Page 35 of Love and Other Chances

A tear trickles down my cheek as I reach the painful part of the explanation.

“From a physical standpoint, we’d never done anything more than kiss because we agreed we didn’t want to go any further than that. Over Christmas break of my junior year, Brooks started acting weird. He began pushing the boundaries a little bit, and when I called him out on it, he didn’t react well.”

My cheeks flush remembering the embarrassment I felt. I take comfort in the pressure of Amaya’s arm around my shoulders. “I mean,we loved each other, so the temptation to go further physically was always there. I had friends from my church youth group who shared my personal convictions about physical boundaries, but Brooks had the opposite. I think the other basketball guys were giving him grief about it. But I told him that I hadn’t changed my mind. Brooks said that if I wouldn’t be physically intimate with him, our relationship was done.”

Lana interrupts as she flips open her laptop next to her. “One second. I’m buying Mateo a plane ticket right now.”

I exhale a breath through my tears. “Unless you also have a time machine, that won’t do much good.”

“I’m very resourceful when it comes to issues of justice. I bet I could will one into existence,” Lana says. I can practically see steam spouting from her ears.

“I never want to be on your bad side, LaLa,” I try to joke, but everything falls flat right now.

Amaya squeezes my shoulder. “I’m really sorry, Teegan. I’m sorry you were treated that way.”

I look down at my hands in my lap. “I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was crushed. Beyond crushed. I was pulverized. Vaporized. I was only seventeen, but I felt like I’d lost the love of my entire life. But you know me—I couldn’t let anyone know that I was that sad. So I acted like it was no big deal,” I explain. Amaya nods, and Lana makes an affirmative sound.

“During the day, I put on the mask of my usual upbeat self. I acknowledged my disappointment that the relationship ended, but never told anyone how destroyed I was. By the time spring semester rolled around, Brooks was going out with a senior girl on the cheer squad. They only dated for about a month, but she openly flaunted their physical relationship. It was crystal clear that she did not have any of the boundaries that I did with him. Nor did the next girl he very publicly dated after her. He moved on like we’d never meant anything, even though Iknowwe meant everything.”

I sniff as a new wave of sobs gathers in my throat. “Nothing was okay. Because as much as I faked it, as much as Brooks acted like we never mattered, I knew I wasn’t crazy. That I wasn’t exaggerating ormisremembering the depth of what we’d been to each other. I hid the truth from everyone, but at night, I would shut myself in my room and listen to ‘All Too Well’on repeat. Every night for months, I’d cry alone, with Taylor as my only witness.”

“Oh my gosh—that’s why you wouldn’t ever watch the ten-minute version music video with us,” Lana says.

I nod. “Yeah, I listened to the ten-minute version one time the day the album came out, then swore I’d never listen again. Because every aching moment of those lonely nights flooded back. In excruciating detail.”

Amaya moves her arm from my shoulders to place her hand on mine. “You could have told us, Beef,” she says quietly.

My eyes fill again. “I know I could have. I just wanted to pretend he didn’t exist.” I close my eyes. “But hedoesexist. And he shared his faith testimony at small group, so I know he’s not the same person he was in high school. I can see the ways that his relationship with Jesus has changed him. Still, I was determined to keep some distance between us, you know, because of our history. But he came here Friday night and took care of me when I was sick.” I fill them in on the extent of Brooks’ tender attention.

I take a long drink of my slushie, trying to calm down my flight instinct.

“Yesterday morning, he called me ‘Sneaks.’ It was his nickname for me in high school,” I say. Amaya and Lana both look confused. “I used to be a huge Sneakerhead,” I say sheepishly. Their jaws drop in surprise.

“Wait a second,” Amaya interrupts. “So, Lana was secretly a soccer star in high school, and you were secretly a Sneakerhead. Am I the only one who didn’t hide some essential part of my identity when we became friends?!”

Lana rolls her eyes.

“It’s like we don’t even know you,” Amaya jokes, bumping my shoulder.

“I know, I know, that doesn’t jive with the version of me that you know. But I used to ask for different Nikes every year for any birthday or holiday gift. Brooks and I both collected them. We’d spend hourstogether scouring websites for good deals on Dunks, Jordans, and Air Force 1s. But when he broke up with me, I sold every pair I owned and never bought another one again. It felt too much like a part ofus.”

We’re all silent for a beat. “I’m sorry I never told you about all this. But talking about it makes me feel it.” My voice breaks off, and Amaya rubs a hand across my back again. “I don’t want to feel it,” I whisper.

Amaya pulls me into a hug, unleashing a new wave of silent tears.

“We’re here for you, Teegs,” Lana says. “I know you don’t want to feel the painful things. But when you can’t avoid feeling them, you don’t have to feel them alone.”

“That’s right,” Amaya adds. “We’ve got your back, always.”

“Thanks, Beefs,” I say, wiping my cheeks.

“How do you need us to be here right now?” Lana asks. She smirks before adding, “I do have flights pulled up for Mateo and me if necessary.”

I huff a laugh. “No roughing up required. Honestly, I don’t know what to do at this point. There’s a part of me that wants to avoid Brooks at all costs. Like, I would catch a flight to D.C. and move in with you and Mateo rather than risk ever seeing him again.”

“Done and done,” Lana says with a tender smile.

I give a weak smile back. “But there’s another piece of my heart that feels like Teegan is missing. I was okay all these years that Brooks was behind me. But now that he’s back . . . I’m lost all over again. Andthatslice of my heart never wants to be apart from him again. But I don’t know if that’s actually a good idea.” I groan and bury my head in my hands.

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