Page 169 of Beyond the Badge: Crew

“I mean, if this is going to continue between us, I guess we both can get tested. Is that why you brought it up?”

No.“Yes.” He grimaced.Christ almighty.“No.”

“Then, why?”

“Because you need to know I had a fucking vasectomy years ago, Cami.”

“You said that.”

“I can’t have any more children.”

She blinked at him, and her dark eyebrows pulled together. “Okay? Are you regretting that decision? Why are you telling me this?”

“Children might be important to you.”

She blinked again. Then her eyebrows shot up her forehead and her mouth turned into anO. “Wait…” She jackknifed up from his lap and sat cross-legged, facing him.

He stared up at the ceiling. “I can’t give you kids.”

“Crew…”

“That’s not fair to you,” he continued.

“Colin…”

“You have your whole life ahead of you.”

“So do you. I only joke about you being old to get under your skin.”

“You succeeded. But in a way I never expected.” He pulled in a breath and finally met her confusion-filled eyes. “I want you, Cami. I want to be with you. But here’s the thing… I don’t want you to be with me and then regret it later. I don’t want you to hold it against me that you can’t have everything you’ve ever wanted. I admit I can be a dick but despite that, I don’t want to be selfish and ever hold you back. Or make you regret choices you made on a whim.”

Her head jerked back. “Awhim? Do you think I’m a flighty, sex-crazed teenager unable to make good decisions?” Her voice raising an octave was not a good sign.

“No, that’s not—”

“Do you have this mistaken notion that you’d be holding me back because you can’t knock me up?”

Wouldn’t he, though? “Don’t most women want children?”

Her mouth opened and hung there for a second before snapping shut again. “I don’t know, Crew. I haven’t taken a poll. Apparently, you haven’t, either. Instead of worrying about ‘most’ women, how about asking the woman here in bed with you? The one you’re apparently considering a future with if you’re bringing this up. That’s why you’re bringing it up, right?”

“It’s crossed my mind.”

He grimaced as she rolled her eyes and sighed.

Shit.He was blowing this already. He needed to be straight with her since he’d want that from her. “Do you want kids?”

“Before I answer that, aren’t vasectomies reversible?”

“Some are. There’s no guarantee. And even if mine was, I’m forty-three, Cami. I don’t want to start over with babies in my mid-forties. I have my eye on retirement, not diapers. More importantly, I have two kids I’m already fighting for. I never want them to feel like they’ve been replaced.”

“You would never do that.”

“You’re right, I wouldn’t. But despite that, they might think I would. It wouldn’t matter what I said or did, Sasha would tell them otherwise. I can’t risk that. I cannot lose my kids.” The thought of alienating his kids caused an ache deep within his chest. He rubbed at it.

She grabbed his hand, stopping him. “I’m sorry she did that to you. To them. That’s not fair to any of you.”

“I will never give up.”

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