Page 86 of Mending Hearts

“But I don’tfeellike I am.” My voice was thick with tears, my throat burning from holding back the sobs. I wanted to stay with him, stitch together the pattern of our lives.

Victoria deserved a mother who wanted to be a mom, who knew how to be a parent. If only I hadn’t spent nine months wishing for a different outcome, maybe I’d have some of these answers, or I’d at least have considered the questions. Figuring out what I wanted was too much, and I was out of time.

It turned out, sticking my head in the sand wasn’t the answer at all to motherhood or to what had happened with Kenny.

“I wish I could say it enough times that you’d believe me, that I could make you believe me,” he said.

“I wish it was that simple too.”

He let go of my hand and went to my bag, rifling through it. At last, he pulled out a lollipop, ripped off the wrapper, and stared at it for a moment. “Some days, this is a poor substitute for a cigarette.”

“Don’t start smoking again.” Through my tears, I smiled. “It’s gross. I love the way you smell—like candy.”

“I hate her for what she’s done to you, the way she’s manipulated you.” He twirled the lollipop, not putting it into his mouth. “You’re incredible, and the only time she lets you feel that way is when you’re dancing to the tune she plays.”

Maybe that was true. For the last few years, the one person I trusted and had turned to in a crisis had been my mother. “My relationship with her is all I’ve known.” I drew my hair around to rest on my shoulder. “I don’t think I’ll be a good mom.”

“You’re not like her.” He squeezed my hand.

I might not be like her, but I’d been raised by her. When I was cornered, I bit back like Laura, willing to say or do whatever I needed to get out of a jam, to come out on top. There was too much of my mom in me to be sure I wouldn’t eventually slip into my mother’s shoes. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t imagine changing my mindset was as easy as Tyler made it seem.Just don’t be like her.Simple. Impossible. Half the time when I was acting like Laura, I couldn’t see it until afterward.

Even if I was sure I wanted to be a mother, sure I could overcome my upbringing to do better for Victoria, there was still Kenny’s trial looming. I didn’t want to drag Tyler and Victoria into this version of the spotlight. The press coverage would be dirty and ugly and filled with my most shameful moments.

“There’s no version of you I don’t love.” He peered down, his cognac eyes intense. “I’ve seen every side of you in the last few months. I loveall of them. I don’t know if I’m being fair saying these things to you. You’ve been very clear from the start about where we were headed.” He searched my expression. “But I’ve seen what regret looks like—desperate and ugly. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want it for me. So, I’m putting everything out there. Whatever is happening with you, I want to be part of it. I don’t care how messy the situation is. I don’t care how hard our life is.”

When I met his sincere gaze, my resolve faltered. He’d stand beside me. Hell, he’d probably carry me on his back like an albatross for the rest of our lives if I asked. There was no question Tyler was the kind of man any woman would want in her life. Without Victoria, I’d stay with him, let the madness consume us. I loved our daughter too much to risk everyone’s happiness and well-being.

“Can I think about it?” Tears were pooling in my eyes, slipping down my cheeks. There’d be no more thinking. I’d made my decision.

His shoulders sagged, and he nodded. “Yeah, of course.”

“But when we’re released, I want to go home with you. If that’s okay?”One last time.

He’d been focused on the baby, and at the tremble in my voice, he smoothed down my hair. “You’ll always have a home with me and Victoria. You’ll always be welcome. You never have to ask.” His voice cracked, and he bent to pick up the baby.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Tyler

We’d been dancing around each other since we got back to my house for our final night together. I’d slept at the hospital with her and Victoria the last two nights, trying to get a handle on some sort of routine, knowing that soon Mia wouldn’t be part of it.

At the house, nothing felt quite right. The baby’s room had made Mia cry. In trying to be gender neutral, I’d decorated in soft gray and yellow tones. Seeing her joyful surprise was a moment I would have treasured if Laura hadn’t come up behind us and loudly declared it “too bland” for a little girl.

Then, Laura insisted on staying in the basement rather than the hotel she’d been at the last few days. Her stubbornness almost led to an all-out war between us with Mia as an exhausted Switzerland. Everything Mia had ever done somehow became Laura’s successes and failures. Any chance she had to wind up her daughter, she took it.

I wanted to protect Mia from Laura’s toxic influence, but I didn’t know how and wouldn’t have a chance once the morning came and she vanished from my life.

Night had fallen even though I wished time would slow down, let me savor these last few hours. Away from here, Laura would sink her claws deeper into Mia, convince her that life in the spotlight, life on the road,untethered to other human connections was the best thing for her. If you never loved anyone, you never got hurt by anyone either.

Victoria was in the bassinet next to the bed. Everything we needed to make bottles and change diapers was set up in the bedroom and en suite. Pasha was sleeping on the couch, so he’d be aware of any intruders, and we had two other bodyguards at the doors, just in case. In the hallway, Pasha had told Mia that Laura was the only intruder he needed to worry about. Never had a truer sentence been spoken.

Beside me, Mia eased into bed and hauled the covers up to her shoulders. We’d never slept in this room together before we’d moved to the train station. The basement had been our domain. When I’d been planning for the baby, I’d figured having everything on the main floor would be easier. Right now, I was regretting it. A heaviness rested between us. The feeling was compounded by the strangeness of the room, the newness of the baby, the realization that everything we’d been to each other up to this point was shifting, had already shifted, was, perhaps, drifting away.

There was a very strong chance Mia would never come back. We’d been so busy since leaving the hospital that I hadn’t had a chance to dwell on that nugget of truth. Now, in the darkness of the room with her even breathing beside me, it was all I could think about.

In the morning, she would leave. Tomorrow night when I turned my head, there’d be an empty spot, in this bed, in my life, in my heart. I knew what was coming—the emptiness, the misery. Last time I’d had my family and a whole lot of alcohol to pull me from the depths. This time, I couldn’t let myself fall apart. Victoria needed me. My sisters needed me. My mother needed me. Maybe later, miles from here, Mia might need me too, so I had to keep myself together, even if my heart was intatters.

“Having a baby is weird,” Mia said. “I got more instructions with the last lipstick I bought. They just, like, let us leave. What if we were terrible people? What if we didn’t have enough money to look after the baby? What if we didn’t have a house?”

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