Page 11 of Absolute Valor

“When Dylan asked me to unpack your boxes, I nearly dropped this when I saw the signature.” Her fingers twisting in her lap, a habit I, too had, when I became nervous. “I had to ask him three times if he was sure you wouldn’t want it displayed in the back office or even at your home.”

I imagined how awkward this guitar would look on the wall of my condo. I had assumed when I rented the condo for Harmony, she would have gone crazy with paint and wallpaper, but she hadn’t. The same builder, boring white walls still looked hard at me every morning. Taunting me, this was as far as I would ever get with her, a lease with her name on it and no real sign she lived there.

“You know, I wished I would have had this when I was in Afghanistan.” I took the conversation three thousand miles away, into much safer territory. “When we would do routine patrols, these kids would come running from out of thin air, begging us for chocolate and pens. Bick, bick they would chant.” My fingers were strumming a random tune, notes which seemed to blend together.

“Chocolate? In the desert?” Audrey’s surprised tone makes me smile. When I asked my Momma to send me as much chocolate and pens as she could, she asked me the same question. Of course, when the seven boxes arrived, my Lieutenant told me to share them with my fellow Marines or toss them, but not to give them to the kids.

“Oh, yes,” I nodded my head. “See, the United States has occupied Afghanistan since the early two thousands, but the Russians were there way back in the nineteen eighties, leaving behind many blonde haired children in their efforts to help the people there.” Audrey’s eyes grew larger, and then headed south again, to her hands in her lap.

“Seems like no matter where you’re from, shirking your responsibilities is normal.” It was slight, and she tried to hide it, but there was something deeper in her words than just an observation.

“Did you take lessons?” Her recovery almost flawless, as Miss Audrey is also a master of diversion. “Or was this something you taught yourself?”

“A little of both.” I admitted, willing to play her game and return the courtesy. “When my Granddaddy was alive, he and I spent time together by playing. He taught me the basics. What he didn’t show me, I managed to pick up on my own.” Our eyes meet by accident, though neither one of us appeared to want the moment to end.

“Well, you make it look easy. I expect you’re one of those people who comes about this naturally, like those folks who can play by ear.” Rising from the couch, Audrey speaks over her shoulder. “Dylan says I have the next few days off while y’all have your trip.”

I’m about to ask her to come with me, ride on the back of my bike, but I know if I do, it had the potential to change things between us. There was also the matter of my relationship with Harmony. As badly as I wanted to have her with me, Dylan was right, sometimes people speak louder without uttering a single word.

Returning the guitar to the rack on the wall, I head toward the door. “Audrey, tell Dylan I’ll be back later, I’ve got to go talk to somebody.”

Forty minutes later, I sat on the freshly cut grass where we buried both Nana and Granddaddy. A massive marble headstone gleamed in the setting sun. Two smiling faces greeted me back behind glass frames Momma insisted on having installed. When she came out here to talk with her parents, she wanted to see their faces the way she remembered them.

I grabbed the pint of Hennessy I had dangling in my hand on the way over. This is how we always had discussions that involved matters of either the heart, or life changing events.

“I brought the Hennessey, so you know this is serious.” A robin flew from one tree to another, its wings rustling the leaves. “I know I don’t have to tell you what’s going on, you’ve been watching everything from where you are.” Thinking of the arguments between me and my brothers, and my accusing them of all sorts of things.

“I know you ain’t proud of me right now. Hell, I ain’t real happy with myself either.” I tossed the bottle into the blades of grass at my feet, resting my elbows on the tops of my knees.

“They keep telling me Harmony is doing all of these things, and I don’t want to believe them. I’m trying to do as you say Nana, and see the good in everyone. But then…”

Shaking my head, I turn my attention to the final rays of the setting sun. “But then Audrey came along. Such a timid little thing with so much life in her eyes, and just as much pain resting there; too. And I want to save her, Granddaddy. I want to wrap her up in my arms and kick every motherfucker’s ass who put that fucking pain in her eyes.” Taking in a deep breath, I swallowed the anger which percolated every time I thought about Lucas and the way he hit her.

“Sorry, Nana. I know you don’t like for us to swear, but sometimes it’s better than punching what makes you angry.”

I let the quiet of the ending day take over, bringing with it a realization of sorts. As the night took over and the sounds of the South Carolina summer lullaby began to play, I stretched out, letting my back hit the grass behind me, stretching my hands to my side, and letting my mind settle the battle it had with my heart.

“I’m starting to think they’re right.” Somehow, admitting it out loud made it more real. “I’ve tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it’s been ten days since she left, with no call or nothing. And you have always said, go with your gut.”

When the chiggers began to bite, I lifted myself back up, my arms meeting the tops of my knees again. “You’d like Audrey, Nana. She’s a lot like you, making sure everyone else is taken care of before she does anything for herself.” A smile crossed my face as I spoke her name. “She’s witty like you, Granddaddy, has the same way of putting a spin on what she says.”

I tried hard to think of how to describe Harmony, the good in her harder to find. “Harmony is a great girl, too. She befriended me when I needed someone to talk to at a time when I couldn’t tell Momma and Daddy what I was doing over there.” Her first email came after I had returned from overwatch, when Havoc was shot in the chest. I’d been unable to explain to Austin and Dylan why I wanted to be with her, choosing instead to become defensive, and allow a crack in the bond we’ve had for years.

“I can’t stop the way I feel when I think about Audrey. Or how I miss her when I’m laying in the dark, in the bed I bought for Harmony, wishing like hell she was lying beside me.” Last night, I’d woken in the early hours of the morning, worried something had gone wrong. Reaching out over the cold sheets, I would swear up and down I could see Audrey there in bed with me.

“I think about her all the time. I worry when she gets in the car, goes back to her house, and I can’t see her to make sure she made it there safely. In the morning, I jump out of bed because I know I’m about to see her.” Seeing her this morning, I appreciated how she wore her skirts long, giving me tons of space to imagine what she would look like in shorts or in just her panties and my shirt. Or, fuck me until tomorrow, naked and calling my fucking name.

“But I know what you would say if you were here right now. You would say I need to be honest, not only with Harmony and Audrey, but mostly myself. To be the man you know me to be and not the piece of shit I’m becoming.”

I stood to take the bottle over to Granddaddy, opening it up like he always did, and then taking the first taste to make sure it was made right. “And I know you would tell me to talk to Austin and apologize for being a dickhead.” Placing my finger along the edge of Nana’s picture, “Sorry Nana,” I whispered. “I plan to go see him after I leave here, and not let another day pass with this anger between us. And I swear I’m gonna be honest with Harmony, let her know I’m not the guy she thinks I am.” I poured a good dose of the Hennessey on the grass, which covers Granddaddy’s side of the grave. “I’m gonna ask Audrey if she’s willing to give a southern boy like me a chance to show her how a man is supposed to treat a woman he cares about.”

My cell phone started buzzing in my pocket, I knew from the way the vibration was continuous; it wasn’t one of my brothers calling. Pulling it from my pocket, the words on my screen were bright red and flashing. Someone had hit the panic button under Audrey’s desk.

---