Page 28 of Beyond the Badge: Nox

Not once was it said that he needed to actually talk.

He didn’t want to relive that day voluntarily. It was bad enough when he relived it involuntarily.

Over and over.

Talking about it wouldn’t change anything. All it would do was draw it closer to the surface.

Make the pain more unbearable.

Underscore his deep-seated loneliness.

Put an exclamation point to that deep loss.

“I’m only asking her name, that’s it. By not saying it, you think you’re keeping her contained inside you. You’re afraid if you say it, she’ll escape, and you’ll lose her forever. Take it from me, you won’t. The more you talk about her, the stronger your memories will become. She will live on because you are helping her memory do that.”

Some memories he wanted to keep, some he didn’t.

On one hand, he was glad he was the one to find Jackie. On the other, he wished he hadn’t. Because seeing her that last time would forever haunt him. That was the memory he wished he could forget.

Unfortunately, the exact moment he realized the reality of the situation would be seared into his memory forever. It always rose to the top and buried all the good ones.

“Okay, then. We’re not doing this. That means you should’ve let me leave. So, now I will go and stop wasting any more time here. I have two sons at home who need me. You apparently don’t.”

This woman didn’t sugar coat shit. She told it like it was, like it or not.

He might not like it, but he respected it.

Even so, he had a difficult time un-welding his jaws to answer her as her dark eyes met his across the table.

With her lips pressed tightly together and her fingers choking her drink, she scooted back her chair and rose to her feet.

She was going to leave him sitting there in that coffee shop. Then he’d leave without the information he wanted because he refused to give her the simple answer she asked for.

It was one damn word. One name he couldn’t push past his lips.

He watched Aaliyah head toward the door, her spine stiff, her shoulders pulled back and her head held high.

His brothers had ambushed him with an intervention because he needed help.

He was broken and unless he did something about it, he’d never be fixed.

A therapist couldn’t fix him.

A group of people meeting once a week to share laughter, tears and memories couldn’t fix him, either.

Only he could fix himself.

The same person holding himself back.

“Jackie!” burst from him, causing her feet to stutter to a stop just as she pushed open the door. “Jackie,” he repeated again, not so loudly this time. “Her name was Jackie.”

She didn’t turn around. She didn’t come back.

As the seconds ticked off in his head, he thought he’d uttered his wife’s name for nothing. That he’d been too late.

“C’mon,” she said loud enough to catch his ears before walking out into the spring evening.

He stood, pulled out his wallet and tossed some ones on the table, then followed her out to the parking lot to see her waiting by her Mercedes Benz. When he got there, she jerked her chin toward the passenger side. “Get in.”

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