Page 87 of Mending Hearts

I rolled onto my side and propped my head in my hand. “We were there for two days. David and Katie have known you for months now, and they’ve known me for years.”

“That just means they know I’m a hot mess. That’s what that means. They know I’m not fit to be a mother, and they let me leave with her anyway.”

Mia’s insecurity was my least favorite side. I loved every aspect of her, but this one made my heart ache. When she showed this part of herself, I understood these moments needed the most love, the most understanding, the biggest piece of my heart. My father had often scoffed at those who said self-love had to come first, as though it was a magic cure-all for finding any other kind of love. He’d told me, more than once, that people who didn’t love themselves were as deserving of love as anyone else. In fact, they might even need it more.

“You’ve been incredible so far. We’re figuring it out together. Babies don’t come with a standard instruction manual because they’re all different. What works for one kid might not work for another one. It’s okay to mess up or not be sure. That’s why we have the internet.”

“You got your PhD in Parenting from Google University?” She laughed, and her finger trailed along the side of my face to my jaw.

“No one can ever accuse me of being a slacker.”

Her expression softened, and she stared at me for a long time, impossible to read. “Do you think I’m a bad person?”

“No. Never.” I took in the agony on her face. “Doyouthink you are?”

“I knew about Kenny Connors. He did it to me. I knew. And I didn’t stop him. Didn’t make him stop. All those other girls…” A tear slipped down her cheek. “How can people forgive me for that?”

A million responses ran through my head. Picking one that was clear and concise felt impossible. “Mia,” I said in an even voice, “I don’t want to ask, but I want to make sure I understand.” I searched her face. “Did he rape you?”

“Yes,” she whispered. “I think so. I didn’t…when I was fifteen, I didn’t know what to call it.” Her bottom lip trembled. “I froze. When he trapped me against the desk, I froze.”

“That’s not your fault. Freezing out of fear isn’t consent. You were fifteen. He would have been what? Old enough to know better, old enough to understand what he was doing was wrong.”

“Sure, but…months ago…” She closed her eyes and pressed the heels of her hands into them.

“What happened months ago?” With a gentle tug on her wrists, I stared down at her.

“I knew there were others, that I wasn’t the only one.” She swallowed. “Nothing. I did nothing. All this fame, all this power, and I did nothing. I…I saved my own ass, that’s it.”

The right words were impossible to find. “You think people are going to criticize you for not coming forward sooner?”

“Of course. Yes. Haven’t you ever read an article or watched the news? How often is the woman criticized?What were you wearing? What’d you have to drink? Why didn’t you say no? Why didn’t you report it? Why didn’t you help all those other defenseless girls who didn’t have your power and influence?” Her voice cracked at the end. “Why didn’t I help them?”

“You can’t go back, Mia.” I hated how torn up she seemed, so conflicted over something that wasn’t her fault. “He made a choice, and—”

“So did I,” Mia cried.

“I don’t have all the answers.” I brushed my lips against her forehead and wiped her tears with my thumbs. “But I know you were young, so young,tooyoung. You were scared, maybe you’re still scared.”

“Back then, I didn’t know what to do.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to testify. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure he can’t hurt another girl again.” Her hand strayed to the bassinet. “Slay the monsters.”

I wrapped my arm around her middle and tugged her closer to my side. “Sometimes, for whatever reason, we’re not ready. If we’re lucky, we get a second chance.”

“When I show up at the deposition looking like this, the tabloids will come for you. They’ll come for her.” Tears pooled in her eyes again. “I still look pregnant, and the internet tells me that’s not going to change for a while.”

“I’ll protect you. I’ll protect our daughter.” I kept my voice soft, soothing. “You don’t need to worry about who comes looking.”

“I don’t want you to suffer for the choices I’ve made.”

“While you’re out slaying monsters, I’ll gladly hold your shield.”

Minutes passed between us, and Mia didn’t say anything, her fingers gliding along the strands of my hair. Her thoughtful habit was one I’d miss. So many things I’d miss. Dwelling on them now wouldn’t make them easier to bear tomorrow.

“I love you, Tyler. You know that, right? I’m not leaving because I don’t love you.”

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