Page 81 of Delirium

My boot immediately squelched into the mud up to my ankle, and I looked down at my foot in disgust.Guess I was hiking muddy. James wasn’t going to be happy.

The rain let up slightly under the canopy of trees, but some still trickled through as I took inventory of the camp. Luckily, packing up wouldn’t be that much of an issue and we’d be on our way. Nash had slung the bag of food up in the trees the night before, and I made quick work of the knot, bringing it down to the ground with a thud.

Building a fire was out of the question, which wasn’t great, because I didn’t love that the boys were going to be wet and cold all day when they were already feverish, but there wasn’t much I could do.

Boys. They were men. But they were my boys. Weren’t they?

I smiled down at my feet, thinking about the strange twist of fate my life had been since I’d come to the rainforest. I’d come here looking for an adventure, and I’d found one alright. Just not in the way I’d ever expected.

The tent zippered, and I looked up from my handful of protein bars to see James glaring up at the sky and cursing. I smiled to myself.Called it.

“There’s an extra poncho in my bag if you want it,” I said to him, already dropping the protein bars to dig through and find it. “Here you go!”

James held out the clear, thin poncho like it offended generations of his ancestors. “Is this what my life has come to?”

“Yes. Now put it on and stop whining.” I sifted through the protein bars. “What would you like for breakfast? I have Brownie, Chocolate Mint, Banana…”

James pulled the poncho on over his head, looking positively miserable, and the silver packages in my hand didn’t improve his mood at all. “This is my Hell. Somewhere along the way, I think I died, and I’m in Hell.”

Somehow, the poncho made James look more frightening, but I’d never tell him that. “Well, if you’re done complaining, I’ll go make sure Camp and Nash are getting ready.” I stuffed the bars into my pocket, and turned on my heel. Today wasn’t going to be a great day, but comparing it to Hell wasn’t helping either.

“Wait.” I turned around. James was reaching for me, pulling me to him tightly. Even sick, even stressed by making sure we got out of here, my body reacted to his in ways that shocked me. “I’m sorry. Just wait.”

It felt like pieces of a puzzle finally settling back together. Like everything was right in the universe for one brief moment.

He bent, kissing me deeply, fully, in the way only James ever could. Everything he did was all consuming. Nothing stood between James and what he wanted, and right now he wanted me.

He pulled back, breathing heavily.

“What was that for?” I asked.Not that I minded.

“Camp just being so sick made me realize…that…” He still gripped my shoulders, but looked over my head, past me, not wanting to make eye contact, a small remnant of the wall he built still intact.

“James. I think we’re past this. Talk to me.”

When he met my gaze, his blue eyes weren’t as icy as they normally were. They were filled with emotions I’d not seen before. He pushed his damp hair away from his face. “I just realized that if this was it, this isn’t the way I want to go out. This isn’t the way I want you to remember me.”

I shook my head, resting my hand on his cheek. “None of us are dying, James. Not today. Not for a long time.”

He rested his hand atop mine. “Let me speak. If I don’t get my thoughts out, they’ll eat me alive.”

James inhaled deeply and continued. “I don’t want to leave this world without you knowing that I love you. I’m pretty sure I loved you the moment I saw you, so confident and sure, shining more brightly than the sun. You were so perfect, and I hated you for it. I hated the feelings you were stirring up inside me. Loving you made me feel weak. Vulnerable.”

“Oh, James,” I breathed. My heart cracked under the sincerity of his voice, and the strength in his eyes—two things I’d only seen when he spoke about work thus far.

“I don’t know when I realized that loving you didn’t make me weak. Maybe it was when you were there for me in the city camp tent, when my life felt like it was falling apart. Maybe it was when I thought you were dead, taken from me. I’m not sure. But at some point, I realized I was weaker without you. Love wasn’t making me vulnerable. Not accepting it was. And I didn’t think I needed to say it out loud. I guess I figured you would just know. But all last night I lay awake wondering what would happen if something happened to me, and you didn’t know, and for the rest of eternity you’d go on and live your life without knowing how I felt about you.” He sucked in a breath. “I don’t expect you to say it back. I don’t expect anything from you, actually. I just wanted you to know how much you’ve changed me.”

“I love you, too.” I stood on my tiptoes, pressing a quick kiss to his surprised mouth. “Don’t look so shocked. It can’t be that much of a surprise.”

“I just…I guess I…” James opened and closed his mouth several times, before giving up and wrapping his arms around me, squeezing me for all he was worth. “Thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me.”

“Giving up was never an option.” I stretched out my arms as far as I could around his broad back, strong from having to carry so much emotional weight over the years, and broken for the same reason. Maybe one day, I’d be able to put him back together.

He reached beneath my chin, pulling my face up to his for another kiss. Kissing James made the world melt away, his gasps slipping between my lips, my tongue dancing with his. Nothing else existed other than this moment.

Camp and Nash found us locked in each other’s arms. Camp groaned. “Really? Again? I guess I should be grateful you at least have clothes on this time.”

“You act like it bothers you.” I laughed.

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