Page 39 of Love and Other Paradoxes

“So take it! Or—or come and stay with me and Rob! We have a sofa, and college never checks if we have guests—”

“Joseph Greene,” she interrupted him, a little warmth returning to her expression. “Much as I’d love to come live with you and your friend who kills people, that’s not going to work. And I can’t live with Shola either. I’d get tangled up in her life, and her housemates’ lives, and I can’t risk that. Remember, I’m trying not to leave a mark, except the one I want to make.” She shrugged. “I don’t officially exist. Better if I’m a ghost.”

But you’re not a ghost. You’re real, and you’re alive, and you’re allowed to take up space.He sensed it was something she wasn’t ready to hear. He exhaled. “Look. I’m heading home next week to stay with my family for Christmas. Far from Vera, far from your mum, far from Diana. Nothing that happens there will affect—well, anything, really.” He shrugged. “Come with me.”

“Comewith you?” Her voice cracked. “Just—come with Joseph Greene to Scotland? Stay in Joseph Greene’s house, with Joseph Greene’s family?”

“Eat Joseph Greene’s Weetabix. Pet Joseph Greene’s cat. Whose name is Jeely Piece, by the way.” He tugged at his hair. “Can we stop with the full name? It’s starting to make me feel like I’m already dead.”

“You are, remember? I killed you like five times.” She leaned against the door frame, looking at him with a strange mixture of frustration and delight. “You’re an idiot.”

“I’m sorry—”

“Thank you. For today. And for the offer. I—I’ll think about it.” She leaned forward, sudden as a bird, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

He stood back, swaying. They looked at each other. He smiled, and she laughed.

“Do you want to—” he started, then his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out. “Shit. It’s Diana.”

Chapter Fourteen

Love the new rehearsal space. Let’s give it a try.

He showed Esi. In the glow of the screen, her face held a strange despair. “Now?”

“This is the first time she’s texted me in four days. If she wants to meet now, I meet her now.” He looked to her for reassurance. “Right?”

She let out a breathless laugh. “You can’t keep asking me for help with her.”

He gazed at her in half-seeing panic. “I should meet her there. But—no. She can’t get there without me. And—shit. It’ll be dark. And not in a romantic way. In a walking-off-the-roof-to-our-deaths sort of way—”

“Oh my God. Stop. Just—text her saying you’ll meet her nearby. And wait here.” She unlocked the café and disappeared inside. He heard her rummaging about in a drawer as he composed a message asking Diana to meet him outside college. “Candles.” Esi emerged with a heap of them, dumping them awkwardly into his arms. “Put them everywhere. You can’t overdo it.”

“Okay.” He distributed the candles between his pockets and ran a hand through his hair. He hadn’t put goop in it, but it was too late now. “Is this—do I look—”

She met his eyes. “You look fucking beautiful,” she said with perfect sincerity. “Go.” She turned him around and shoved him gently in the back.

He ran. He ran down Mill Road under the thinning clouds, patches of star-studded black showing like glimpses of reality through a dream. He ran away from how he was feeling, torn up and remade, all his raw edges showing. He ran towards Diana.

She replied as he got back to college.

Be there in ten.

He pelted up the stairs to his room, grabbed a lighter that one of his smoker friends had left on the battlements, and scrambled to the secret terrace. In the dark it was otherworldly, a floating raft under an ocean of stars. He lit the candles and melted their bases, sticking them down in clusters that hopefully evoked a romantic grotto on a private island and not the Phantom of the Opera’s lair. He slid down the drainpipe, side-hopped along the ledge, leapt back onto the battlements, and crashed into the living room, where he was dismayed to find Rob sinking face down into the sofa.

Vibrating with urgency, he hovered by his friend’s head. “What’s up?”

“Darcy just won the Michaelmas Game. Confetti grenade again.” Rob rolled over, his face a picture of misery. “My nemesis is officially a Master Assassin.”

Joe felt for him, but he also felt the pressing need to get him out of the room within the next minute. “You can still win in Lent. OrMay Week.” He sat Rob up, giving him a hearty clap on the back. “Go on. Get back out there. Grab your best rubber band and—and murder the shit out of someone.”

“I can’t,” Rob explained as Joe heaved him to his feet. “I’m dead, remember? The rules clearly state that dead people can’t kill anyone, unless they join the Police... Why do I feel like you’re trying to usher me out of the room?”

“Because I am,” he admitted. “Diana’s coming over.”

“Oh. Right. Glad things are going well for one of us.” Rob headed morosely down the stairs. “Should you need me, I’ll be drowning my sorrows in the bar.”

Joe sprinted past him, ran round the edge of the court, and burst through the college gate. Waiting outside was Diana, in a military-style jacket paired with an absurdly skinny scarf.

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