Page 38 of Pocketful of Shame

"Partially because I'm still mad at you," I admitted honestly. "But mostly because it's not enough."

"You're a real piece of shit, you know that?" she sobbed, and damn if that didn’t cut me wide open. "You've caused all of this. Every bad thing that's happened to us isyourfault. My father was right to warn me off you."

"Your father?" I demanded, pissed now. "The same prick that locked you up in a fucking institution? Oh yeah, Ro, your precious daddy is a real stellar guy." Unable to stand still, I paced the bathroom floor. "Christ, you're so fucking clueless."

"Don't you dare call me names," she warned shakily, pointing a finger at me. "Never a-fucking-gain, Sketch Capaldi!"

"Don’t tell you the damn truth?" I countered hotly. "Youareclueless. Fact. You're fucking blinded when it comes to that man – always were. And you say all of this ismyfault?" I released a furious snarl. "You'rethe one who was with Chris the night he was killed.You'rethe one with all the damn answers.You'rethe one keeping secrets.You'rethe one that got with my goddamnbrother! Meanwhile,I'mthe one being kept in the dark.I'mthe one whose heart you fucking crushed.I'mthe one who was lied to. But I'm still the one who came and got you out of there!"

"You're the one who put me in there!" she screamed at me. "You were cruel and heartless, and you drove me crazy!"

"Andyoudrovemecrazy!" I roared back at her, chest heaving. "I lost my girl and then I lost my brother. Chris is gone. Ain't never getting him back. But you –" I clamped my mouth shut and shook my head. "Forget it."

"Say it," she said hoarsely, tears trickling down her cheeks. "We're getting it all out so just fucking say it, Holden!"

"I was glad, okay!" I roared. "That night the Sherriff came to my door and told me that my brother was dead? I couldn’tbreathe. Hands down, it was the worst night of my life. But I coped. Wanna know why? Becauseyouwere okay! Because you didn’t die, Romi."

Her breath hitched. "Sketch…"

"Because the person I loved more than my own blood was still breathing," I continued, my words bleeding out, as I stalked past her into the bedroom. "My brother was dead, laid out on a slab in the fucking morgue, and all I could feel was immense gratitude that it wasn’tyou. That you survived. Something died inside of me when Chris was murdered, but the whole damn lot of me would've been snuffed out had it beenyou."

"Please stop –"

"And then I had to watch you throw yourself from that tree and it almost killed me," I choked out. "I have never been so fucking scared in my life, and you didn’t care. You just went and quit on me. You just…you juststopped.

Her breath caught. "Sketch."

"So yeah, Romi, I was glad it was Chris on that slab and not you and I fuckinghatedyou for making me feel that way," I snarled. "And I'm still mad at you. Right now, right this very minute, I'm so goddamn mad at you that I can taste it."

"For Chris," she breathed, eyes wide and fearful.

"For the lies. For the pain. For the secrets. And for jumping out of that goddamn tree and leaving me on my own in this," I seethed, hands balling into fists. "I didn’t know we were in danger, but you did. You knew someone was out to get us and you still checked out. You were willing to leave me behind." I shook my head in disgust. "I've done a lot of shitty, unforgivable things to you and I hold my hands up, but I wouldneverdo that to you. I wouldneverleave youdefenseless."

"Sketch –"

"The minute I knew you were in trouble, I put our differences aside and I came to get you. I stepped up and helped you," I choked out hoarsely. "I'mstill here, Romi, still trying to protect you from something I don’t even understand. But you neveroncethought about what would happen to me if you died. You were willing to leavemedefenseless."

She paled. "I didn’t think –"

"But then again, I shouldn’t be surprised," I choked out a humorless laugh. "I was never good enough a day in my life, so why would you care?" I forced out the words. Bitter and twisted as I sounded, I couldn’t stop myself from speaking my truth. "My mama never loved me and my father doesn’t care. I had Chris and I had you. When we broke up, I thought I would die. I honest to god didn’t know if I could heal the hole you left in me." I slapped a hand against my chest, feeling my body vibrate and shake. "It's still there, wider than ever, and then I had to watch you with him? With my ownbrother? Touching him, kissing him, fuckinglovinghim! The only two people I trusted in the whole world didn’t fucking care about me. Neither one of you thought about how I would feel. You didn’t care then and you don’t care now."

"Youbroke up withme!" she screamed, louder than I'd ever heard her scream in my whole life. "You did that to us, Sketch. Not me. What was I supposed to do?"

"You were supposed to not fuck my brother!"

She flinched and I turned my back, unable to deal with the turbulence in her eyes.

"Don't you dare do that," she warned, voice cracking. "Don’t you ever turn your back on me again."

"What do you want from me, huh?" I snarled, red-faced, as I swung around to glare at her. "The fuck are you expecting from me?"

"Better." Steeling her resolve, she looked me dead in the eye and hissed, "I expectbetter, Sketch."

"Look, I don’t know what else you want me to say." Clenching my fists, I forced myself to keep my eyes on hers. "I'm an asshole. I get that. I fucked up. I treated you badly. I hurt you. I wronged you. I lost my fucking mind for a while." A shudder racked through my body. "It won't change a damn thing, but if you need the word from me then here it is; I'm sorry, Romi. I'm fuckingsorry, okay?"

"No," she choked out, sniffling. "It's not okay. You – " her voice cracked and she gasped for air before continuing, "You promised me forever."

I turned my face away like her words had slapped me. "Yeah, well, I think it's pretty clear by now that forever is just a temporary pitstop."

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