Page 76 of Rake

“It was too personal. Now that the worst part is over, I knew someone else would feel comfortable taking it on. Besides, I want to go back to school and I couldn’t do that if I were mid-negotiations.”

“That’s great. Have you applied anywhere?”

“I’ll go back to Salem State. I was already two years in, and they’ll let me keep my credits.”

I’ll have to take out a bunch of loans, but I need some forward momentum.

“I want to do social work,” I continue. “Which means graduate school, but I’ll figure it out.”

“You’ll be amazing at that,” he says. He’s watching my mouth and it sends a spark through me. “I’m thinking of grad school too. Something like museum curation so I can run a place like the athenaeum. Make it more accessible.”

“That sounds perfect.” I reach out and touch his thigh. The heat of that one touch sears me, and I pull my hand back. “Sorry.”

He takes my hand and puts it back on his thigh. “Don’t be.”

He kisses me softly, caressing my cheek as he does, running his hand down my shoulder and across my back. I slide my arms around his neck, careful to avoid his injury. He kisses me until I’m breathless, then pulls away, taking my hands in his.

“I don’t deserve you, Sasha. But I care about you, a lot, and I want to be with you. I like who I am when I’m with you, and I haven’t liked myself for a very, very long time.”

My heart pounds. This can’t be real.

“But I’m…” I look around my shoddy bedroom. “Finn, you could get any woman you want.”

“I want you. I’d give up everything I have and live in a shack on the Mystic if it means I could be with you.”

I reach up and stroke his hair, down the stubble on his chin. Sometimes he has a beard, sometimes he doesn’t, but he looks amazing either way.

“No,” I say. “Not by the Mystic. Not until your father cleans it.” I lean forward and kiss him. “But I want to be with you, too.”

He lights up, and his happiness is intoxicating.

“I told you I own that place in Charlestown, right?”

I nod. It was how he figured out how to get the deeds to his father’s other properties.

“My second-floor tenant is moving out. I was wondering if you and Benjamin want to move in, rent-free of course. You’d have to leave his address here until he’s done with school, but it may be less stressful for him to finish in a different environment.” He senses my hesitation. “My family disrupted your lives in such a big way, Sasha. Please let me make it up to you.”

“But my father,” I whisper.

“He’s an adult. He can get a job. He won’t change if you keep making it easy for him not to.”

He’s right.

And I want to do something for myself for once.

I throw my arms around Finn. He grunts in pain and shifts me to his good side.

“Don’t tell your father until we have everything you want out of the house,” he says, kissing my hair.

It’s good advice, and Benjamin and I move our treasures out slowly, so he doesn’t notice. There isn’t a lot, but I don’t want him to have the things my mother and Grandma Goldie left for me. When we’ve moved everything of value out, Benjamin and I are both ready to say goodbye.

I thought I’d be relieved, but I’m surprised at how sad I am, bereft, almost, for the way our lives could’ve been if he’d been a better man. And I know this will have consequences for him. He’s had women taking care of him his whole life, and I don’t know if he’ll change anything once I go.

And if he doesn’t, he probably won’t be around a very long time. He’s not my responsibility, but it feels bad doing this anyway. I wish I didn’t have to. But I do. I don’t want to end up alone with nothing but resentment.

“We’re leaving,” I tell Dad. “Benjamin and I are leaving. We’ve taken care of you long enough. It’s time for you to stand on your own two feet.”

My voice shakes. I hate that it shakes but I still said the thing I needed to say.

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