Page 18 of Broken Bonds

I’m in my lab, pacing back and forth like a madman. I don’t know what time it is, but I’m pretty sure it’s morning already. Another sleepless night, but I hardly care. Even if I’d tried to sleep, I know it would’ve been impossible. My racing mind wouldn’t have allowed it.

I can’t stop thinking about making love to Samantha. As enjoyable as it admittedly was, I’m disgusted with myself for allowing the bond to manipulate me like that. It made me mindless, which is something I despise. When I’m mindless, I don’t have my free-will, and I’m helpless to do anything but follow my instincts.

Turning, I move to the safe with the vials of potion and unlock it, yanking the tray out with such force, they clatter precariously together. I walk to my work table and set them on top, then place both hands flat on either side of the tray and stare down at the little glass bottles. I should drink one. I broke this bond before, I can do it again. Tensing, I will myself to reach out and grab one and just drink it, but for some reason I hesitate.

What’s the matter with me? Do I actuallywantto be bonded to Samantha?

No, that’s not it. That can’t be it.

It’s the unknown of it all. I still have questions about the effects of the potion. What will happen if I take it again? The last time, I was sick for a week as it worked to break that damn link between me and my dead mate. She’d only been a haunting memory, though. What will happen if I take it while my mate is still living? Will the effects be even worse since it’s a second dose?

I don’t like taking such risks without some kind of hypothesis as to what could happen. That sounds like a crummy excuse, I know, but it’s the truth. If I hadn’t been so desperate to be rid of the constant memories of my former mate, I might not have tried the first dose of the potion at the time that I did. I’d likely have taken the time to run more tests on it to be surer of its affects, but I was desperate and needed her out of my head for my own sanity.

It’s not the same with Samantha. She’s not at all like my first mate in the least. In truth, I wouldn’t mind being with a woman like her under different circumstances. If we weren’t bonded…and if I were human. As a phoenix, I’m doomed to most likely live an immortal life because of my regenerative abilities. Samantha is a human. She will grow old and die. The bond would allow me to share my fire with her and make her a phoenix as well, but I wouldn’t doom her to such a long, lonely existence.

My life stopped feeling as though it had meaning decades ago. What stakes were there for me? Humans fear death, but it makes their lives worth living. Any day could be their last, so every moment for them was precious. They could cherish their existence, and find purpose in their lives.

Immortality robs a being of such appreciation for life. I know people dream of living forever, but it’s not a dream. It’s a nightmare.

I shake my head and frown. Why am I even thinking about this? Turning Samantha into a Phoenix was by no means an option, because I wasn’t going to let the bond continue. I wasn’t going to trap us into something that neither of us are choosing of our own free wills.

So…why can’t I just take the potion?

Why can’t I just end things right here and now?

I grit my teeth and stare at the vials of potion, as if they’ll somehow reveal the answers to their innerworkings to me if I just gaze at them long enough.

Releasing a sigh, I slump onto my stool. Damn it. Where is this hesitation coming from, really? Am I really that scared of possible side-effects? Unknown consequences?

I’ve lived for hundreds of years. I’ve suffered more injuries than a dozen humans could survive. I had the plague, for gods-sakes.

There’s no reason I should be afraid to take this potion again. No way. Whatever might happen to me as a result of taking it really won’t be a big deal in the long run.

And still, I don’t pick one of the vials up. I sigh in frustration. Maybe it’s the bond, screwing with me head.

Standing, I grab the tray and return it to the safe. I’ll take one…eventually. I just need to clear my head, most likely. Get some sleep, get refreshed. Once I can think straight again, I won’t have these hesitations anymore and I’ll take that potion again and break the bond. Yeah. That’s what I’ll do.

For now, I’ll just be careful around Samantha. It’s probably best to avoid her altogether as much as possible, which really won’t be that much of a change from how I was interacting with her before.

An image flashes through my mind of her downcast expression and I have to shake it from my head. I can’t feel bad about avoiding her now. This is what will be best for everyone in the end, and I refuse to feel guilty about it.

I shake my head. I need to get a grip. It’s not helping anything that I’m stuck in my own head with what-ifs and impossible scenarios that don’t really matter. I just need to focus on my work. Focus on my research, so that I feel better about taking the potion.

Gazing around my lab, I debate for a moment whether I should continue working or if I should go get some sleep, like I’d thought about just a few moments ago. I land on a compromise. I’ll go my room and sleep, but first I’ll stop in the greenhouse and check on a few specimens I’ve got growing there. Turning for the door, I step out into the hall and pause as I gaze over at Samantha’s lab. The door is closed, but I don’t hear anything coming from the other side. I take a few steps closer and listen more carefully just to see if perhaps I’m missing something, but no, I don’t hear a peep.

I check my watch to see what time it is. Maybe she’s still in bed?

When I see it’s about nine, though, I know that’s unlikely. Samantha might not pull all-nighters like I do, but she’s still an early riser and is usually up and in her lab working by eight. So I doubt she’s sleeping in, but where could she be if not in there working?

The fact that I don’t know where she is for sure is a little troubling, only because I’d rather avoid an awkward encounter with her unprepared. Like a cop casing an armed suspect’s home, I slink through the facility toward the greenhouse, checking around corners and practically tiptoeing so I don’t make any noise.

When I pass the storage room where all our outdoor equipment is kept, I see that the door is open and I pause. Even though I know I should just keep going, I can’t help myself and I peek in through the doorway to find Samantha suiting up to venture outside.

Frowning, I ask, before I can stop myself, “What are you doing?”

She jumps slightly, clearly startled by my sudden appearance. However, she quickly gets over her surprise and shoots me a narrow-eyed glare.

“Oh, I’m sorry, were you speaking to me?” she replies in a biting tone. “I wasn’t aware I was worth talking to again.”

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