Page 58 of Delirium

I didn’t want to go to the wheelhouse. I didn’t want to go downstairs. I just wanted tobefor a minute and forget everything else going on.

I lay down onto the hard wooden deck, staring up at the night sky. The clouds reminding me of the looming rainy season still lingered, but they didn’t cover everything completely yet. For the first time in days, I found myself at peace.

“What the hell are you doing?”

I snapped up to a sitting position to see Scarlett with half a smile on her face. The stars and moon illuminated her in a cool light. She looked as hot as I felt, with only a thin tank top and shorts clinging to her skin.

“I just needed some air. Want to join me?” I patted the floor next to me as if it were a hotel bed, and not the weather-worn floor of my boat. “Lots of space.”

Her smile spread, but she shook her head. “As much as it looks incredibly comfortable, I should go back to bed. I just wanted some water.”

I wanted her to be next to me right now. No, I needed her to be next to me, even in the gentlest of contexts. I needed her skin next to mine, and to know we were both okay.

“Come on,” I said, giving her the best smile I could muster. “Just for a minute, then you can go to bed, or whatever boring thing it is you want to do.”

Scarlett rolled her eyes but made her way over to me anyway. “I don’t consider sleeping to be boring after the day we’ve had.”

I rolled myself onto one elbow, looking up at her. I needed her to know I wasn’t taking no for an answer. She needed to be down here, and maybe then everything would be okay. “Scarlett Ward. I promise you, one minute lying on the floor of this deck will fix all our problems, and if I’m wrong, you can tie me up and let me sink to the bottom of the river. Now get your fine ass over here before I make you.”

“Okay, okay,” she laughed. “You win.”

She sat down on the cool deck next to me, shuffling over until she was pressed against my side. For a moment, I was shocked at how warm her skin was. Then I remembered how hot my own cabin had been. I lay back, and she rested her head against my shoulder.

There were a lot of mysteries in this world, and one of them was how goddamn easy things were with Scarlett. It was like we were two souls who’d known each other before, and would find each other again and again. Everything just madesensewhen she was next to me.

I pointed to the dark sky, at the flickering stars hanging above us. “This is my favorite part about living away from the city. Being away from the noise and traffic and people is all well and good, but this… This is like the biggest piece of artwork you’ve ever seen, painted just for you.”

She rolled her head up into the crook of my neck and gasped. “There…there are so many stars.”

“It’s incredible isn’t it? How big it all is when you really think about it. Makes you realize how small and insignificant we really are.”

I could feel her smile without seeing it. “I don’t think you could ever be small or insignificant, Nash. You’re larger than life.”

Warmth flooded my chest, my heart suddenly two sizes too big. “I don’t know about that. I think I’m doing what everyone’s doing—their best to just get by.”

“I don’t believe that for a second. Out of all of us, you’re really living life. You’re doing what you’re meant to do on this planet.”

I rolled onto my side, facing her. She looked above me, away from my gaze, until I pulled her chin down, forcing her to look at me. “And if I’m doing that, what exactly are you doing?”

Scarlett gave a halfhearted shrug. “Figuring it out as I go along. Drifting. Floating. Hoping my reason comes to me.”

“Darling, why the hell are you on my boat?” I stroked her chin, knowing every cell in her body was probably screaming for her to shut down, to not share with me.

But something in her eyes broke. “I…I guess I needed to run away.” She sighed. “The stupid thing is, I don’t think any one thing in particular happened. Just a lot of little things. I never really had a life, even in high school. I was always at home, studying. There was always something that needed to be done, more important than building friendships. I told myself it was fine, how it was supposed to be. I was working hard to set myself up for the rest of my life. It makes sense when you’re in the middle of it all. There’s always more time. There’s always a chance to change things later.”

I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, watching all of her carefully wound emotions tumble out of her.

“One day, I was sitting in my apartment, doing yet more studying, my PhD in sight, and I heard a birthday party going on next door. I knew my neighbor. They were about my age. The apartment was filled with people. And there I sat at my desk, listening to them having fun, and realized I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to a birthday party. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d just hung out with a friend for fun. I scrolled through my phone, looking for a number of someone I knew who would pick up, and came up with no one. Somewhere along the line, I’d completely isolated myself. All that work to set myself up for the rest of my life…and the rest of my life was going to be as lonely and empty as it already was, but at least I’d have a piece of paper to show for it, right?” She scoffed. “I was a fucking idiot, Nash.”

My heart ached for her, alone and lost, so confident she knew the way until one day the path disappeared from beneath her feet. “You weren’t. You were doing what you thought was best. It’s hard to see things clearly when we’re in the middle of it. Don’t I know that more than most?”

“It just feels like such a worthless complaint. So many people have it worse. And I’m here complaining because my life is empty, I don’t know who I am, and I’m lonely.” Scarlett angrily swiped away at a tear. “It sounds so stupid in the grand scheme of things.”

“No. It doesn’t. Loneliness is a powerful feeling. Fear is even more powerful. And if you’re afraid of being lonely…well. It makes perfect sense.” I ran my thumb across her lips. “I can promise you one thing, though. If I have anything to say about it, you’ll never be lonely again.”

Even in only the light of the moon, I could see the way her eyes lit up. “I can’t believe I just told you all that,” she whispered.

“I mean, I’ve told you my darkest secrets. I don’t think it’s strange for you to have told me yours.” I pulled her closer to my chest, running my fingers through her soft hair. “I don’t think it’s strange at all, actually. Because I think I love you.”

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