Page 12 of Healing Souls

She turns, so she is facing me. “I can say that because what you did wasn’t your fault. Yes, you did it. But you were doing what you had to do. You were surviving. I was terrified. But I knew what was going to happen. I was coming to terms with it, and then you swooped in and promised to take care of me the best you could. You won against all the other prospects. You showed me kindness and hurt me as little as possible. The others? They would have been doing everything they could to hurt me and destroy me even more.”

Tears leak down her cheeks, and she leans forwards and wipes at my face. It’s then I realize I am also crying. My heart breaks for her, and I wish I could take away her pain. I wish I could go back and kill my father.

I vow then and there, staring into her beautiful, large hazel eyes that show so much pain and heartache, that I will destroy him. For her. For myself.

Grabbing my desk chair, I fling it at the wall and then continue to throw everything off my desk, heaving and grunting as more memories slam into me from after that weekend. The tiny bit of joy I felt when I found out afterwards that she was pregnant, only for it to be crushed by my father. My hands shake uncontrollably as I growl and grab the edge of the desk, flipping it over.

I should’ve killed the bastard when I had the chance. I should’ve fought harder for her. I should’ve never believed the fucker when he gloated that they were dead.

I should’ve fucking tried harder.

My legs give out as the anger seeps out of me, and all I feel is devastation as I slowly sink to the floor, resting my back against the wall.

I lost so much. My little girl had to live in hell and think that her father was a monster. Shedoesthink that I’m a monster. How do I possibly live with myself now? A light tap sounds on the door as it’s pushed open, and Sugar steps in the office, kicking broken pieces of a lamp out of his way.

He glances around before his understanding eyes land on me. Shutting the door behind him, he leans against it but doesn’t speak, giving me a chance to start.

“This is all so fucking insane, Sugar.” I laugh humorlessly, running a desperate hand through my hair. “How did we manage to come back around to all this shit? It’s so much I can’t even keep my head on straight to be the president this club desperately needs right now.”

I clench my fists in my lap, lifting my head to lock eyes with Sugar, who stares at me, not giving away anything he may be feeling in his expression.

I sigh, “I want to go beg my daughter to let me explain, to hold her and take care of her. I want to go down to the cells and put a fucking bullet between Daniel’s eyes. I can’t even see how letting him off the hook is the right thing to do. He shot my fucking daughter. I can’t see past that. No one fucking hurts her.”

Sugar sighs and scratches through his beard as he glances around the office, seeming lost in thought. His lips tilt down in a frown as he looks back at me, “I understand where you’re at with Harley. Fuck, I’m feeling all this shit with you after having been by your side when it all happened.” He gives a small smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “But we’ve gotta be fuckin’ rational, Rage. You’re my brother, and I am always goin’ to give it to you straight.

“So, I’ll say that right now, you need to step back from bein’ prez. This is what I am here for as your VP. I can keep my head level right now. As for Daniel, I’m not goin’ try to shove any more logic into you right now when you won’t fuckin’ hear it anyway. He’ll be okay for a few more days when hopefully shit calms down and we can go from there.”

He stands up straight from where he was leaning against the door and points a finger at the mess in the office and then at me.

“As for you, right now, get this shit fuckin’ cleaned up and then go be with your daughter. The more time you give her to relax around you, the better. Then you’ll be able to sit down and have a talk with her.”

Groaning I let my head fall back against the wall again. “Sugar, there is not a damn thing I can say to her right now. She knows I raped her mom. I wouldn’t blame her for not even being able to be in my presence ever again. Fuck, I’d want to kill me to. She’ll hate me for the rest of my life, and I don’t think there is anything anyone can do about it.”

Sugar shakes his head. “It’s not that simple and you know it, brother. She needs time to process, and someday you’ll be able to give her more details and offer her your side of the story, and maybe then she’ll understand. Things were fucked up back then. You’d be dead right now if you had refused—or something worse might have happened. We had no way of knownin’.

“Harley wouldn’t be alive right now if it had been someone else. Lilian didn’t hate you. Harley will see that when the rage clears from her vision.” He chuckles lightly, “Why do I have a feelin’ that we now have a Mini Rage on our hands?”

I laugh, but it’s strained. “Because my child just came storming in with a gun, ready to shoot me in a room full of armed bikers. She’s my kid, that’s for sure. Her rage takes over.”

He nods. “Just don’t give up on her. You’ve spent years beatin’ yourself up over things you were forced to do. You are not a bad man, and you’ve spent the last five years since your piece of shit father died provin’ that. Somethin’ horrible happened. You had to make a split-second choice as an eighteen-year-old kid. You did the best you could. If Lilian can forgive you and not place the blame on you, then you need to do the same. Harley can’t work to forgive you and understand ifyoudon’t forgive you. You’ve spent sixteen years repressin’ all of this. It’s time to face it head-on.”

I run my hand through my beard. “I know. This is so fucking much to take on right now. I don’t even know what to do or think. I think I could learn to forgive myself. Lilian never held it against me. This club doesn’t. And I got a kid out of it. Fuck, Sugar, I’m a father. Of a sixteen-year-old girl.” I feel my eyes going wide at that thought, as it actually sinks in.

Sugar chuckles. “Yeah, brother, you do. I’d tell you it’s all gonna be fine, but unfortunately, that girl has been through things. And now it’s goin’ to land on you to help her through it in any way you can.”

I feel my anger rise. My blood boiling as I think of people hurting her. I may have to find a way to forgive myself for my past and forgive myself for not having been there for my baby girl, but I sure as hell don’t have to forgive the people who hurt her. No, those fuckers will die a slow and painful death by my hand.

I swear, “Whoever hurt her will die. They die by my hand. I will torture and destroy them. I will do whatever she wants me to do. If she wants me to burn the world down, I will.”

“Fuck. Why do I have a feeling that’s not goin’ to be the best idea and I’m about to have two Rages to keep an eye on?” Sugar sighs loudly and shakes his head as I let a wicked smile take over my face.

If anything can make me feel better, it’s finding a place or more so, a person to take my rage out on.

Cayden

After Sugar disappears down the hall, we all can hear the loud thuds as things hit the wall and break. It’s the only sound in the room as everyone takes a minute to process this shit.

I can only imagine what Rage is going through right now. He has always been like a father figure to me, and I have never seen him out of control like this. It feels like he’s a completely different person; the calm, cool, collected man who’s always in control and prepared to handle anything thrown at him— is gone.

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