Page 44 of Love and Other Paradoxes

“Hi there...” She stopped short. “What did you say its name was?”

“Jeely Piece.” He bent down to knuckle the old tabby’s head. “It means jam sandwich,” he explained.

She gave him a dead-eyed look. “You’re meant to be an entire famous poet, and you can’t even name a cat right.”

“In my defence, I was five.”

“Mmhm.” Her cheek trembled with suppressed laughter. He dropped his head with a grin.

His mum came into the kitchen and started tidying the shopping away. “Joe. Are you going to show your guest her room, or are you going to make me look like a bad mother?”

“Jesus. Fine,” he protested, and ushered Esi up the stairs to his sister’s room. “Kirsty’s staying with her girlfriend for Christmas, so it’s all yours.”

She sat down on the bed and looked around at Kirsty’s walls: pages torn from rock magazines, moody charcoal drawings of the harbour in winter. “Your sister’s cool.”

“Hence why she’s the one with the girlfriend.”

She batted his arm with forced casualness. “Just wait till New Year. Catch Diana at midnight, and the rest is history.”

He felt a lurch like a skipped heartbeat. He thought of Diana on the roof, bathed in candlelight, the glowing mirage of King’s Chapel behind her. Here, in the ordinary mess of his sister’s bedroom, it seemed like an image from another reality.

Esi was looking down at her hands. “How’s it going with her?”

“I guess—I’m starting to get to know her. Sometimes, I can imagine how it might feel to be in love with her. But I’m not there yet.”

Her voice was carefully neutral. “If you keep comparing your feelings to how you think you’re supposed to feel in the future, you’ll never get the chance to feel how you feel right now.”

“But the future’s the only thing we have in common,” he protested. “The one time we were really talking, really connecting, it was about who we’re meant to be. It felt like she was finally taking me seriously.” He sat down on the bed, exhaling. “Or maybe she was just impressed that I took her night climbing.”

“You took her what?”

“Night climbing. You know. Shinning up drainpipes to get to secret bits of the college roof. Like that picture I showed you.” She was looking at him as if he had entirely lost his mind. “Anyway, I was trying to re-create this romantic moment in the future where I take her to a private island. Clearly, that’s not an option right now, so—”

She interrupted him. “How did you know about that?”

“It was in the book.”

She stood up, eyes wide in alarm. “You shouldn’t be trying to impress her using stuff from the book. You’re not meant to know any of that yet.”

This again. He sighed. “I know you’re worried I’m going to change the future. But I’m not changing it. I’m making it happen.”

“You know I don’t believe that. And anyway, that’s not the point.” She shook her head. “It’s wrong. It’s—manipulative.”

He felt the accusation like a blow. “I’m sorry. Weren’t you the one helping me manipulate her into liking me?”

“Making you look good. Telling you how not to be a nozz. That’s one thing.” Her gaze closed him in. “Using stuff you know about her future that she doesn’t know herself? That’s something else.”

He looked up at her, arms crossed, an angel of judgment. He searched for a reason he’d done it, a good reason that would prove he was in the right, but the truth was, he didn’t have one. He had seen a way to get what he wanted, and used it. He felt a stab of shame. But it was too late to take it back. The whole shaky edifice of his and Diana’s relationship was built on the foundation of a poem he hadn’t written yet.

She said it quietly. “Are you going to tell her?”

His heart skipped a beat. Esi didn’t know about the poem. Did she? “Tell her what?”

“About the future. Are you ever going to be honest with her?”

He imagined Diana openingMeant to Be. He imagined her looking up at him, eyes bright with accusation. He shuddered. “Esi, she’d be furious. You need us to get together, right?” Reluctantly, she nodded. “Well. If that’s going to happen, I can’t tell her.”

“Guess you’re right. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.” She sighed, rubbing her face. “We should focus on getting you ready for the party. What are you planning to wear?”

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