Page 52 of I Saw Her First

“I met someone,” I mumble, right as the server sets my fettucine in front of me. I stare at it blankly, my appetite AWOL.

Pauline gives an understanding nod. “And you feel guilty? Because of Lydia?”

I grimace. Maybe I should feel guilty about that, but I don’t. Lydia told me before she died that she wanted me to find someone else—that Iwouldfind someone else, and she would be happy for me.

Of course, I doubt she imagined it would be Jesse’s ex.

“No. I know she’d want me to be happy.”

“Yes. She would.” Pauline nods, reaching for her fork. “So then… why do you look so miserable?”

I twirl my fork through my pasta, my stomach churning. I can’t tell Pauline the truth, that I’m falling for my son’s ex-girlfriend. Pauline is kind and caring, but even she has her limits.

“It can’t…” I blow my breath out slowly. “It can’t go anywhere.”

Pauline sets her fork down. “Why on earth not?”

I cringe, poking at my food. “She’s younger than me.”

Her eyes narrow. “How much younger?”

God. I need to generalize.

“Uh… not quite thirty.” I glance up. “But she’s mature, really mature. And smart, and kind, and so creative. She’s a photographer, and she’s good.” I think back to the prints hanging in the darkroom, the contrast of light, the composition. I’m not a photographer, but with a background in design and advertising, I can tell she knows her stuff. “Really good,” I add.

Pauline’s mouth twitches with a smile. “Did I tell you Julia is dating an older man? He’s in his late thirties.”

I frown, stuffing a forkful of pasta into my mouth. “That’s not the same thing.”

“Not exactly.” She pushes her blond curls over her shoulder with a shrug. “But… does it really matter? I haven’t heard you talk about a woman like this since Lydia died.”

I swallow. I haven’tfeltlike this about a woman since then, either.

“You know what I think?” Pauline says. “I think you’re making excuses.”

I splutter. “I’m sorry?”

She sighs, reaching for my hand again. “It was awful losing Lydia, honey, I know, but you have a chance to be happy again, and you’re turning it down? You must be scared, Wes.”

“Scared?”

“Of course. Scared of loving someone new and losing them all over again.”

I slug back my wine, considering this, because there’s a whole other part of the story she doesn’t know about Jess and his history with Daisy. And that’s something I won’t be sharing with her.

“Maybe,” I mutter, shoveling more food into my mouth. I’m not hungry, but I know I need to eat. Besides, it would be rude if I didn’t, given Pauline dragged me here.

“You like this woman, right?”

I nod. I more than like her.

“I know you, Wes—if you like her, youreallylike her. You’re not a casual guy. You must connect deeply with her.”

I scrub a hand over my beard, thinking of the Steely Dan records, the hike over the rocks, the long talks about what we’ve been through. I haven’t connected with someone like that in a very long time. In fact, I doubted I ever would again. It’s not only sexual, although the chemistry is definitely there; it’s theenjoyment I get from her company, the sense that she could be more than simply my lover. She could be my best friend.

I rake my hand through my hair, misery twisting through me. I lose the love of my life, then I meet someone who could be just as great, and I can’t have her. This is fucked.

Pauline studies me over her wineglass, compassion swimming in her eyes. “If you like her this much, you need to go for it. You’ve been through hell, Wes. You deserve something good.”

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