Page 75 of Grift

And in reality, I’m alone in a cold bathroom staring at an empty shower wondering how everything had gone so wrong.

I need to tell someone. I need to tell Patrick. But first, I need to get my thoughts in order.

My phone vibrates again on the floor next to me. Tilting the screen, I see Siobhan’s name. She’s been texting every day to see how I’m doing. We’re not close, but she’s kind and keeps following up despite my silence. I need to talk to someone – someone who understands.

I text her back, and an hour later I’m showered, dressed warmly, and have forced myself to eat dry toast and drink water. When the rideshare pulls up in front of Siobhan’s place, I go wordlessly inside, but the tears have started again.

“I’m so sorry about your brother,” she’s saying, sliding hot tea in front of me. My eyes move to her face and I realize that she doesn’t know.

Of course she doesn’t. Patrick keeps his word and protects my privacy.

“That’s actually not why I’m here,” I find myself saying, my voice thin. “I moved back to my place in Cambridge.”

She nods. “I don’t fully understand what happened to get you two together. But I’d thought – I’d thought that you were really making of a go of it.”

There’s such kindness in her smile that I start to shake.

I think about confronting what was on those tapes. About how empowered I’d felt with Patrick, and how for the first time, in his arms and in his bed, I’d felt real agency, in a life that had given me so little of it. About the slight hope blooming amidst the fear in my stomach.

Patrick keeps talking about the light and the darkness. But the light isn’t just innocence. It’s the truth. It’s the ability to step into it, to hold your head up, and create the space to build what you want, even when it’s not easy.

Do I believe that for myself and for Patrick? I’d like to. But for our child? I’ll move heaven and earth so that any child of mine knows love and family and the right to choose the life they want. That starts with me.

“When I was in college, I was drugged and raped,” I find myself saying, in a slightly trembling voice. The color drains fully from Siobhan’s face. “Your father got a copy of the tape and used it to blackmail my father. My brother – the one that died – was apparently running a scam on the casino and Patrick nearly killed him in a fight.”

I leave out the fact that he killed him now. Who is that going to help?

“They brokered a deal that Patrick and I would get married. Get me out of my father’s way and minimize the risk to your father that he’d lose important political support down the line,” I keep talking, as though any of this is normal. Her brow is furrowed and her eyes wide, but she looks furious in a way that tells me she’s seen some of the darkness herself.

“My god, I had no idea. Jessica, I’m so sorry.” Her hand is quivering so hard the teacup rattles when she puts it in the saucer. Maybe coming here was a mistake. She’s obviously more out of the loop than I expect.

But then she speaks. “I grew up one way, my brothers grew up another. Unfortunately in the last year or two, I’ve learned a lot of the hidden life of the Carneys. Especially what my father is capable of. When I started dating Kieran, well, let’s just say it wasn’t good.”

I nod. Patrick told me he’d come to blows more than once with Kieran.

“Honestly, Patrick and I aren’t all that close,” she says, her lips turning up slightly. “But I’ve never seen him with anyone like he is with you.”

I close my eyes, tears burning. “He found out where the tapes came from and had them destroyed. And then said that we were free. Or at least, that I am free.”

On a sob the rest comes pouring out. “But we’re not free. Siobhan, I’m – pregnant. And even if I wasn’t, I don’t want to be free from Patrick.”

As soon as the words are out, I realize how true they are. Patrick said that I was free, free to choose the life that I wanted. The life that I want is right here, with him and with this baby if he wants to raise him or her together. My family relationships are gone; his are perpetually toxic. But maybe there, finally, we could build something new together.

Someone for Patrick to trust. Someone for me to love. A new family that’s strong, healthy, and untarnished by the bad things we’d fought to break free of.

When I open my eyes, Siobhan gives me a bright smile. “If I’ve learned one thing during my time being with Kieran, it’s that it’s worth it even if it’s hard. Maybe especially if it’s hard, because when you have to fight to find something – or fight to keep it alive – you don’t take anything for granted. If that’s how you feel, Jessica, I think you should tell him.”

My phone vibrates, and I look at the screen. It’s Patrick, asking me to meet him at the Casino to talk. It’s late. But we need to talk.

And there’s no better time than now. I text that I’m on my way, hug Siobhan in thanks, and head out into the night to greet whatever future awaits.

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