Page 59 of Choosing Skyler

The next thing I know, I’m lifted up into Brady’s arms. He sits on the sofa and cradles me in his arms. Devon sits on one side, Tracey sits on the other, and they all wrap me in a group hug.

“Shh, you’re not alone. We’ve got you,” Brady consoles me.

“Breathe, Sweets. You’re okay. We’ve got you,” Devon says softly.

“We love you, Sissy. We’ve got you,” Tracey cries.

They all hug me tightly, and the pressure settles the storm in my chest and in my head. I can’t tell them thank you. I can’t hug them back. But they all know that I’m here and Iwantto. I lean into Brady and his arms tighten around me.

“Right here, Beautiful. Breathe with me.Staywith me.Please,” he chokes out.

I settle down at the heartache in his voice. I breathe and relax. We’re all still huddled on the sofa when Julie knocks and comes in.

“Is everything okay?” she asks with a little panic in her own voice.

Devon answers her. “Just a little panic attack. Good thing you’re here with medicine. I think it’s helping.”

“Skyler, do you want to use the bathroom, first?” Julie asks me.

I lean into Brady.

“Let’s get you to the bathroom,” he says, standing and carrying me into the bathroom.

He sets me on the toilet and reaches under my gown to pull my underwear down. Julie comes in and places a hand on my shoulder. Brady leaves for me to pee without him watching. I know we’ve done this several times, but I haven’t been this “awake” for it before.

When I’m finished, Brady comes back in to carry me to bed. I expect him to lay me on the bed, but instead he climbs up and cradles me in his lap. Julie changes the IV fluids and gives me a shot before connecting the new bag. I feel a calmness erase all the tightness that I didn’t realize was still there in my chest. I slump against Brady and close my eyes. I don’t sleep and I don’t drift. I just enjoy the calmness. My mind clears and I reach for Brady’s hand. He laces our fingers together and squeezes.

“Right here, Beautiful. I’ve got you,” he whispers, and I feel his breath on my ear.

I feel warmth spread across my cheeks.This feels so good. Warm. Safe. Protected. Chosen. Seen. Wanted. Loved.

Brady chuckles in my ear, “I missed that blush.”

I grip his hand and feel another thread of the tether get stronger.

“It’s okay, Beautiful. You can sleep. I won’t let you go. I promise. I’ll hold you right here. And I’ll be right here to pull you back when you wake up,” he tells me.

I don’t think I’m lost anymore. Brady will find me if I drift again. He’ll help me find my way back.

Brady

I never thought I’d be relieved to see someone have a panic attack. Skyler has been completely gone the past three days. No visible emotion whatsoever. The doctors assured us that the anxiety was definitely there. It was just hidden by the catatonia. Today was entirely different. She was trying so hard to reach for us. She was in a fight in her own mind with her own body and none of us could help her. When she started crying and gasping for breath, we surrounded her with affection and love and words of encouragement. She’s trying to get back to us and we’ll be right here to pull her out when she breaks through.

The last three days at six when they gave her the anti-anxiety medication, she relaxed against me. She even nuzzled my chest, and I soaked it up because it was all the affection or movements she showed. She’d wake a couple of hours later and it would benothingagain until the next day. When Julie gave her the medication today, she didn’t just relax against me. She smiled. A real, full smile. She reached out for my hand. Not just a twitch. She moved her whole arm to reach out for me. When I called her “Beautiful”, she blushed.I just hope she doesn’t wake up lost in a couple of hours.

“Stop!” Devon says from the sofa where he’s still sitting with Tracey.

I look up and see that he’s talking to me.

“She’s fighting to get to us. Don’t let that doubt even take up space in your head right now,” he tells me firmly.

I nod. “You’re right. She even pulledmeback from a panic attack of my own in the terrarium earlier,” I tell him, a little ashamed that I let my head get away from me when I was the only one with her.

He and Tracey both sit up straight at that. So, I explain, “She was responding to everything with that jerky nod or hand or foot. She didn’t respond one time and I thought she was slipping away again. I got a little anxious and she squeezed my hand—likereallysqueezed it. That’s all it took,” I tell them, remembering how relieved I’d felt.

“Damn. Well, she’s clearly here now. We just have tokeepher here. I’m going to have a talk with Dr. Henley and Dr. Anderson in the morning about what kind of therapy options there might be to help her now that she’s… conscious? Is that the right word?” he says, looking at Tracey.

I shrug. “It’s as good a word as any. I guess.”

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