Page 46 of Delirium

Trying to fit the pieces of everything that had happened both at the waterfall and on the boat was like trying to force two magnets together. I knew they weresupposedto fit. It made sense for them to fit. But I was trying too hard to shove the same poles together, and they just kept repelling each other, over and over again.

This was what I knew, laid out on paper, simplest terms only. We were on theCarpe Diem, which was supposed to be going on a tour of the rainforest, but James threw some money around and now we were searching for a city most of the locals insisted didn’t exist. A wild goose chase, really.

I also knew my feelings about reliance and humans still stood. Humansweren’tinherently good. We were put on this planet to destroy and conquer, no matter the consequences staring straight back at us. It was better to be reliant solely on yourself, and prepare for the inevitable fallout.

The final concept I knew to be true, was I had very real, very deep feelings for Scarlett, even as everything in my body screamed to run in the opposite direction.

Besides, how was I even supposed to bring up the idea of feelings to her? We’d been pretty clear on day one, our relationship wasjustphysical. She was looking for an escape from reality. I was looking for something that made me feel real. Two opposite magnetic poles, fitting neatly together in the middle.

The time we’d shared in the waterfall didn’t help me make sense of my knot of emotions, either. Was she into me? Was she into Nash? I also couldn’t help but notice the glances she stole in James’ direction. Was there a possibility she was attracted to all of us?

Probably more than a possibility, if I looked at the facts in front of me. We were in extremely close quarters, and the more time we spent on the boat, the more tensions grew.

I was certain the heat was not helping things. Even lying on my bed, door open, window as wide as possible to catch a breeze, sweat clung to every single one of my pores. It was overbearing, thick as mud, and at times, seemed nearly impossible to breathe. Funny, though, because I didn’t remember it being this hot before I got on the boat. It was February in the rainforest, and the rainy season made everything sticky and humid, but this was crazy.

Maybe that was the solution I was looking for, plain in front of my face.Iwas crazy. Being crazy would make the most sense, wouldn’t it? Occam's razor, the simplest answer was usually the right one.

I was the crazy one, thinking someone as beautiful and witty as Scarlett would ever have feelings for me, when Nash was right there, with his smiles and his laughs and his huge-ass shoulders. Seriously, how did the man get so fucking buff with no gym in sight? And even if Nash wasn’t an option, James had money and status. You’d have to be blind not to notice the way James stared at Scarlett, but I wouldn’t put it past her to explain it away as something other than attraction. Still, I knew something was there.

And then there was me. The university dropout. The one on the run from the cops. The one with nothing to offer except maybe a couple good orgasms.

That was it. Ihadto be crazy. Even if I wasn’t, I was headed there with the heat slowly driving me mad. How did Nash put up with this for years on end? The man had to be a god or something. There was no way someone looked that goodnaturally.

“Knock knock.”

I sat up at the sound of Scarlett’s voice, only to see her standing in my open door. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.” She looked around the room, as if it held some hidden secret to the parts of me she knew I still hid from her. Finally, her gaze landed on my face. “Can I come in?”

“You don’t need to ask.” I scooted backward until my shoulders rested on the wall. “Lots of room.”

She took a seat on my bed, leaning against the other wall. “I was getting worried about you. You don’t normally sleep this long.”

I was too busy figuring out where the hell I stood with you to think about breakfast.“Yeah, I think the heat is getting to me.”

“It’s way hotter than it was when we got on the boat, right?” she said. “I swear if Nash wasn’t so paranoid about something eating me in the night, I’d have better luck sleeping on the deck.”I know you’re lying.

I don’t know how to tell you I think I have feelings for you, when I’m pretty sure you just want the physical.“I mean, the man has lived here for ages longer than any of us. If he thinks something is going to eat you, I’d listen to him.”

Scarlett fell silent, tapping one of her feet to an invisible beat. We were playing a game of chicken here, both of us with unspoken words on our minds, but neither of us wanted to confess our true reason for the conversation first.

In my internal notebook of how the human race functioned, I usually found confession to be a sign of weakness. The inability to keep a secret was a flaw in our genetic makeup. Sitting in front of Scarlett, the words I so badly wanted to say were stuck behind my teeth, and the inability to confess felt like the real defect.

Speaking the words aloud were needed, yet I feared they would make me weaker once they were out in the open. I didn’t know how she would respond, and the fear of her opinion felt like a chip in my soul.

I had never cared before. Why was I starting now? But of course, we always came back to Occam’s razor.

The simplest option was usually the answer.

I cared because Scarlett mattered to me. I didn’t want toacknowledgeshe mattered to me, because doing so would make me weak. So speaking the words aloud made no difference. No matter if I said it or not, the feelings were there just the same.

Before I could open my mouth and spill my guts, Scarlett beat me to it, another point for her while I still lagged behind. “I was worried you were avoiding me after yesterday. I should’ve spoken to you before, but I got caught up in the moment, and you didn’t seem to oppose and I?—”

I shook my head. “Wait, what?”

She looked at me, cocking her head, her long, loose hair tumbling over her bare shoulder. “I figured you were mad that I kissed Nash and invited him into this,” she gestured between us with a finger, “without asking you first. So I’m sorry. That was fucked up on my part to think you’d be into a threesome kind of thing. You probably think I’m crazy weird now, and I don’t blame you, but I can’t stop myself from also thinking this is right, and really, what’s telling me it’s wrong to have feelings for multiple men? Society? Which is just freaking nuts. But it probably makes more sense in my head, and fuck, you’re looking at me like I have two heads. Tell me to shut up.”

I leaned forward, wrapping my hand lightly around her throat, just enough for her to relax into my grip while I pressed my lips against hers. “Scarlett. Baby. Shut up.”

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