Page 99 of I Saw Her First

He lost his mom when he was nineteen.

And then he lost me too. It might have been his choice, but it couldn’t have been easy to go through that without me. Without someone who understood.

But… why did he push me away? If he was so lost, why not lean on me instead?

The answer hits me with such blinding clarity that I wonder how I didn’t see it earlier.

Because if he could focus on being mad at me, he wouldn’t have to grieve the death of his mom. I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see it—that forgiving me meant having to face what happened. And then he did forgive me—he tried—but right when he started to do that, I all too easily gave him another reason to push me away. I sent him back to the start.

I drop my head into my hands. This whole time I’ve blamed Jess for putting distance between us, when I haven’t been the father he needed. I haven’t been there for him.

As if reading my thoughts, Rex speaks quietly.

“I tried to support him. I don’t know much about… you know… losing someone, but I tried to help, and when he came back from Greenport, he… It felt like it was getting worse. I was really glad when he agreed to see someone.”

I glance up in shock. “Seesomeone?”

Rex nods. “She’s good, I swear. My shrink recommended her.”

“Your…” I think my head might explode. “I’m sorry—both you and Jess are seeing a therapist?”

“Well, nottogether,” Rex says with an awkward laugh. “But I think it’s helping him.”

I blink, processing this. Jess had certainly seemed more calm when he was home last week. A little less angry.

Until I fucked it all up.

“Is he still seeing her?” I ask, and Rex nods.

I blow out a long, weary breath. If Jess is ever going to need a shrink, it will be now. Now that the father he finally decided to forgive betrayed him.

“Argh.” I drag my hands over my face. “Did he tell you…” I trail off, letting my words hang in the air, hoping Rex knows what I’m referring to. His grimace tells me all I need to know.

“Not in detail. I called to ask him for a favor while I was out of town, and mentioned seeing you guys”—another grimace—“then I heard him tearing through the house, a shitload of banging, and he said… uh, just that he’d discovered something, and that you and Daisy…” Now it’s Rex’s turn to trail off, the tips of his ears turning crimson. “Next thing he’d texted to tell me he’d moved out.”

“Yeah,” I mumble. I probably shouldn’t be talking to my son’s best friend about this, but he’s the only line I have left to Jess. “You need to know… we didn’t…” Shit, I have no idea how to phrase this. All I can think of is what I want to say to Jess, and hope he’ll pass it on. “It wasn’t something we planned, and I didn’t know Jess truly liked her. Did he tell you what he did at the beach house?”

Rex winces and nods.

“So I figured… and he’d made it clear that he had no plans to ever speak to me again, no matter what I did.” I rake a hand through my hair. “It’s been so hard since Lydia—Jess’s mom…” God, I’m rambling. “Daisy and I, it’s not just casual. I’m… I’m in love with her.” I haven’t said that out loud yet, but hearing the words from my mouth reinforces them in my heart.

I’m in love with her.

And she’s not here.

Rex softens. “Have you told Jess?”

“I tried. He didn’t want to hear it, and I don’t blame him, honestly.”

“But you and Daisy…” Rex hesitates, as if wondering how much he can say to me, then seems to decidefuck it. “You want a future with her? It’s real?”

“It’s real. It’s very real. I want to build a life with her.”

A melancholy smile passes over Rex’s mouth. “I’m sure if Jess could understand that, he’d want you to be happy.”

I lift a shoulder, because I’m not so sure myself.

“Has she moved into your place?”

---