Page 102 of I Saw Her First

He shakes his head, looking across the street. “What do you care?”

“I do care.” I reach out to touch his arm, then think better of it.

We cross Avenue A, entering Tompkins Square Park, and I motion for us to sit on a bench. Jess hesitates for a long moment, then eventually joins me, facing a statue of some guy I don’t recognize.

“Jess…” I take a deep breath, hoping he’ll stay long enough to hear me out. Hoping he’ll listen. “I’m so sorry.”

He folds his arms stubbornly across his chest, saying nothing. I give him a moment to absorb my apology, then draw breath to speak again, when he finally says, “I don’t get it, Daisy.” His ocean-blue eyes, identical to his father’s, express hurt when they meet mine. “I know things didn’t end well—”

“Things didn’t justnot end well,” I say, knowing this is not the reason I’m here, but struggling to let that go. “You brought someone else home, then yelled at me for not sleeping with you, in front of your dad, before vanishing. It was humiliating.”

Regret flickers in Jesse’s eyes, but it quickly passes. “Yeah, but mydad? Of all the people to—”

“I know.” I look down at my hands. “But you have to understand, we… There was already something there, before I even met you. It’s not like I went after him out of revenge, or something.”

“But…” Jess rubs his eyes. “This is what I don’t get. If you two liked each other—which is still something I’m struggling with, by the way—but if you did, then why didn’t something happen before you met me?”

“Because…” How do I explain this? “I thought he was married. He still wore his ring.”

Jess picks up a red oak leaf that falls onto his lap, the edges rimmed in gold, heralding the start of fall. He folds it between his fingers, his jaw tight, saying nothing.

“You know things weren’t great between us,” I murmur. “We weren’t a good fit.”

He huffs, tearing the leaf in two.

“I didn’t hold back with you because of We—” I cringe. “Because of your dad. I did that because it didn’t feel right, and I think you knew that too. That we weren’t a good match.”

He shrugs, still refusing to speak.

“Honestly, Jess…” I sigh, picking up a leaf of my own and smoothing it between my palms. “I’m not sure you were even ready for a relationship. I’m not sure you’d… dealt with what happened with your mom. You wouldn’t let me in. You wouldn’t talk.”

“For fuck’s sake.” He flings the leaf onto the ground and goes to launch to his feet, but I grab his arm.

“This is what I mean,” I say gently. “I’m trying to talk to you about this, but you won’t let me.” I remember what Rex said about Jess speaking to a therapist, and wonder if I should mention that, then think better of it. I can only hope he’s still seeing them.

“So that makes it okay?” He wheels to face me, eyes dark with fury. “I wouldn’t talk to you about my dead mom, so you thought it was okay to fuck my dad?”

“Jesus.” I press a hand to my forehead. “Of course not. It wasn’t like that.”

“What was it like, then?” he spits. “Tell me how it happened. I need to know.”

“Jess—”

“Tell me.”

I exhale slowly. “I spent a lot of time with him while you were out with friends at the beach. Mostly I think he felt sorry for me, being left there alone. And it was nice to have the company. Then when you took off, we…” Ugh, this part doesn’t make either of us look good. “I stuck around for a few days, and we went for a walk to Sullivan’s Cove. We both knew at that point that we had feelings for each other, but we agreed not to act on them.” I pause, wondering whether I should mention the darkroom, then decide to be honest. Jess has already seen it, anyway. “While we were away, your dad really encouraged me to get back into my photography. He was quite insistent.” I chuff a tiny laugh at the memory, and Jess glances at me, puzzled.

“You do photography?”

I nod. “This is what I mean about us not being a good match. You should have known this about me.”

Realization dawns on his face. “The darkroom… the photographs… those were yours? You took those?”

“Yes. Well… most of them,” I add, my cheeks heating at the memory of the ones Wes took. The ones Jess found.

He must be remembering that too because his brows crash together again and he turns away.

“Your dad built me the darkroom to encourage me. It’s…” I shake my head, still partially in disbelief about his actions. “It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

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