Page 50 of Love and Other Paradoxes

He and Esi looked at each other. He wasn’t sure who started laughing first. He only knew that he couldn’t stop, that he was leaning against her and gasping, tears in his eyes, an ache lodged deep beneath his ribs. He found himself just watching her, in the soft light of the ridiculous chandelier: how her smile made her face come alive; how in this room full of brittle facades, she felt like the one real thing.

She was shaking his shoulder, her face lit with alarm. He tuned in to what she was saying. “It’s nearly midnight! You need to talk to her!”

“Shit.” He turned to look for Diana. There she was, in the midst of the crowd, flanked by a tall shadow. “I can’t.” He felt almost relieved. “She’s with Crispin.”

“So we get him out of the way.” Esi leaned into him. “Here’s the plan. We get close to them. Then I shove you.”

“Shove me?”

“Shh. Trust me. I read a scene like this once in a romance novel.” She mimed with her dessert fork. “I shove you, you crash into Crispin, his wine goes all over his fancy shirt, he has to go and get changed. Leaving you alone with Diana.”

He blinked at her. “That’s—actually a decent idea. Things are getting messy enough that it’s not going to look deliberate.”

“Right. Let’s do it.” She forged determinedly through the crowd.He followed her, thrumming with apprehension. She steered him into place, hands firm on his shoulders. “Ready?”

He stared into her eyes, unable to look away.No, he thought,no, I’m not ready, but her face was taut with dread, and he would have done anything to make it better. “Ready.”

She shoved him, surprisingly hard. He tripped, sprawled, and careened into Crispin, who whisked his glass out of the way at the last moment.

“Christ,” said Crispin, giving him a dirty look. “Steady on.”

Joe gaped at Crispin, then at Diana, not understanding how the plan could have gone wrong. In his panic, he did the only thing he could think of.Complete the plan.He grabbed Crispin’s glass and dashed the wine down his pristine white shirt.

Diana gasped. “Joseph, what on earth—”

Crispin stared down at the bloodred stain spreading across his torso. Then he looked up. For an instant, Joe was utterly certain Crispin was going to hit him. He could already feel the blow, and worse, the humiliation, like he had felt at school, that he was nothing and no one, and the universe would not step in to save him.

Instead, Crispin turned to Diana, two spots of high colour in his cheeks. “Look, Di. I don’t care if you want to slum it with provincials. Just keep them away from me.”

“Slum it?” Her laugh was glacial. “What exactly are you implying?”

“I’m not implying anything. Like I said, I don’t care. I just wish you wouldn’t embarrass yourself like this.” He tugged at his sodden shirt in disgust and stalked away. Diana shot a murderous look at Joe before flouncing after him.

Esi looked even angrier than Diana. “Threshold,” she said icily, and marched through the French windows into the garden.

He followed her out into a clear night, lit by London glare and an impossibly thin crescent moon. She whirled on him. “What was that?”

“I—I don’t know!” he stammered. “That man has the reflexes of a cat! What was I supposed to do?”

“Walk away? Make another plan? Now you’ve just made yourself look like a complete psycho!” She paced away and back, until she was in his face again, her eyes bright with fury. “Do you even want Diana? Because you don’t act like it.”

He stared at her. In the cold and the adrenaline, it came on him like a rush: the truth he had been pushing away for weeks now.I want you.“No,” he said, his voice unsteady. “I don’t.”

She was so close to him, barely a breath between them. Her gaze flicked down to his mouth. “Joe,” she said, half-alarmed and half-wanting, and he barely noticed that she hadn’t used his full name. All that could fit into his head was how badly he wanted to kiss her.

He pulled her close and she was warm, an ember burning in the cold garden. Her mouth was soft, her fingers hesitantly exploring his neck, as if she were just beginning to believe he might be real. He crashed headlong into the moment, not thinking of the future, thinking of nothing but her, the impossible sensation of her tongue sliding against his, the way she tasted like tangerines and honey. They kissed like time was running out, because it was, closing the window in which this wasn’t-happening-couldn’t-happen-was-never-meant-to-happen, narrowing to their hands and their mouths and the tiny, panicked sound she made as she pulled away.

They stared at each other. Esi was breathing hard, her eyes wide, her face stricken. Without a word, she turned and fled back inside.

Chapter Seventeen

“So,” said Dr. Lewis, facing him down from her armchair. “How was your break?”

He stared at her, wondering how best to sum it up.Oh, it was great. I utterly failed to seduce my future lover. Instead, I assaulted her boyfriend and ended up kissing someone else.A thrill of guilt ran through him. Not justsomeone else. Esi.

They had spent the rest of the party avoiding each other. He had awoken the next morning, surrounded by strangers on the floor of Diana’s basement, to a single text:

staying in London to get my hair done

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