Page 3 of Bound By Destiny

“Caleb,” I start again as firmly as possible, though humiliation already makes my cheeks burn. “I apologize. I’ve been having a hard time getting my mind off the job these days. Maybe when I finally wrap up this project next month–”

“What the hell does aircraft design have to do with what happens between us in bed?”

I gulp at the absurdity of what I’m about to say. Even I can tell my behavior is pure madness. But I just can’t help myself. I can’t get my brain to shut up, even when the guy I’ve been infatuated with for years is getting all hot and heavy. Weirdly enough, it’spreciselyat those moments that my mind is the chattiest.

“Actually,” I squeak sheepishly, “more than you can imagine. I couldn’t help but wonder if the mattress would float–”

“Float?” Caleb barks sharply. Not one ounce of something friendly, not even wry amusement, shines in his tawny eyes.

Yet I find myself nodding. “Like in case of a water landing. I’ve been trying to figure out the optimal density for the foam of the seats so that almost all passengers can use them to float if there’s an accident.” I let a few icy seconds tick by. “Um, what do you think?”

Caleb passes an exasperated hand over his face. “That this isn’t going to work.” My heart sinks as he rises and tugs on a pair of jeans. “Destiny, I like you. You’re nice, you’re pretty, you’re smart…”

I shoot to my feet and rush to my bedroom door before he can escape. “Don’t do this. We can work this out, I–”

“Probably too smart,” Caleb speaks over me relentlessly. “When we’re together, it feels like we’ve never stepped out of the office. Flight hazards. That’s all you ever talk about.”

I bite my lip, knowing this is the moment to bare my soul. “It’s because I’m nervous,” I confess with difficulty. “When I freak out my brain snaps into auto mode and I’m just inundated with all these prevention plans.” I pop my fingers. “Some of them are quite good, actually.”

“But Destiny,” he sighs wearily. “Not everything in life requires a full security check before taking off. And that definitely includes sex.”

Shame twist my insides as Caleb singles out the very crux of my problem – letting loose. I can’t. I’ve always been high-strung, though when I was younger I had my own methods to silence my thoughts. That’s impossible for me now.

And while I’ve found a way to turn my fretfulness into a lucrative career, there are some things that just don’t pair well with an overactive mind. The first time I made love, I was twenty-two. It wasn’t great. I chalked it up to a selfish partner and the discomfort of losing my virginity.

But the second time was pretty mediocre as well. All my experiences thereafter were nothing to write home about either – even when I finally snagged the man of my dreams. Caleb is sharp as a tack and so hot he could melt a glacier.

I guess I’m the problem. I’m more frigid than an iceberg, the little voice in my head nags. I’ve been suspecting it for a while, but the realization nearly makes me break down in tears. There’s no way Caleb will stay by my side if I can’t give him something this fundamental in a relationship.

“But I…” Neither one of us has ever ventured so far as to unveil our feelings, and biting insecurity sweeps over me. “I’m sure I can improve. Because I love you.”

To my horror, Caleb’s face remains impassive. “I’m not so sure about that. When we’re together, it feels like you’re only physically present at best.”

I open my mouth to argue, yet nothing comes out. How can I deny that I don’t zone out at times I should be emotionally present, when even I’m frustrated at myself?

“I can work on that,” I refute weakly.

I’ve always been able to keep my nose to the grindstone when it matters, graduating top of my class year after year until I landed a job in safety engineering for Infinite Airlines at only twenty-four. Efforts don’t daunt me. But what if this is something not even hard work can fix?

Caleb studies me grimly. “The thing is, the physical aspect of our relationship never really improved either.”

My throat bobs as my vision goes blurry.He’s dumping me.And the worst part is that I can’t blame him.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he rasps, and for the first time a hint of emotion drips into his voice. “It’ll be alright. Let’s just give each other some time, and then… Maybe we can stay friends?”

Tears threaten to fall, but some strange sense of pride prevents me from breaking down in front of him. I shrug, carefully holding in the blubbering, sobbing version of myself that’s threatening to emerge.

“We’ll see.”

Caleb waits a few moments, but I can’t look at him anymore. All I want is for him to leave so I can throw myself under the sheets and hide from the world.

To my great relief Caleb walks past me after what feels like an eternity. He sends me one last glum look.

“I’ll be back when we've both cooled down a little.”

I nod and he’s gone.

I don’t waste a second to curl up on the bed and let the waterworks flow. Wetness soaks the mattress.Will it float?I repeat to myself dejectedly, aghast at my own weirdness.Maybe it’ll float in a sea of tears, yeah.

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