Page 120 of Beyond the Badge: Nox

“Noooo…” she drew out.

He quickly explained. “It’s like they don’t yet know the evil that lurks. They see life through unburdened eyes.”

“Does being around the kids help you see life like that?”

He shrugged. “Sort of. If I could, I’d capture that innocence and hold onto it. I know I can’t but sometimes I hope a little of that rubs off. When I’m around them, the chains restraining me in that heavy sludge feel a lot lighter. They give me hope that I’ll be strong enough to escape.”

“That makes sense. And I can see what you mean about the innocence of children. At least until they hit puberty.” She leaned back against the center island and studied him. “Do you want some of your own?”

His chest tightened. He didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole with her or anyone else. It wasn’t only one chain that held him down. It was two.

However, if he was going to discuss that second loss with anyone, she would be the one. She wouldn’t give him a bunch of emotionally empty “sorries,” or try to slap a Band-Aid over a gaping wound.

“Nox,” she prodded.

“I used to.”

“And now?” she asked.

“That opportunity died with Jackie.”

Liyah frowned. “No, it didn’t. You have plenty of time.”

“I’ll be forty soon.” Since some men had babies in their eighties, that wasn’t even a good excuse, but it was the one to keep from going down this path. He was afraid if they continued, their breakfast might be ruined.

“When?”

“In three weeks,” he reluctantly admitted.

“Then, we’ll have to celebrate your big 4-0.”

He shook his head. “That’s not necessary.”

“I’ll bake you a cake.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“You’re right, it won’t be. It simply gives me an excuse to bake. I already told you…”

He didn’t want to celebrate. Life’s milestones no longer had the same meaning as they used to.

He closed his eyes and lost track of what she was saying when he remembered the last time he celebrated his birthday. It was the day he turned thirty-eight.

At the time, he received what might be considered the best birthday present a husband could get…

Finding out he would be a father.

Jackie had purposely held off telling him she was pregnant because she wanted to surprise him on his birthday. That had to be so damn difficult for her since she had a hard time keeping news like that to herself.

He forced his eyes open because he wasdeterminednot to go down that path. Not today. Not now. Not in Liyah’s kitchen.

This was why he kept this shit buried deep inside. Because when it came out, it was like an avalanche, dragging him along, not caring that he got bloodied and bruised while he was hurtled down that mountain.

His throat closed, making it difficult for him to swallow.

For fuck’s sake, he was heading to the place he was trying desperately to avoid.

The last time this happened was when he stood outside an open motel room door in Ohio. The day they found Sloane’s sister on that bed. Lifeless.

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