Page 57 of Grift

“Dominating. Being dominated. Trying different things. Implements. Toys. Basically, I just wanted to see what would feel good.” He’s not looking at me, which is very un-Patrick-like.

“Did you like any of them in particular?”

“All of them, and none of them. It was like, trying one thing and then looking for something that was more extreme. Something in a moment of connection that would just make me feel, well, anything.”

There it is again.

“Do you not experience any feelings?” My chest aches at the idea.

“Until recently, the only feeling I really recognized anymore was anger.”

Until recently. I ignore the way butterfly wings beat in my chest and the way my cheeks flame. I’d experienced a host of things that I’d never thought were possible, until recently.

It is good to know that however fleeting this might be, it’s touching him too.

I don’t ask him to elaborate. I can see by how aggressively he’s avoiding eye contact that this is costing him. It’s costing me too.

We’re headed back to the car when I hear myself saying, “If there’s something you wanted to do, something you enjoyed. You just have to ask.”

He freezes mid-step and then picks up, like the glitch didn’t happen.

“Thank you.” He glances at me quickly, starting up the car.

He reaches out and puts a hand on my leg, and then slides the car back into traffic.

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