a problem for me to solve on a different day.

Today is for convincing Bri to let me look into things.

After I shower and grab my bag from Atlas’s office and head out to meet Bri, we leave, and I fidget the whole way home. I know how she's going to react, but I need to do this shit for me. There are questions I want answers to, and some Bri might even be able to answer, so I have to talk to her first.

When we get home and head inside, Bri walks into the living room and sits down and stares at me. “Well? Something is on your mind. Atlas told me how distracted you were today, and you were silent during the entire the car ride home.”

Well shit, she knows me, I'll give her that.

I sigh and move to sit across from her on the other couch. “Um, yeah. I, uh, wanted to talk to you about a few things… I just don't know how this is going to go, and I, uh, well… I don't know.”

“Harley, it's okay. I won't be mad at anything you say. We will talk about it and go from there. I think I know what this is about, but I need to hear it from you, hun.”

“Alright well, I want to look into my mom’s murder. I want to know what happened, and I also want to…”

Shit, shit, shit, this is when the words are supposed to come out, Harley! Maybe just don't tell her about what else you want to do involving Richard and Tammy because she really just never needs to know what happened the last three years. Yep, perfect plan.

I swallow over the lump that has built in my throat. “Um, well, I just want to look into it. I also, um, I want to find out who my dad is. My mom never told me, and whenever I asked, she would look pained but then say that he was a good man but doesn't deserve us talking about him, which didn't really make sense to me, so yeah, anyways, I really just want to figure out who he is. I think I have a right to know, and I want to look into the details of my mom's death. There are things now that I can't seem to stop thinking about that don’t make sense.” I finally finish rambling, biting my lip.

Part of me still hopes that I can have my childhood fantasy of my perfect dad swooping in to save the day. Although I know logically, especially after everything I have been through, that probably isn't the case.

Bri has tears in her eyes that she quickly wipes away. “Okay, well.” She clears her throat. “Lil didn't tell you anything about your dad?” I shake my head. “Honey, I really am sorry. I wish I didn't have to tell you this, but I don't think you should look into who your dad is.”

That shocks me. “What? Why? He's my dad! I want to know who he is… Wait.” Does she know who he is? Has she known this whole time and never said anything? Is that why she only asked about my mom and never asked me where my dad is? My fists clench in my lap, but I shut my eyes and take a few deep breaths trying not yell at her. Reminding myself I need to give her a chance to explain. I clear my throat, “Do you know who he is?” I say, keeping a blank mask on my face.

Bri looks down at her feet, her leg beginning to bounce uncomfortably. My skin is starting to get that crawling sensation, and I have a feeling I'm not going to like whatever she says next.

“No, hun, I don’t know exactly who he is, but I have some ideas.” Bri slowly raises her eyes, her own glossy and tears slipping. “Harley… your mom was raped. Whoever your dad is, he… he raped your mom. I am so, so sorry to have to—”

Before she can say anymore, I get up and run out the back door. I can faintly hear Bri yell for me, but I need to run.

I can't spar right now. I know none of them would let me. I just worked out for two hours, so the next best thing is running.

I run hard. I push myself. He raped her?

That means…

I came from rape.

My mom had to look at me every day knowing I came from something that possibly destroyed her.

How could she even look at me?

My knight in shining piece of shit sperm donor. How could I let myself fantasize about a man swooping in and being this wonderful dad that I have always dreamed of? I feel so stupid for ever holding onto hope that one day I would find him and it would be some great happy reunion.

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