Page 63 of Master Cole

You asked about my phoenix tattoo. At the end of my first semester I was unhappy, and Alicia was trying to cheer me up. Several of us went into town. None of us were of drinking age, but we knew a place we could get a few drinks.

Cole stopped reading, his heart pounding. Had some jackass hurt Janie? Why hadn’t she told him? Gritting his teeth, he forced himself to keep reading.

Nothing happened to me, I want you to know that. One of the other girls got drunk and none of us realized that she’d gone off with some guy until we were getting ready to leave and the bartender told us where he saw her go. Luckily none of us were drunk, just pleasantly buzzed. Let me tell you, we sobered up fast.

Three men had our friend pinned down on a pool table while the fourth raped her. The four of us girls screamed and went nuclear on their asses.

Cole swore, he could see Alicia and Janie doing just that.

Our screams brought the bartender running. By then the guys were all backed into a corner, and Alicia and I were helping our friend off the table. The bartender wanted to call the police, but she refused. We helped her dress and took her back to the dorm. I did find out later that the bartender and other patrons of the bar took care of the guys in their own way. No, they didn’t kill them, but from what I understand, they would never assault another woman again.

Good for them. Men like those guys should be locked up or castrated or both.

So our friend, while shaken, claimed she was okay, but we knew she wasn’t. Alicia and I sat with her and talked. Three days after the assault, she finally opened up about what had happened. Yes, she was a little drunk, but the guys had promised to give her her fantasy, which was having sex with four guys at once. But now she felt dirty and ashamed. You see, she had fantasies about BDSM and being taken by more than one guy at a time. Alicia was already taking psychology classes and told her it was natural and not to stress over it. But she couldn’t stop thinking there was something wrong with her.

Cole stopped reading and sat for a moment. He could see how a young woman might feel that way after how she was treated.

The semester started, and she seemed fine. I was curious about BDSM and so was Alicia, so we started to research more about it from a psychological standpoint. Right before the end of the semester our friend didn’t show up for class one morning. And no one had seen her. So after our classes were done, Alicia and I headed for her dorm room, thinking maybe she was sick.

He closed his eyes, afraid of where this was going.

You’ve probably guessed by now. Yes, she’d killed herself. Alicia and I found a letter waiting in our room for us. She’d written it and slipped it under our door. She told us she couldn’t have had two better friends, but there was something wrong with her to have these feelings, these needs, and she would be better off dead.

After all the research Alicia and I did, we knew what she was feeling was okay, but society frowned upon it—let alone there were assholes out there who would take advantage of a woman who enjoyed BDSM.

I came home that summer, and you were with Natalie. I didn’t mind, I’d hoped she and I could be friends, but she shot down that idea quickly. Cole, my dad was never shy about sex or talking to me about it. He didn’t share he was in the BDSM lifestyle, but I was aware he needed something different.

All this time and he’d never known she was aware of her father’s activities. But what about his and his father’s?

I suspected you might also be into the lifestyle by the way Natalie acted at times. So I snooped—yeah, I’m not proud of it, but finding your playroom opened my eyes. At first it scared the crap out of me. I spent hours on the internet and on the phone with Alicia to figure out what I saw.

I didn’t mean to barge in on you and Natalie that day, I really thought you’d gone out. But I will tell you, you didn’t scare me that day. Instead, it empowered me. It showed me there were responsible men in this world, but women needed to know their sexual needs were okay.

I went back to college and changed my major. And now you know why I got those degrees. The day by the pool you asked about my tattoos. I got the phoenix tat six months before graduation as a testament to passion, creativity, and healing. It reminded me of how I wanted to live my life.

A grin came over his lips. Yes, her tat represented all of that for Janie and probably more.

Now here comes the last part I’ve been keeping from you. I’m not working at an office, I’m actually working for a women’s clinic as a counselor. I’m helping women who are in abusive relationships and teaching those who want to know more about their bodies and their options.

I went to Whips to get you to see that I wanted to explore the BDSM lifestyle with you, and it worked to a point. But you were so careful with me, so afraid of hurting me. You wanted to protect me, Cole, but instead you pushed me away. I wanted the man I saw that day with Natalie, the man who would take his submissive to heights she’d never been to before.

The night you flogged me and I started crying, it was because I’d had such a bad day at work I needed to let my emotions go and that was the only way I could do it. With someone I trusted, someone I loved.

Pain sliced through his heart. She loved him.

I think I’ve always loved you, Cole. But something is holding you back, and I can no longer stay. It really all came to a head when you took Alicia and me to Whips. I saw the beautiful power exchange between the couples there and how remote you were, like nothing touched you.

It was then I realized you would never be your true self with me. I don’t know the reasons why, and maybe someday you can tell me so I understand. But for now, I have to go out on my own and maybe in time I’ll find someone who can give me what I want and need. It won’t be for a while, because my heart still belongs to you. Be well. Be safe. You will always have my love.

Cole closed the journal and set it on the table. What an ass he’d been. And how the hell was he going to fix this?

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