Page 42 of Love and Other Chances

“For months I had a dream. Every night, the same dream. You were back. You loved me again. We were together.” I take a shuddering breath. “But I didn’t even get that tiny moment of happiness, not even while I was asleep. Because, even in the middle of the dream, I was aware that it wasn’t real. I would cryinthe dream because I knew you weren’t really there. That you didn’t really love me. Even Dream Teegan knew it wasn’t reality. I’d wake up crying, feeling the pain fresh. All over again, every night. Every day.”

I feel moisture trickle down my neck where Brooks’ face is pressed. The sensation uncorks a new bottle of my own tears.

“I can’t go back. I can’t survive that again, Brooks. Not from you. You ripped our souls apart once and made me feel like I made it all up, and I just . . . I can’t.” I break down again, covering my face with my hands.

Brooks’ other arm wraps around my waist, clutching me against him. I feel his shudders all around me. We just sit there, silently mourning together.

“I’m sorry, Teeg. I’m so sorry.” His voice is scratchy, broken as he speaks. “What I did to you is the worst thing I’ve ever done. The dumbest, most immature decision I’ve ever made in my life. I’d give anything to have the chance to go back in time and stop myself.”

He pauses to take a breath, and my head falls back against his shoulder. His voice is barely above a whisper as he continues speaking against my ear.

“I never should have let the guys on the team convince me that you were anything less than everything. I was young, and I was an idiot. I cared too much about what the guys thought of me and not nearly enough about you. I was selfish and cruel and disgusting. The amount of shame and hatred that I’ve felt toward myself isn’t something I can quantify. But regret can’t change that I did it.” He takes a deep inhale and exhale, my head rising and falling with the movement of his chest.

“Never, ever was I over you, Teeg. I know I acted like I was, that I started dating and sleeping with other girls right away. I know it looked like I was flaunting it in your face. But those relationships were so fleeting they don’t qualify as relationships. They were all empty.Iwas empty. I used being with those girls as a way to dull the self-inflicted pain of not being with you. Which is a whole other set of behaviors and attitudes toward those girls that I’ve had to work through and repent of over time.”

Brooks pauses again. Releasing his arms from holding me, he leans around my shoulder. “Please, can I look you in the eye when I say this?”

Blowing out a shaky breath, I shift on the floor to face him, and he immediately pulls my hands into his. “I loved you, Teegan. That was real. The most real thing I’d ever experienced until I found Jesus. After I became a Christian, I dated a girl from FCA for a couple of months. It was the closest thing to a relationship I’ve had aside from you. It was different in every way from the flings I kept throwing myself into after we broke up. But I ended it when I realized I couldn’t stop comparing her to you. And that wasn’t fair to her.

“I told you our relationship was over, but you’ve never been over for me. So many times, I thought about trying to reach out and reconcile with you, to beg you to forgive me. Even if we couldn’t be together, to at least give you the apology you deserved.” Brooks squeezes his eyes shut. “But I convinced myself that you would have moved on by then, that it would only hurt you more by bringing it back up.”

He reaches a hand up to brush the tears off my cheek, cupping my jaw. “And then I walked through the door of Caleb’s house, and there you were. Standing right there, back in my life again. Looking devastatingly gorgeous in that pink jumpsuit. Choking on a cookie,” he says with a hint of a smile.

“And my heart remembered everything. I wanted to grab your hand and leave with you right then. To tell you I was sorry, to tell you about all the ways I’ve changed, to ask you about every detail of your life since I ruined it. To ignore everyone else in that house and beg to know everything about you again.”

Brooks shakes his head softly as he closes his eyes. His hand drops back to mine. “But I didn’t deserve that from you. Idon’tdeserve that from you. I stopped myself, told myself I should give you distance from me.

“But getting to know you all over again ate away at my resolve. Seeing the same Teegan I once loved but also the new ways you’ve blossomed as a woman. Especially now that we share the same faith, I’m seeing you through this whole different lens. Appreciating the nuances of your character, your care for other people. Sitting in small group, listening to you share insights from the Bible, hearing the ways it shapes your life. Hearing your heart for the students you’re guiding spiritually. It was sexy in a way I didn’t realize was possible.”

“Brooks!” I gasp, cheeks burning. He looks at me with a wry smirk for a moment before his face falls serious again.

“And then at the disco, when I saw that guy all over you, all I could see was red.” Brooks’ jaw hardens, his grip tensing around my hands. “I’ve never been filled with that kind of rage in my life. But then I stepped in, and he said you told him I wasn’t your boyfriend. And all that anger instantly shifted to my own shoulders. I was furious with myself that I wasn’t yours. Angry that I ever let you go.”

A new tear trickles down my cheek, falling onto my arm. But I don’t move.

Brooks takes another breath. “I spent that entire night, the entire drive home the next day, trying to think about what I could possibly do to earn my way back to you again. To prove to you that I’m different, that I’m not the same Brooks who was dumb enough to ruin us. I’m still desperate to figure that out. Desperate to have a chance.”

I close my eyes, trying to breathe as thinking and feeling drain all of my energy.What do I do? What do I want? What can I risk? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

“I’m so overwhelmed, Brooks,” I finally say, eyes still closed. “I don’t know how to sort through what I’m feeling. I don’t even understand what I’m feeling. It’s so much.” I open my eyes to meet his, still seeing the same pleading in his eyes. But there’s understanding, patience there too.

Inhaling a deep breath, I slowly blow it out. “I need some time to think.”

Brooks reaches up to tuck my hair behind my ear, his fingers lingering on my neck. I shiver. My heart may be undecided regarding Brooks, but there’s nothing undecided about my body’s reaction to his touch. “I’ll give you however much time you want, Teegan. And if you reach the conclusion that I’ve lost my chance with you forever, I’ll be heartbroken, but I’ll back off.”

Brooks swallows hard and glances down, then looks up at me with a gleam in his eyes. His fingers grip more possessively behind my head. “But until then, you need to know that I’m bringing the full-court press. Because I know what I want. And it’s you. It’s us.”

His face is inches from mine, so even his whisper cuts straight through me as he adds, “It’s everything.”

We’re frozen in place for what feels like hours, though it’s probably only seconds. I’m confident that Brooks is fighting the urge to kiss me becauseI’mfighting the urge to kiss him, and I haven’t decided if I want us or not. He eventually stands and pulls me up to my feet. I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand, unsure how to transition out of this moment. At least my puffy eyes are matched by the red rims of Brooks’ eyes.

I motion toward the shoe box on the floor. “I need you to keep those. At least for now.” A pair of shoes shouldn’t be such a big deal, but they carry the weight of the past. I don’t think I can handle having them under the same roof as me.

Brooks nods. “They’ll be here.” He looks meaningfully at me. “I’ll be here.”

I’m starting to feel jittery, like I need to climb out of my skin. I pull open the front door, grateful for the rush of cold November air. On my way out, Brooks grabs my hand again. I lookback at him.

“Full-court press—I’m warning you. Unless you shut me down, I’m coming for you, Teegan Jones.” His tone is slightly teasing, but his eyes are impassioned.

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