Page 35 of Shit Happens in Ivydell

I might love her.

She might disappear.

A familiar burn fills my stomach. Haven’t felt this in a long time—until a few days ago. Thought I’d gotten ahead of it for good. I tell myself to stop making it out to be more than it is. It’s not the same as before. This is just new relationship stuff. Normal. Same as everybody else feels. Been a long time for me, that’s all.

We switch places again so he can do another set.

“What does Josephine do that bothers you?”

“Nothing. We don’t spend too much time together. That’s the secret. Spend as little time together as possible.”

“Right. That’s how she went from Josephine toJojosince the last time we hung out.”

He shoves the bar up from his chest again, but he almost needed me on that one. “You know, just because you’re getting your dick wet on the regular doesn’t make you ten feet tall.”

“Her belief that I’m a good man doesn’t make me that, either.”

Fuck. The burn’s not normal. Not the same as everybody else. It’s all mine. And I’m not ahead anymore. I didn’t know it was gaining on me, but it’s not close. It’s here.

“Ah, hell, keep up the front for a while longer.”

He laughs, but he doesn’t get it. I’m not good. I was for a while, but I’m not anymore. I’m going to lose it, and I’m going to fuckthis up. She’s going to get fucked up in the process. I can’t ruin her life. She deserves so much more than I can give. And I don’t deserve half of what I’d take from her.

“Let her keep seeing your sorry ass as a good guy. What’s it going to hurt? Maybe if she says it enough, it’ll start to feel true to you, too.”

“No, I see things as they are. People tell themselves whatever they need to believe, I guess. The fairytale is always better than reality.”

“Oh, goddamn, Stinger. You thinking about falling back into some self-loathing now? You gonna try to hate yourself enough again so you can fuck it up and prove her wrong? I thought you were past all that self-destructive shit.”

So did I. Goddammit, so did I.

I bite down on the inside of my cheek until I taste blood. How can it still fucking blindside me like this? Why now?

“Why don’t you put a little more weight on that bar for me?” I grip it tighter to hide the shaking that’s building in my muscles from an entirely different kind of weight.

“I ought to put enough on it to pin your scrawny ass to this bench until you get this pity party bullshit out of your system.”

“Your call, I guess.”

I should be stronger than this by now. I was stronger. I was fine. And now, this shit’s gonna happen all over again? And take Ivy down, too? No. No fucking way.

He stands over me like a mountain. “Really? I see those gears turning in your head. This is the choice you’re going to make?”

Like I have a choice. I didn’t feel this shit coming for me again. But I know waiting it out doesn’t work. If I sit with it, it’ll consume me. I got lucky enough to outrun it once. Maybe it’s time to head east again. This was always meant to be a temporary stop, anyway.

Cujo rips the bar out of my hands and slams it back onto the rack.

“Get up.”

“You wanna try to beat it out of me? Is that what we’re doing?” I stand, and he steps in front of me. “Go ahead, man.”

His hand flies up, but instead of punching me, he yanks me forward until our foreheads bang together and holds me there, staring a hole into my soul. “Not on my watch, motherfucker. You will not destroy yourself.”

My body trembles uncontrollably. It’s a freight train, and I can’t get out of the way. All I can do is stand here and wait for it to hit.

“Fuuuuuuuuuucckkkk!”

Ivy

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