Page 50 of The Labyrinth

What had I done?What had I fuckingdone? I dropped to my knees, staring at my bloodied hands. The tears I expected didn’t come, just sad gasping breaths, my brain struggling to make sense of the events that just happened. This was a sin that could never be wiped from my soul, no matter how hard I scrubbed. I had done what I had to do to survive, but I never expected it to feel so dirty.

A strong set of arms wrapped around me, rough hands brushing away the hair from my face. They kept me from looking at the body I knew was there. Instead, I looked up into Ten’s face. He shook his head. “Look at me. Look at me, Rissa!” I looked into his deep eyes, trying to find something to center myself in, something to moor myself down before I floated away. His hands gripped my face, his thumb stroking my cheek. “You are good. Do you hear me? You’re good. You did what you had to do.”

The tears came now, streaming down my face. I sobbed, crying for whatever was left of my morals.

Ten just held me, wrapping his arms around my body until there was nothing but the two of us. “Shush, my sweet girl. You are good. You are still good.”

I clung to him and I cried, falling to pieces in his arms while he held all the shattered bits of my soul together.

Chapter22

Ten

Rissa was slipping through my fingers, and all I could do was watch. All along I had expected to lose her. But I had anticipated her running away. Realizing what a monster I really was, and leaving me in the night.

I didn’t expect her to leave me behind while lying in my bed. I didn’t expect her to run away while being cradled in my arms. But here we were, Rissa’s soul slipping through my fingers, bit by bit.

After the Cage, I had carried her home, gathering her into my arms, shielding her from the taunts and cheers of my people. She was limp, sobbing softly. I knew the feeling the Cage brought out in you. The knowing that it came down to them or you, and how badly you wanted to be alive. So you turned off your morals, your better judgment. You shut yourself off from reality, and did what you needed to do to survive. But nothing with a price that high went unpaid, and eventually the debt would be collected. The toll for killing another person, even to save yourself, was your soul.

The only difference between Rissa and myself was that I had been bred for this. I had experienced violence daily since I was young. The darkness Rissa had inside her was a different kind. But killing people for sport didn’t happen in the villages, no matter how bad it got.

I ignored everyone on the street, the open stares and calls. I kicked open my front door, and carried her up the stairs, past her room. She had seen what lay beneath my skin, and I saw the weight her bones carried. Inviting her into my bedroom was the least I could do.

I bundled her into bed. She rolled on her side, away from me. I was at a loss. All I could do was reassure her, but how far would my words really go? At the end of the day, they were empty if her heart couldn’t hear me.

I stretched out behind her, cradling her to my chest. She collapsed back into me, and I wasn’t sure if she was even aware she did so. But she did, and that was a step. “Deliciae,” I whispered, running my hands down her arms. “Deliciae. You did what you had to do, my sweet girl. I wish this life were a better place, a place where we didn’t have to make such decisions. And I am so sorry I put you in that position. So if you’re going to blame someone, blame me. Put the weight on me. I’ll carry it.”

She shook her head, her hair tickling my shoulders. “It wasn’t you. You’re right. It’s this life. It takes away our ability to be good. It was bound to come to this at some point. I’m just... I’m just… I’m just glad Ettie didn’t have to see that.” She broke into tears again, and all I could do was hold her.

So I held her. I told her she was good, just like she had told me in the library. I held all her broken pieces while she grieved a life she never had. For days, she lay in bed. I couldn’t get her out for anything. Her flesh wounds healed quickly. The emotional ones were slower. I offered the finest foods, trying to tempt her with treats I had bought from the market. When I left, I no longer locked her in, instead leaving an anxious Griffin in the living room in case she needed anything. I ran her baths, watching them grow cold as she tossed and turned in bed. I offered her my love. I offered her everything I thought she needed, everything I had to fix that missing piece her soul was craving—the piece that told her she wasgood.

I began to doubt if any of us really knew whatgoodwas. Because all I knew was this woman with the messy hair and the heavy soul was so fucking good, and she cried herself to sleep at night thinking she was anything but. Maybe our definition was archaic, and needed to be changed. Our souls were a scale, a spectrum of darkness and light. To think that Rissa held herself in the same spectrum as my father, who was truly evil, just felt completely wrong.

I just didn’t know what I could do to make her see that. If I needed to breathe for her, I would. I would be her lungs until hers chose to work. I’d be her heart, her soul, I would do whatever I needed to do until she came back to me, because above anything else I knew I wouldn’t survive if she didn’t.

I carried a tray of food up to my bedroom, deciding that if Rissa wouldn’t come to the kitchen, I would bring the kitchen to her. So far, the only things I had managed to get her to eat were small bowls of soup, or bread with butter. But today would be different. A large piece of chocolate cake towered on the tray, alongside a bowl of fresh strawberries, so red and ripe I couldn’t help but pop a few into my mouth. Rissa would love them. I could only imagine her face when she tasted how sweet they were. I would support her for as long as she needed, and carry the burden of her guilt even longer than that, but if I could tempt her to come back to me with sweetness and sugar, I would do that, too.

I was more bitter than sweet, I knew that. But right now, Rissa didn’t need bitter. She needed someone to remind her why she had fought so hard in the Cage, why she had wanted to stay alive so badly. When I returned, she was in the same position I had left her in.

“Rissa, it’s time to get up. I’m going to open the curtains. It’s a beautiful day.”

She muttered something unintelligible, and I set the tray on the small bedside table. I walked over to the curtains, opening them wider than I ever had, letting the light encompass the room. In the streets below, people milled about, more active than normal since the Cage. Something about the fight brought a sense of normalcy back to the city, and made people feel safe once more. But Rissa merely covered her head with the blanket, burrowing deeper into the bed. With a sigh, I sat next to her, the bed sinking beneath my added weight.

“Rissa. I love you. I will be here for you as long as you need. But we should get you out of bed.” When I pulled back the blanket covering her head, she curled into herself, until I pulled it back completely. She looked up at me, her eyes broken and filled with a heartache I wanted to wipe away. “Oh, my sweet girl.”

Her eyes brimmed with tears. “It’s never going to go back to the way it was, is it?”

I shook my head. “No. It won’t. But sometimes that's the beauty in life. It never stays the same. It gives us endless chances to reinvent ourselves. It’s an endless cycle of evolution. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll like the new Rissa even more than the last one.”

“What if I don’t?”

I ran my hands over the tangles in her hair. I really needed to get her in the tub, to wash and brush all these knots. Small steps. “I’ll like you enough for both of us then. I promise I’ll like every single version of you, in every single life. Good, bad, or a dozen kinds in between. I’ll love you forever, Rissa.”

“You shouldn’t,” she whispered. “You deserve someone who is strong enough to fight for their life, and not crumble to pieces afterward. Someone who has confidence in their decisions.”

“You’re right on one thing. I don’t deserve you. But you’re mine just the same, and I’m keeping you whether you like it or not.” I was quiet, stroking her hair, and she settled her head on my lap. This was progress. She was coming to me, instead of me going to her. Small, microscopic baby steps were still steps. “You’ll come back to yourself, deliciae. It’s not going to happen overnight. But little by little, the fire will grow inside you again.”

A thought occurred to me. Maybe I had been going about this all along. Maybe Rissa didn’t need quiet comfort, and gentle reassurance. Maybe she needed something to remind her why she fought so hard in the first place. Why she was still alive, and how the fire was still burning inside her. I lifted her head off my lap, sliding off the bed. I had everything I needed in my room. I just needed to collect it all. Once I had gathered it, I returned back to Rissa’s side.

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