Page 119 of Beyond the Badge: Nox

He slapped a hand over his heart. “Wow, you wound me.”

With a smile, she shrugged. “I’m glad you ask questions instead of making assumptions.”

“I’m glad you have the patience to answer them instead of kicking my ass out the door.”

On his way over to the coffeemaker, he detoured to step behind her, grab her hips and pull her into him, pressing his nose against the side of her neck. “How do you smell so damn good this early in the morning?”

“A dab of vanilla behind the ears. A baker’s secret and a man’s downfall.”

He slid his nose up to the tender spot behind her ear. “You don’t need vanilla to be a man’s downfall.”

She bumped her ass into his crotch. “Is that a good thing or bad thing?”

He tightened his hold. “Depends on the man, I guess.”

“Since you want to remain emotionally detached, my guess is, if you fell madly in love with me, I’m sure you’d see that as a downfall.”

If you fell madly in love with me…

With a frown, he released her and stepped back.

Something inside him twisted. Began to swell.

Filling him. Taking over.

He rubbed at his pounding temple and pulled in a deep breath, trying to beat back the thick, sticky guilt creeping in again.

It wanted to ruin the moment.

Ruin the possibilities of moving on.

Prevent him from going back to living a life worth living.

In truth, he had concluded being by himself was safer. He couldn’t risk falling in love again and then possibly losing that person. He barely survived the first time, and he still hadn’t fully recovered.

“I’m not ready to move on,” slipped from his lips, despite it being a lie. Even so, it was a knee-jerk answer to protect himself.

“Nox… First, I was only teasing you. Second, you standing in my kitchen this morning means youaremoving on. Whether you realize it or not, being here, staying the night, is a huge step. If anyone understands how hard it is to heal from losing the love of your life, it’s me. Mark and I were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. Loving each other. Building a family and our home. Raising our children. Also like you, I felt cheated when that didn’t happen, when his life, as well as ours together, was brutally cut short.”

She was right. Fate cheated him out of a lifetime of loving Jackie.

She continued, “I asked the universe what I did to deserve it. I’m sure you did, too.”

Too often.

“I understand it’s difficult to simply accept it and move on like it never happened. Because itdidhappen. It’s obvious you two had a strong connection. You both fell head over heels in love with each other, you planned your future... Hell, you planned on growing old together. But now… What other choice do you have? Besides to continue to wallow in bitterness and grief?”

Fuck.While he didn’t want to have this kind of discussion this morning, he knew Liyah was only trying to help. “As much as I don’t want to wallow, I can’t seem to stop. Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in thick sludge and, no matter how hard I try to break free, I can’t. I get dragged back down into that pit to the point I feel like I’ll be swallowed whole.”

“Sometimes?”

This woman did not let him gloss over anything. She wanted details, even if they were painful. He understood why. He needed to face those details head-on. His therapist had already explained that. It was also one reason he didn’t share much during his sessions.

“More often than not,” he admitted.

“When don’t you feel that way?”

“When I’m around my brothers’ kids.” When her eyebrows stitched together, he quickly asked, “Does that sound weird?”

---