Page 60 of Rake

It didn’t have to be that early, but it satisfies the petty part of my brain. Finn’s a late riser. Fucking bizarre that I know that about him already.

It means I have to be up super early the next day to get ready, and I am. I can’t face Finn without some kind of armor on. I pull on the skinny jeans and a long-sleeved off-shoulder top. It’s elasticized and clings to my curves. I’m tired of being embarrassed by my body.

Strapless bras will take some getting used to, but the neckline of this shirt dips too low for a regular one.

I walk over to the Dunks, snow crunching under my boots. My ankle is a little wonky, but so much better than a week ago. I still have to cover the bruises on my neck with makeup, but those are fading too.

I get there by 8:57 exactly, buy a coffee, and wait for Finn at a table in the corner. I shrug my coat off.

He comes in the door right on time.

My stomach does little flips when I see him, and I have to force myself to remember why we’re here. The barista does a double take as he passes by. No one that good-looking comes into this Dunkin Donuts. His long strides have him at my table in seconds.

His hair is messy, and his usual five o’clock shadow is a little thicker. I push my legs together as he asks if he can sit down.

I nod, and he pulls out the tiny chair. His legs don’t fit under the table, so he has to sit sideways.

“You look gorgeous,” he says, licking his lips. His eyes linger on my cleavage and the heat creeps up my cheeks.

I can’t get caught up in his sex appeal.

“How could you have that horrible man come after me again?” It all comes out in one long, breathless run-on sentence. “How could you let me lay in your arms like an idiot, knowing you did that?”

His eyes are sad. I wait for his expression to clear, but it doesn’t.

“I’m sorry, Sasha. I didn’t know P.J. was one of the people who hurt you. I shouldn’t have done what I did at all, and I’m not making excuses, but I promise that I never intended to subject you to the man who did that to you again. And I didn’t intend for him to hurt you so badly.”

“But you did intend to have him lie to me about why I was there.”

“Yes. I knew you wouldn’t trust me because of who my father was. I figured you’d be more willing to work with me if you thought my father and I weren’t on the same side.”

He looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn’t.

“I hate to break it to you, but you’re not on the same side.” Maybe it’s mean, but I say it anyway. “Your father hates you, Finn. You must know that.”

“I do,” he says.

I expected to feel some kind of pleasure at the revelation, but the defeat on his face just makes me feel worse.

“But how my father feels about me doesn’t matter. What matters is that I hurt an innocent woman doing his bidding. You didn’t deserve that. I’m going to regret what I did for the rest of my life. I was selfish, and arrogant, and didn’t think of how my actions would hurt you. I just told myself that we’d both get what we wanted. But I decided what you should want for you, and that was wrong too.”

We sit in silence for a minute. The absurdity of the bright pink and orange brand of the donut shop as the backdrop of this encounter isn’t lost on me. The sugary, yeasty smell of the donuts is comfortingly familiar, though.

“My grandmother used to take me and Benjamin here,” I say. “For special occasions.”

I watch him process this as a special occasion kind of place.

“We come from two very different worlds,” he says, his voice low. “I saw that in the Athenaeum. It’s not that I’m unaware of how much privilege my family has, it’s just that I’ve always felt trapped by my circumstances and finally figured a way out. And I was afraid the union would ruin that for me. I should’ve had the kind of integrity you do.”

He goes to hold my hand but pulls back. “I know it’s worse for you. But I’d like to share a story with you. Something that might help you understand my relationship with my father. I don’t expect absolution, but I owe you the explanation.”

My hands are cold. I wrap them around my coffee cup.

“I should’ve come clean to you sooner. I shouldn’t have let you find out the way you did. But I didn’t know how to. Especially after…” He pauses.

“Especially after what?” I snap. “After you fucked me?”

An older woman hears me swear and raises her eyebrows before returning to popping donut holes in her mouth.

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