Page 105 of Shattered Hearts

Zane kisses the top of my head. “I don’t always act like it, but God, Zarah. You’re my sister and I love you, and all I want is to know you’re safe and happy.”

“I know, but I’m going to screw up whether you like it or not. You can’t keep me from doing that, and it will teach me some lessons, too.”

Zane laughs. “I’m going to be a crappy dad, watching my kid stumble through life. It’ll break my heart. I’ll let security know you’re staying here, and turn your phone back on. They may need to reach you.”

“I will. I love you too, you know. You and Stella. I wouldn’t be okay without you.”

He captures my chin between his thumb and forefinger and squints his eyes playfully, studying me. “Yeah, you would. See you later, kid,” he says in Nigel Wagner’s British accent.

“Bye.”

I hear the elevator carry Zane downstairs and crawl out of bed. In the kitchen, I turn my phone back on, expecting to see a million messages from Gage. There aren’t any. He left me a short voicemail saying he hoped I was okay and if I felt like talking to give him a call, and that’s it. I don’t know if I’m disappointed he didn’t try harder or happy he listened to me and is giving me the space I want.

I fix a ham and cheese sandwich, grab some chips, and settle in front of the TV and flip on Netflix. I miss Gage more than Ishould. It’s rare we don’t spend the night together anymore, but he couldn’t spare the time he was giving me. He doesn’t work out as often as he used to, and he doesn’t go on many runs, either. He’ll be able to catch up on his work and spend time with his friends. Last night when he went out with Linc and Zane, that was the first time he’d done something like that since we met. He needs the balance just as much as I do.

I shouldn’t feel guilty wanting to be alone.

On a whim, I text Jerricka and tell her I’m going to follow her advice and put some space between Gage and me. That I’m going on a short vacation and when I come back, I’d like to pick up where we left off.

She says she’s happy to hear that and to give her office a call whenever I’m ready.

I wilt in relief. I hate being at odds with her, and while Zane might have valid concerns when it comes to Jerricka, I don’t see the harm he does. Everything that happened tore up his trust in people. I’ve been seeing her for a long time now, and I do trust her. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have let her convince me that Gage and I should break up. Jerricka only wants the best for me—her tough love proves it.

The credits are scrolling down the TV screen when my phone chimes over the music. I didn’t understand this movie any better, and I try not to think about it or what it means. Jerricka would blame me and the inconsistent way I’ve been taking the medication, or she would blame stress, pointing out that Gage isn’t adding to my life in a positive way. There wouldn’t be anything I could say to defend myself or him. Gage’s text reads,Goodnight. I love you. He added a couple of hearts to the end of his sentence.

I want to text him back. I want to tell him I love him, that I miss him, but what’s the point?

In the end, I don’t respond. He’ll see that I read it, and he’ll be hurt I didn’t reply. He’ll know something’s wrong, but he’ll understand what I’m trying to say without me having to say anything. I’ll see him at Zane and Stella’s wedding then we can go our separate ways. It’s for the best.

I’m scared to be on my own without Gage. I can hear Jerricka say, “That’s not healthy,” and it’s not. I can’t be dependent on someone my entire life. I can lean on Zane and Stella, but they’ll want to live their own lives once they’re married. I can’t transfer that dependency onto Gage. That’s not fair.

When I come back from LA, I’ll ask Zane if I can move in here. I’ll start classes online, and I can oversee the updating and redecoration of the penthouse. Zane never did do anything to it. He was thinking about hiring a contractor, but we decided to move out to the country instead. It will give me a feeling of accomplishment to direct a project like that, then I’ll live here permanently. Eventually, I can pick up tasks at the company and ease into helping Zane run it. I can date and my future will be full even without Gage in it. That’s how it should be.

I sit up late writing lists of things I want to do in the new year. I’m a little nervous about flying to LA, but I don’t have to if I don’t want to. Douglas would drive me out, but getting over my fear of flying is another task I should tackle. Flying again would open up another world. Stella and I could visit her parents in Florida. We could fly to New York and watch the shows during Fashion Week.

Despite what Jerricka told me in her office, I swallow one of the pills she prescribed. I don’t want to let her down anymore, and maybe they’re starting to work correctly. That was the only reason I stopped taking them—because they made me forgetful. Or I thought they did. Maybe I imagined the side effects. There’s been so much going on I wouldn’t be surprised if my confusion was my own doing.

I stay up a lot later than I expected, and I sleep in, waking up to Stella carrying a coffee tray into my room and calling me a sleepyhead.

I’m excited in a way I haven’t been in a long time, but the only thing I wish is that I was whole enough, together enough, to share my future with Gage.

He’s my missing piece.

I just have to finish my own part of the puzzle first.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Gage

“What did you say to her?”

“Dr. Solis, I’m sorry, he barged right past—”

“It’s okay, Susan. I have a few minutes. It will be fine.”

Dr. Jerricka Solis smiles over my shoulder at the receptionist who hurried after me, her hands fluttering when I told her what she could do with Dr. Solis’ availability.

Susan closes the door, and I stand in the middle of Jerricka’s million-dollar office, the sun barely rising over the city. I couldn’t sleep all night. I know what’s coming, and it scares the shit out of me.

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