Page 146 of Corrupt Me

I know. That’s why I’ve been incapable of seeing him—because I broke my promise. That sacred promise, sacrificed just to ensure our survival. But the cost is too high, and I wonder if we will overcome this strain.

Everything he said doesn’t make it less true. It’s his version of the story, and while we’re both in the right, I’m the one who made the decision, disregarding his feelings.

I have longed for his love for so long, and in the end, I single-handedly broke us.

I hate Felix with all of me. Because as I look at the man I love through blurry eyes, I am terrified that I’ve already lost him.

I cry quietly. “I’m sorry,” I whisper, but my apology only seems to make it worse because he scoffs and drops on his ass, rocking slightly. With his elbows resting on his knees and his face in his palms, he looks so damn lost.

“You’re sorry,” he mumbles.

Our conversation reminds me of our beginnings when we had that push-pull thing going on, always ending in a stalemate.

“What can I do?” I ask, leaving it to him. I’d spend my whole life looking over my shoulder if he can’t deal with this engagement. I don’t know if I can bear our separation, either. Nothing has hurt me more than that. Remember why you’re doing it. But it’s secondary. His pain is my pain, and it’s slaughtering my insides.

“You’d do anything for me?”

I approach him on unsteady feet, but my conviction strengthens me. “I would.”

Tipping his chin up, a heart-wrenching sigh escapes his mouth. “Strange way of showing me that.”

I know he’s hurt, but he’s being unfair. I don’t know what to do. How to make it all better.

“Do you want me to be your dirty little secret, Bailey? I have experience with that.”

My heart plummets in my belly, and I doubt I can lift it back to its rightful place.

A scream pierces the room, and I realize it’s coming from me; a butchered sound and sobs follow. I can’t believe he said that. My nails bite into my palms, breaking the skin, hoping for pain to ground me. The physical discomfort is nothing compared to being thrust into this dark place where demons mock me while guilt boils my flesh until I remain a pile of bones.

In an instant, he’s up, gripping my hands and stopping me from injuring myself. Pulling out his handkerchief, he dabs at my bloody palms before kissing each gently.

“Fuck. I am sorry, love. I shouldn’t have said that. I love you so fucking much. I hurt like hell, but that doesn’t give me a reason to act and say the shit I just did.”

My love has reminded him of the most awful experience of his life. I think my heart won’t recover from being responsible for that.

I am dirty. My love is dirty. I’m unworthy of love. Never learned how to. I’m failing the only person I’ve ever wanted to love.

He palms my cheeks, lifting my face up so I can look at him. “Stop thinking whatever you’re thinking. Please.”

“I can’t…”

“Maybe it’s better I stay away. You’re a bigger and better person than I could even dream of being. I bloody knew why I stayed away, because I’d hurt you, eventually. I could never deserve you. Fuck, you’re doing this for all of us, and here I am making it worse.”

Do that. Let me die in peace. Who cares about freedom when I’ve lost the only thing I was looking forward to?

He kisses my forehead tenderly, his lips lingering there for a moment longer.Please, don’t let it be goodbye.He might as well thrust his hand in my chest and rip that organ out that beats only for him. Without him, I don’t want it any longer. He can have it as a reminder of my love for him.

He takes a step back, but I only cry inwardly this time. He can’t hear those sounds ripping me to shreds. My eyes catch the ring. It’s not his, even though I wished it were. He had to see me being kissed by someone else. I would be even worse in his place. Maybe it’s because of how I came to the world, a product of an affair. My existence was soiled long before I was fully formed.

If I could turn back time, I would have stayed away or tried to, but would I have succeeded?

Don’t go. Please don’t leave me. I am begging him with my eyes while I keep my arms to myself. Every step that takes him further away from me pierces a dagger deeper into my chest. I drop to my knees, the pool of black drowning me.

“Please Bailey…”

What he doesn’t say rings louder than words.Pull yourself together so he can do the same.

I wonder if soul mates truly exist, because right now it’s like we share this common thread that binds us. All I wanted to do was bathe him in my love, heal every wound, and build something I never had—a family, a home, a life with him.

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