Page 35 of Tactical Lies

Not that it would be appropriate to do that now that they weren't a couple.

Still, her gaze dropped a little then her cheeks heated when she saw his head dip, his gaze following her own.

“Do you need to do it?” he asked without hesitation, making her gaze snap back up to meet his.

How could he ask her that?

Didn't he know it would be inappropriate?

It had always been a weird way for her to deal with her trauma, but it had worked. It had made her feel like she had control over her body, who touched her, when, and how.

Even now, with twelve years between this moment and the last time they’d been together, there was no fear like there would be with another man. With her fiancé, it had taken months for her to allow him to even hold her hand, more months before she would let him kiss her, and over a year before she’d been ready to have sex with him.

Connor was just different.

He was part of her and that hadn't changed even though so many years had passed.

“We can't,” she whispered.

“Why?”

“Because we’re not a couple anymore.”

There was no way she couldn’t miss his wince at her words. Still his voice was even when he spoke. “So?”

“What do you mean so?”

“Would it help?”

“Yes,” she somewhat reluctantly answered.

“If we were still a couple would you do it without thinking?”

“You know I would.”

“Then do it. I don’t mind. Becca, all I want is to help you, to make up for letting you down, and find a way to fix things between us. I know this isn’t that, but it is something. It’s something I can do to help you now when you're scared and hurting. Please, let me give you this at least.”

It felt wrong but her hands seemed to move of their own accord. Connor was offering and he wasn't trying to attach any strings to it.

The truth was, couple or not, thiswouldhelp to calm her racing heart, it would help still the voices in her head, it would remind her that she was still a person, still a woman, and not just a rape victim.

He didn't stop her as she unzipped and pushed down his jeans. In fact, there was a tender smile on his face as she reached into his boxers and pulled his length free. At her touch, it hardened a little, but they both knew this wasn't about sex.

Shifting back so he was resting against the bed’s headboard, Connor guided her head to his lap, and she took his length into her mouth.

As soon as the familiar taste hit her tongue, she felt every muscle in her body relax.

Home.

Connor tasted like home. Like safety, love, and protection.

Nestling her head on his massive thigh, she sucked gently on his length, almost like a baby would on a pacifier. Which was, in essence, what she was doing. Using the tactile feel of his penis to soothe herself while reminding herself that she was in charge. Connor would never turn this into a sexual thing, he wouldn't steal her power, he wouldn't take anything from her that she wouldn't willingly give him.

So when his hand began to stroke her hair, she let her eyes drift closed. She was safe with Connor, she didn't have to worry, didn't have to be on alert.

Even though she knew wishes were pointless, Becca couldn’t help but wish there was a way that she could hold onto this feeling and make it her reality again.

But that was kidding herself.

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