Page 40 of Shadows and Roses

Her hands shook. Faint tremors ran through her whole body. At least she knew her truth. But was it real? If she could kill a child convincingly, how could he know what was the act and what was her true self?

"Was it worth it?" His tone dripped with disgust.

She flinched. "I don’t know. Not yet." A sigh and her face cleared again. "But I will not execute another child, no matter the reason. They are here to learn as I learned, as my mother taught me. They will be lords and ladies one day and teach their children the same. I do not wish to rule a court of monsters all my life."

"How… ambitious." And difficult to believe.

"Yes. The proof is in these halls, where only my Inner Circle is allowed, and in small pockets of like-minded nobles across our land. You will see. Because you are like us." Her gentle smile and warm eyes returned.

"I’m hardly one of you." He wasn’t a monster. Even if this was not a lair of horrors, he wasn’t a courtier, kind or otherwise.

She opened her palm as if to say,Just so. "I made you an Escort because you are nothing like them. You didn’t break, and you didn’t join the nobles’ games."

It was true that the court had been pushing him more and more, and he’d been tempted to lash out. Some of the other courtesans were willing to play the games, though it was often a brittle and sharp edge they walked—a lady may hand over a whip one moment then slice the hand that dared to hold a whip the next. Servants sometimes cried in hidden corners, not beaten or injured but simply overwhelmed. Any caught were whipped for laziness, anyone else caught comforting them waswhipped for not reporting the laziness. The first week, he’d almost been whipped despite his relative immunity.

"But why bring me to the palace at all?" He frowned.

She smiled wryly. "Ah, well. Gossip. The court does love their gossip, and your Houses are a sweet subject. They adore you." She looked over him methodically, without any heat in her gaze. "You stood out. A dangerous thing for a commoner, even one from the Night Courts."

So his arrogance had brought him here. A year shy of his freedom and he’d grown comfortable, overconfident, perhaps even happy. Clients had been his to pick and choose from, his price so exorbitantly high that only the wealthiest made the request, yet still his waiting list was always pages long. And no one left who didn’t beg to return. Easy to fall into the illusion that he was in control. Easy to forget that he was just a whore.

He had a thousand questions, but he doubted answers in words were enough. Still.

"Why not just change things? With a single decree, you could ban all of the depravity in a day."

She laughed bitterly. "I asked my mother that when I was a child. Why don't we just do what we say we want to do?" Her lips twisted. "The courtiers would revolt, united for once in their pathetic lives. They'd cut me down and our nation would fall as they fought for my crown. If I am soft and kind and weak, I am not strong enough to hold them."

That scathing self-recrimination shocked him into believing her.

She took a deep breath and shook her head, smiling at him with curiosity and warmth.

"Will you tell me of yourself? Your House provided a thorough report on your life, from the day they adopted you. So I know you were a serious but kindchild, like to be in control, and you have a low pain tolerance. But what are your dreams for when you are released from your bond?"

Heat rose in his cheeks. He'd hardly forgotten, but there had just been so much change unbalancing him. And she treated it like a curious game she'd yet to understand.

"The bond you purchased," he snapped. "I did have plans, but what do they matter now? I belong to you for five years, don’t I? My Queen." His anger made him wonder how he could have thought, even for a moment, to trust a woman who had so little regard for life.

Warmth and curiosity vanished from her face. "You should be thankful."

"For what? For taking five years from my life?"

"My Escorts are untouchable, safe from the court."

"That was the bargain then? Keep me intact until the Night Courts can claim me again."

A pause. "Essentially."

"Thank you," he said with exaggerated emphasis, "for taking only five years of my life, instead of all of them."

She sat too still, the ice in her eyes thick and hard. He didn’t care. If she wanted him in one piece, she’d get to know every piece of him—including his anger.

Anais rose to her feet. "Enough for today. Visit the children. Take lunch in the courtyard. Do as you will, so long as you stay in this wing. Someone will find you with your new schedule."

The sound of her footsteps was drowned out by the laughter and chatter of children.

Perhaps he shouldn't be angry. He was grateful to be out of court and protected from their predilections. He didn't have anywhere to go, all his plans on hold if not erased.

But it always came back to choice. If he had been asked to be an Escort. If he had been given the offer of five years inexchange for safety. The chance to say no. From the moment he had left his House, his choices had been stripped away. He just hadn't realized it.

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