Page 49 of Delirium

“Shit, I’m sorry.” With the exception of the moment in the hallway, this was probably the closest we’d ever been. My hands pressed to his chest as I teetered, trying to find my balance.

James wrapped his hands around my upper arms, steadying me. “It’s okay. I should’ve been looking where I was going, too. I guess my head is just all…”

His gaze drifted to the riverbank, where the stone demanded our attention, even though the walls and water that separated us. He felt it, too. The uncertainty.

But bringing it up made it real. I didn’t think I wanted to make it real. Not yet.

Besides, his chest muscles tensing beneath my hands was real enough.

He peered down at me, neither of us making a move to leave. I shouldn’t be having this moment with him, not before I’d ever spoken to Nash, who was probably spiraling into an existential crisis the longer I left it.

But something about being in James’ arms just feltright. Plain and simple. I could probably write an entire thesis on exactly how right it felt. He’d never read it, but maybe it’d help to get the words off my chest, set them free into a world that might reject them as soon as they left my lips.

James opened his mouth, closed his eyes, and stepped away. “We should go. Nash wants to get a move on before we lose too much light.”

I rubbed my arms, weirdly cold where his hands no longer sat. Unfortunately, that also went into the category of things I couldn’t tell him. Add it to the never-ending list.

I tried cracking a smile, but even that felt false. “If he rings that bell one more time I might knock him out with it.”

I couldn’t make out James’ response, but I was pretty sure I caught something along the lines of “He’d probably like it.”

I didn’t disagree.

We walked to the front of the boat, where Nash had already lowered the gangplank. I wished there was a simple answer for my feelings about James, something as easy as he was hot. He was pretty. He had a good soul. He wasgood. Wouldn’t that be the simplest answer of them all?

Yes, he was pretty. Yes, he was rich. Yes, he was all these things, but he was also a massive asshole who couldn’t confront his feelings if they hit him over the head with a dinner bell. Was that something I really wanted to get involved with?

Did I even have the choice?

Right now it felt like I was just along for the ride, caught up in the current of my own life. It was a deeply unsettling feeling for someone who’d had control over their life for the most part.

I looked over at James, staring at him beneath my lashes, trying to find some kind of redeeming quality about him, something that explained exactly why I felt the way I did about him.

My conversation with Camp hadn’t helped me at all, and while he seemed more than fine with Nash—who Ialsostill needed to talk with—he was less interested in James. I couldn’t say I blamed him.

Nash turned to me, offering his hand with a quiet smile, making me realize even he was subdued. I waited for someone to open their mouth, to scream that we shouldn’t be doing this, how something felt wrong. I waited for someone to vocalize all the words spinning around in my head. Nobody did.

I could. I could put my foot down. I could put into words the feelings we all had, the reason the sweat was creeping down my back, the reason I had goosebumps, even in this sweltering heat.

I could. But I wouldn’t. Because we all knew. We had to do this. We’d come this far.

So when Nash offered his hand again, murmuring, “Ladies first,” I took it.

Hyper-aware of his movements, I didn’t need to look back to know that James was next down the gangplank, following me closely.

Once we all stood on the muddy riverbank, boots slowly descending into the cloudy water, Camp broke the silence. “So, like, if I’m the first to step foot inside this city or whatever, does that mean I get to name it after myself?”

It was such an absurd thought I couldn’t stop from laughing. “Camp, babe, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that.”

He winked at me, barely smiling, but I knew it was there all the same. “Worth a shot.”

“It’s not how it works at all,” James grumbled. “Besides, even if it did, it would be my company that got to name the city, seeing as you are all just along for the ride.”

I rolled my eyes without even thinking. “Maybe we should just all stay on the boat then, if we’re that insignificant.”

James stopped walking, turning around to glare at me. “Don’t twist my words. I never said you were insignificant. Despite whatever you all might think about me, I know how much discoveries mean to all of you, and I thought you might want to bear witness to such a momentous occasion, no?”

Again, I couldn’t disagree. Despite the discomfort rolling in my core, I was already thinking about all the possibilities the city could hold. Would there still be bits of civilization left we could examine, or would it just all be rubble, barely visible in the mud of the rainforest, nearly entirely dissolved by time?

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