Page 22 of Love and Other Chances

No. No, no, no. I haven’t had that dream in years.

Looking at the clock, I see it’s a little past 6:00 a.m., long before my alarm was set to go off at 7:00 to get ready for our Monday morning staff meeting. My heart is racing, and I know I won’t be able to fall back asleep.

I quickly dress in leggings and a t-shirt, sweeping my hair up into a ponytail. The shower is running in the bathroom, which means Gina must be awake already. Slipping my phone into my pocket, I sneak out the front door to avoid having to talk with her yet.

The sun is barely beginning to cast light into the darkness, leaving the early morning draped in charcoal gray. I turn down the sidewalk, my feet moving on autopilot as they carry me toward my regular prayer walk path. When my mind is most muddled, I need movement to help me get my thoughts out.

I’m so confused, God. Why did Brooks have to come back into my life? Why now? Was this just your way of pointing me back to teaching? Couldn’t you have found someotherarrow to point me in that direction? Why did it have to be the one person I can’t afford to get close to again? The one person I have such a hard time resisting?

Why would you be this cruel?

A single tear slips down my cheek. I wipe it away and quicken my pace, determined to outrun the pain.

Okay, I’m listening to your plans for my future. Please help me figure out what I’m supposed to do. What you want me to do. Whether it’s continuing on Arrow staff for a few more years, or if it’s teaching, or something completely different. Maybe you want me to be a flight attendant? Except I really don’t know if I could handle stressed-out people yelling at me all day. Could it not be that, please?

I’m suddenly role-playing imaginary conversations with angry passengers who didn’t want to check their overly-large carry-on bags when my elbow bumps into someone running in the opposite direction.

“Whoa there, Teegan!” Bailey says, slowing to a stop and pulling out her earbud. “I know it’s still a little dark, but watch out.” She says this with a smile, so I don’t think she’s upset with me.Interesting.

“I’m so sorry, Bailey! I don’t think I’m fully awake yet,” I apologize.

She gives a slight laugh. “It’s okay. I get lost in my thoughts sometimes too.”

We stand there, awkwardly smiling at each other for a beat.

“Hey, I’d still love to hang out sometime,” Bailey says.

“Yeah, for sure!” I respond, channeling cheer into my voice. “Maybe we could grab dinner sometime after you’re off work? Or lunch on a weekend?”

“I’ll text you about it,” Bailey replies with a nod. “See you soon, hopefully!”

She puts her earbud back in right as I call out, “Enjoy the rest of your run!”

Running into my other blast from the past sends my thoughts to Brooks again. To him still going to the disco with me after everyone else bailed. To him bringing my favorite snacks and our easy conversation. To the pure enjoyment of dancing our cares away together. To the look on his face when he stepped in to rescue me.

To the look on his face on the drive home, right before he was about to apologize for our past.

I can’t risk that again. Please, God, help me to keep my distance emotionally. I want to be friendly at small group, but I can’t handle more.

Help me.

Chapter ten

September flies by now that students have settled into their routines. I’m enjoying each of the Bible studies I’m leading (even the earlier-than-preferred Friday morning senior group). I’m on my way out the door for church when a text comes through.

BAILEY

Hey Teegan. Would you have time for dinner this week? I’m usually available after 6:30. Or I’m even open tonight if you’re free.

I’m busy practically every weeknight, so I decide to jump right in and get this awkward first hangout over with.

My evenings are pretty packed M-Th, but I could do dinner tonight! Taco Lucha ok?

BAILEY

Sure, sounds good. 6:00 work?

Yep! I’ll meet you there!

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