Page 39 of Grift

I’ve spent the last decade feeling mostly trapped. Initially, this situation had seemed like it was just a continuation of that time. Patrick and I have been thrown together by the whims of greedy men.

Had we both made mistakes? It seems like it.

My mother says my brother is still in the hospital. But selfishly, I’m glad that Patrick’s not sitting in a jail cell.

In a complicated way, we’re both trapped in this situation.

And Patrick has shown me hints of the man beneath the tough exterior. Impulsive, but with the capacity for self-control. Passionate, but with the ability to be giving. Straightforward, but more insightful than people give him credit for.

Frustration bubbles up again at the memory of today, but something else even more powerful: desire. Irritating? Yes. Delicious? Yes. Somehow, he is reading what I want, what I need, and finding a way to deliver that. The way that he’s constantly asking for my permission is giving me an agency that I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s making it okay to lean into some of the desires I’m feeling.

But it’s complicating things too. For me, and probably for him.

I need to let go of the past and any illusions. We are where we are right now, and there’s clearly something taking shape between us.

My heart won’t let me lie to myself. This isn’t love or anything like that. But it might be enough common ground that we can work together, find a way through this, and maybe gain a valuable ally in the process.

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