Page 83 of Delirium

Twenty-Nine

NASH

When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a superhero. I wanted to be the kind who wore a cape, and swooped in at the last second, saving people’s lives while passersby looked on and cheered, waiting to take a picture with their hero. Invisibility, power of flight, super hearing, all of those were cool, but I wanted nothing more than immortality. I would watch hours of cartoons, seeing all those characters get into life or death situations, always managing to come through because they were untouchable. As I grew older, I realized that was impossible. None of us were untouchable. People got sick and hurt and died, and there was nothing you could do about it.

But now, I wondered if maybe I was wrong to write it off so quickly. We stormed through the mud and the rain, and Camp’s slow heart beat on my shoulder. I didn’t need to be touching Scarlett to know her heart was beating double time to make up for his.

I think that’s where I got it all wrong, because I think there was something to be said about the resilience of the human heart.

It breaks. It beats.

It breaks again. It beats twice.

When you think about it, what is immortality really, other than a heart’s ability to heal, over and over again? A rebirth in the simplest terms.

We die. We come back to life.

How many times had our hearts been broken, only for the four of us to find our way here, together? Still we were here, marching forward. I knew if I looked back, I’d see James holding Scarlett’s hand, keeping her together.

I hoped like Hell I was leading them in the right direction. One wrong turn and our immortality would be no more, leaving all of us wandering for who knew how long. That was a lot of responsibility on one person.

But I had to lead. There was no choice. They were relying on me, and I refused to let them down.

I couldn’t.

But you might.

The voice in the trees was back. I couldn’t deal with this right now. If I got sick, there would be no one to carry Camp. “Go away,” I muttered.

You said it yourself. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on one person. Maybe it would just be easier to accept failure and move on.

“No.” I kept walking, minutes turning into hours as I ignored the gentle voice calling to me from the trees, whispering the truths I wanted to not think about.

You can’t save them all, Nash. That was your first downfall. Thinking you could.

The world was starting to spin, and sweat was beginning to pool, even under my thin shirt. I shook my head to clear the water from my eyes, holding onto Camp tighter, his heart still beating.

His heart was still beating. If his heart was still beating, I needed to keep going.

One foot in front of the other.

Makes no difference to me if you fail now, or fail later. You’ll be a part of the rainforest soon, either way.

I couldn’t fail. One foot in front of the other. Somewhere, I could hear Scarlett’s voice, calling out to me. She sounded scared.

Be easier to just give up now.

Giving up wasn’t an option. My legs were growing weaker, and Camp was growing heavier, but his heart wasstill fucking beating.

I didn’t see the trees. I didn’t see the rain. I didn’t see the animals, cowering in the shadows.

Which meant I also didn’t see the root that tripped me, sending both myself and Camp into the mud.

See? Isn’t giving up easier?

Scarlett screamed somewhere, very far away. My eyelids felt very heavy. The jaguar sat at the base of the trees, licking its paws, staring at me eagerly. All I wanted was to tell Scarlett to be careful.

My eyes closed, and once they opened, the jaguar was gone.

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