Page 9 of Love and Other Chances

My redirection of the conversation works, at least for now. We talk for another forty minutes before saying goodbye. Every week when we hang up, a wave of despondency floods over me. Some days, I quickly distract myself from the depressing emotions, usually by leaving the house to go hang out with a group of students.

But today, I set a two-minute timer and let myself wallow in the specific sadness brought on by missing the past. Whatever the depressed cousin of nostalgia is—that’s what I feel. Loving my current life but also wishing I could go back to those (mostly) carefree college days. Planning AOPi events with Amaya. Learning how to study with Lana. Summer Projects together. Late nights talking. Countless slushie runs.

Wishing we could all be together again.

My timer beeps, and I push myself up off my bed. I picture myself flying up, up, above the clouds. I imagine the rush of the sun on my face, the breeze against my skin.

I’m not sure what Gina has going on today, so I text her to see if she’d want to go over to the dorms together. There are a handful of new sorority freshmen I haven’t seen since recruitment week that I need to go visit again.

Some people time is exactly what I need to distract myself from . . . well, everything.

When Wednesday rolls around, I’m equal parts exhausted and relieved.

This week was the first time that each of my Bible study groups met. I’m leading groups in AOPi on Monday evenings and one of the other sororities, TriAlpha (short for Alpha Alpha Alpha), on Tuesday nights—which is slightly ironic considering they were our biggest rival when I was a student. This year, I scheduled another group earlier on Tuesday evenings with random girls from the dorms and off-campus. Sofia spearheaded the idea, and I just couldn’t say no.

I love the girls in each group and have so much fun in the moment, but as I drive to Joy’s house, I feel tension leave my body at the thought of hanging out with my newpeerfriends again. That is, until I think about interacting with Brooks, and then a different tension pops its head out of a new gopher hole.

The song “GOOD DAY” by Forrest Frank starts playing from my “Uplifting Tunes” playlist, and I crank up the volume. Singing along at the top of my lungs, I’m convincing myself of the words.

This is going to be a good day. A good time with good friends. You can be friends with Brooks. No biggie.

I park in front of the house and enter to a hug from Joy and greetings from those who have already arrived. There are light snacks again (and more cookies from Sarah—butterscotch this time). I chat with Will and Natalie as we wait for the rest of the group.

Brooks joins our conversation, and I’m mentally patting myself on the back for how nonchalant I act about it. He shares a little bit about his week of teaching, and I wish our history didn’t exist so I could ask a million follow-up questions—why he decided to start teaching, what drew him to it, what he loves about it, what’s hard, and what’s amazing.

I was so close to stepping into the world of education, and it intrigues me all over again. I was all set to become a special education teacher before I pivoted to join the Arrow staff team after graduating. I want to pick Brooks’ brain about his experience teaching, but the last thing I’m going to do is show too much interest in him.

Zero interest over here.

Caleb corrals us to the living room, and he begins by explaining that each week we’ll discuss one chapter from the book of John in the Bible. “Everyone can read chapter one for next week, but tonight I thought we could share something about our spiritual journeys. You’re welcome to share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with, or nothing at all. I’ll kick us off, but then we can popcorn around to whoever feels like sharing.”

My heart swells with gratitude as Caleb and then Jason share their faith testimonies of how they started believing in God and following Jesus. I never get tired of hearing real-life stories like this.

When there’s a lull after Jason, I jump in and share about growing up in church but beginning to take my faith more seriously in high school. I avoid eye contact with Brooks at all costs. “One of the women leading our high school group at church encouraged me to find a college ministry to plug in with so I could continue growing in my relationship with Jesus. I started attending Arrow meetings and wound up deepening my faithsomuch throughout college. It was the greatest blessing to be involved with such a great group, especially alongside my two best friends.”

Catherine shares next, followed by Candace. Brian seems more shy than Candace, so I’m not surprised when he doesn’t jump in after her.

“I can share,” Brooks says, and I try to prepare my heart. Is there any way to prepare myself for the missing puzzle pieces to be filled in? To find out what got him fromtheretohere?

“My family didn’t really go to church growing up, and neither did most of my friends.” His eyes dart ever-so-briefly to me. “But when I went to college, a couple of my teammates were really involved with Fellowship of Christian Athletes. I wasn’t interested at first, but there was something about those guys that drew me in. I eventually went with them to an FCA event and met other athletes who were also Christians. Over time, I learned about the Bible and Jesus. One day, I realized I wanted him in my life, tobemy life. I recognized bad choices I had made in my past and selfish patterns of living that I wanted to change.”

Another fleeting look in my direction, one that paralyzes my lungs.

“I kept growing in my faith throughout college, and the difference my family saw in me caused them to start going to church too. Now, I’m excited to continue growing along with all of you,” Brooks concludes with a smile.

Natalie speaks up next, and I will myself to listen to her instead of ruminating on Brooks’ story. Ruminating on how things could have been different if only . . .

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Listen to Natalie.

As the hour grows later, Caleb closes our time in prayer. Before everyone leaves, I pull a page from Social Chair Teegan’s book. “It’sonly eight-thirty, so if anyone wants to hang a little longer, we could head over to Creamiery to get gelato!”

Sarah, Will, and Brooks chime in positively, but I’m otherwise met with a chorus of apologies. I forget that not everyone socializes until nine or ten o’clock every night as part of their job. Or maybe everyone else isn’t as spontaneous as I am?

Creamiery is in the heart of Center Square, the hub of the city. All of Brooklyn’s major retail and social businesses line the streets. Local restaurants, coffee shops, gift stores, bars, and bookstores draw crowds from the community and the university every day. I pull up to Creamiery and parallel park like a boss. Unlike Lana, who’d drive circles around the streets until she found an angled parking spot, my impatience won out, and I learned to master parallel parking.

I take an extra few seconds in the car to ground myself.You are going to have a good time. Sarah and Will are so nice. They are your friends now. Brooks is also yourfriendnow. This is just four friends eating frozen dessert together.

After choosing our gelato flavors, we find a table. I take a bite of the new coffee cheesecake flavor I decided to try this time. “Oh, this is so good. You all should have ordered this flavor!”

---