Page 16 of Absolute Valor

“Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.”

—Henry David Thoreau

“You want me to ride along with you?” A million different scenarios flashed through my mind, competing for space within the chaos of clutter in my mind. He would regret offering to have me in such close proximity to him. I wanted to accept, to fulfill the multitude of day dreams I’ve had as I watched him ride away, of being the girl he whisks away for a better life. Looking into his hopeful eyes, I can almost believe he’s sincere.

“I do,” he paused, tilting his head slightly to the left, he inhaled a deep breath, and then blew every dream I’d ever had away. “It’s one of the many things on the list I want to do with you.”

A part of me, the side who still found joy in life, wanted to throw my arms around his neck, telling him exactly how much I wanted to not only go with him, but check off as many things as possible on his list. The other side, admittedly the more cynical and untrusting one, which spent the most time exposed to the real world, reminded me of my inability to understand the true meaning behind his words. Not to mention my harsh reality of not owning a single pair of jeans or any other items required to ride.

“While I appreciate the offer, I must decline.” I felt the spirited girl inside me who wanted to say yes, curl into herself, losing another grain of hope she’d gained by working here. I watched as his facial expression changed, morphing from compassionate with a splash of concern, to determined with a new mission.

“You have something better going on? Got a village of refugees you have to dig a well for?” I shook my head, feeling the edges of my anxiety becoming brittle. “You have a date with the Queen of England for high tea?” Priscilla smacked his chest, scolding him with a roll of her eyes and purse of her lips. “Sorry, Momma, but it could happen. Audrey may be the long lost daughter of an aristocrat and the Queen Mother found her and is going to turn her in for the reward.” This was my favorite side of Chase, the one who changed his voice as he told a story, teasing in a way no one could ever be offended.

“I’m sorry, Audrey, you’ll have to forgive my son. Chase has suffered brain damage at the hands of his brothers, or maybe it was the head butt he received from a wayward goat.” Chase hung his head, silently laughing as Dylan answered a call, excusing himself to the back. “My sons think their poor mother is oblivious to what they do, but I have my ways of finding things out.” Her words were an assurance this applied to more than the antics of young boys.

“You gonna tell me why you can’t come? Or are you gonna keep getting me in hot water with this beautiful woman here?” Chase tipped his head quickly in Priscilla’s direction.

By telling the truth about Virginia, I’d managed to back myself into a corner. I couldn’t turn back and lie to his face after what had happened. “It’s silly really,” I lowered my head. It had been a while since I was ashamed to admit something, hiding from the fears I stuffed in a wooden box, too frightened to face them head on. They would never go away if I continued to allow them to grow. “I don’t own a pair of jeans.”

When you’ve spent so many years assuming the world would end if you showed one spec of vulnerability, the truth, not the bullshit you convinced yourself of, is a slap upside the head of how stupid you have been. Chase didn’t laugh or point fingers at me. The room didn’t erupt in confusion or fall down around me. Chase waited as if there was more to what I had to say, when it was evident my reason was so simple, he began. “Okay, what else?”

“What do you mean what else? I can’t get on the back of your bike in a skirt and tennis shoes.”

“Well you could, but I’d prefer you didn’t. We aren’t leaving at the butt crack of dawn, you have plenty of time to go buy a pair.” In Chase’s world my issue is simple; just jump in the car, drive to the store and get what you need. In my world, the one where I’m living in a closet, visiting a store is limited to groceries and spending less than five dollars while you’re there.

“Audrey?” Lainie calls from beside Austin, with a voice of salvation, knowing her background is the same as mine. “Heidi has gained a good amount of weight since she got her divorce. I know of at least three pairs of jeans she bought not long ago she can’t get into now.” I’m not above taking a life ring and allowing Lainie to save me from telling Chase I have to save every dime, I have to start my life over.

“Oh,” Priscilla broke in, “I almost forgot! I bought two jackets, I couldn’t decide which one I liked better. Since I’ve lost the receipt, they’ll just sit in my closet collecting dust.” Priscilla may have grown up with a silver spoon in her mouth, but her heart is made of pure gold. I wouldn’t question her motives or call her out on the lie she told. Dean took care of his wife—money wasn’t something she had to worry about or carry with her. I’d be surprised if she really knew what a receipt looked like.

“As far as a helmet, I’ll distract Dylan long enough for you to grab one he has in stock.” Claire winked as she spoke loud enough for the man himself to turn around and give her a two-finger salute, still talking with whomever he had on the phone. I appreciated where Claire was coming from, but I knew how much those little bastard’s cost.

“So, there you have it. Clothes and a brain bucket to protect your pretty head, any other issues we can fix for you?”

Oh, Chase, if you only knew the trouble I had hidden in places I didn’t know how to find. The secrets I have to keep so they stay safely hidden. The solution is so much bigger than a trip to a store or a new jacket. The largest issue I have, is connected with the con-artist who has been sobbing like a baby since she heard Dean mentioned the word Federal. So much for her threats of telling Lucas where I am, he would rather die than step foot anywhere near the county jail.

“So it’s settled, you will come with us, enjoying a weekend get away with three handsome men and one old dude, who has enough money to attract a smoking hot momma like Priscilla Morgan.” Dean stood in the doorway, glancing up briefly from his phone in Chase’s direction. “You forget who had money first, young man. I won your Momma with my good looks and ability to make her smile.”

“Dean,” Priscilla chastised.

“What? Cilla they are all grown men, with healthy sexual appetites.”

Austin moved forward, his hands raised in defense, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please, for the love of all that’s holy, stop talking about sex and momma in the same sentence.”

Chase closed his eyes and shook his head, “Dude, how the heck do you think you’re even standing here? Immaculate conception?” What a joy to know the Morgan brothers considered themselves blood related. There were no pieces of paper signed by a judge separating them from a special bond. “Cause you sure as shit ain’t Jesus.” My eyes resembled Claire’s as the two brothers gave each other a look, still not accustomed to the brash way they spoke around their parents.

“I’ve been called God a few times.” Austin shot back, nudging the arm of Lainie, causing her cheeks to pink up.

“Anyway,” Chase retorted, extending the word out in emphasis. “Since we have established the possibility of our parents bumping uglies, can I ask Audrey a question now?”

I was so relieved this incident had not resulted in my losing my job, I let the happiness flow from every pore. “Sure, what’s your question?”

“Why are you in the office,” he looked to his watch, “at eleven at night, wearing your pajamas?” His fingers gently ruffled the edge of my sleep shirt, a gift I’d gotten from a nurse at the hospital, a stuffed lamb matching the ones on the pocket came with it. I tried hard not to think of where the little lamb was right now. I had tucked it away, having never worn anything like this with Lucas in the house, he would use the juvenileness of it to make fun of me.

Fear can be the biggest blindfold in the creating of an alibi. When I heard Ginny trying to steal the guitar, I forgot the state of dress I was in, choosing to charge out and stop her, instead of changing into street clothes. I wouldn’t regret my decision; it brought too much good with it, making a family whole again.

“Before I answer, I need you to know if you want to take back your offer of me going tomorrow, I won’t be mad.” I searched his face before I opened the proverbial can of worms. “My electric bill got too high for me to pay, so they turned off the service. With no electricity, Lucas stays away, which is a positive, but the air conditioning doesn’t work, which has gotten to be a big negative. When I was organizing the back room, I found a door for under the steps. Even with the size, I knew I could hide, so I cleaned it out and moved in.”

Anticipation is almost always worse than the actual event. Chase sat intently, his blue eyes flicking back and forth, processing my confession of poverty and in some circles, failure. Dylan’s conversation was suddenly audible, not because he had such a loud voice, although let’s be honest, he did. Only now, it was because of the silence in the room. Their shocked faces combined with the absence of the fan motor and the lack of white noise made the tension in the room quadruple.

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