Page 27 of Just Trouble

I’m hot inside, that perfectly delicious combo of impatience and a conviction that the experience should be prolonged. I can’t be sure where this is going. I have ideas, but Daph is the kindof person who will have some of her own. I like that, too. I love that she’s not afraid to set me straight or share her view, but that means doubt.

The very essence of romance is uncertainty.Yes, Oscar, I see now that you were on to something there.

I want to make the uncertainty last, draw it out, seduce Daph as slowly as possible—if that even can be done—and that desire contrasts with the need to know right now what it feels like to be with her. That’s an imperative.

I need to kiss her again. No, I need to do more than kiss her. I need to know what she likes and what sounds she makes and how she moves—and I need her to want me back. I want her wrapped around me, telling me what she wants, demanding more.

Again and again and again.

I want it all. I want to fall into her and drown, losing myself in what we’re like together.

I shiver and run my tongue over my lips, tasting her again, thinking of the dangerous little move with her tongue. Who would have guessed?

Not me.

It’s gratifying to have a good surprise. It’s good to feel the rush of adrenaline again, to feel alive, to be interested and intrigued in something—or better yet, someone.

When was the last time a woman destroyed me with just one kiss? I’m not sure it’s ever happened. Maybe my first kiss ever, the novelty and all that, but I can’t even remember who it was with. So, it was the sensation of a kiss, not the kisser herself, who made an impression.

This time, it’s the other way around.

Funny thing. I couldn’t get enough of the women when we had the band. They were everywhere. They were pretty and enthused. They flung themselves at us, and I thought it onlydecent to catch as many of them as I could. I was insatiable and apparently their numbers were infinite. If I’d realized my joke during an interview about my fondness for lingerie would have the stage knee-deep in lingerie at the end of every performance, I would have made it sooner. The only thing better than a lacy treat of a bra is one filled with breasts of whatever size and shape—and the only thing better than that is setting them free, and worshipping them. Thoroughly.

But I haven’t been that way for thirteen months. When Taylor died, my best friend left me, the band fell apart, fame slipped through our fingers—and a part of me died. I couldn’t sleep for months, I have no music in my heart and mind, and I haven’t had sex since.

When everything is shit, temporal pleasures are irrelevant.

Maybe I was sleepwalking. Maybe I was drifting. I sure didn’t care about much of anything.

Until today.

Until Daph.

Is it possible that I only arrived in town this morning? I look at the alarm clock, the numbers glowing red in the darkness. Not even twenty-four hours ago.

Impossible.

And yet true.

What has she awakened—and why did it come out of hibernation for her? I don’t even want to think about it. It makes one kiss seem way too important. Sure, Daph is great, but I remind myself that all of those women were great. That truth rings hollow. I didn’t want more of any of them. The once was enough.

So, why did I step back from Daph tonight?

I try another argument. Daph’s just the right woman in the right place. Maybe I was due to shake off my grief. Maybe it was time, and any woman’s kiss would have provoked this change.

Nope. All of those sound like rationalizations, too.

The sad fact is that you can’t expect different results by making the same choices over and over again. I’ve seen where surrendering to temptation repeatedly gets me. It certainly yields a measure of short-term satisfaction, but nothing that endures. And when the bit that was enduring—the fame, the money—went away, so did everything else. I learned from Taylor what it was like to have a friend who was indifferent to my circumstances and I want another one.

His death has left me lonely.

There. I said it. Or at least I allowed myself to think it. And I haven’t felt a connection with anyone in thirteen months, not until Daph shook me awake. She did it even before we kissed. She doesn’t accept the easy answer. Maybe that’s the secret. She sees through me and demands more. That reminds me of Taylor.

She’s tough and smart and beautiful…

And I like her. I really like her.

I want to knoweverythingabout her.

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