Page 3 of Love and Other Chances

“Well, I have you two, obviously. Beefs for life, remember? What more could I need?!” I respond.

“Wrong answer,” Amaya says with a frown. “You know that Lana and I both have new friends that we hang out with even though the three of us will always bebestfriends. You need people there with you in person, Teegan. Havingfriendsto socialize with purely for the fun of it is different than socializing with students because it’s part of your job.”

“You can’t always be the one pouring out into other people all the time, Teegs,” Lana adds. “I know that you love helping people have the best time all the time, but you need people filling up your cup too. Or you wind up hiding in a dark kitchen.”

I sigh. As much as I don’t want to admit that something really is wrong with me . . . their comments are hitting home. I’ve thrown myself into my staff role for the past three years, never turning down an opportunity to invest time with students. Always planning epic social events to help everyone enjoy their college experience.

Of course, there are the other members of our staff team who are more like peers. But we’re always hanging out in the context of the ministry, not casually as friends. Even when wetryto hang out casually as friends, we wind up troubleshooting issues with students or coming up with new ideas for Arrow events.

I have coworkers, and I have younger girls I’m investing in. But I guess I don’t really have any friends here.

Heat burns behind my eyes, but I don’t want to plunge into those sad feelings right now. I talk to distract my thoughts.

“Okay, hypothetically, if you were right, then what would I need to do about it?” I ask.

“You need to meet some peers who aren’t wrapped up in the worlds of Townsend or Arrow. Have you met many people at your church?” Lana asks. During my first year on staff, I switched from the church most popular with college students to a different one. I guess I recognized a need for some separation from my full-time ministry job and my personal life. But apparently, I didn’t follow through beyond that small effort.

“Not a lot. Well, there’s this one woman named Joy who I’ve talked to several times,” I muse. “She and her husband are a few years older than us, but we tend to sit in the same area each week and chat after the service for a few minutes.”

“She seems like a good starting point,” Amaya says. “Why don’t you talk to her tomorrow morning? Ask her to get dinner or coffee sometime?”

“Yeah, I guess I could do that. Hopefully they go to the late service, since I’m sure I won’t make it to the early one after swing dancing tonight.”

“Absolutely not,” Amaya declares, while Lana simultaneously dictates, “Don’t you dare.”

I huff a laugh in spite of myself.

“No swing dancing. No nothing tonight,” Lana says. “Stay home, watch a movie, take a shower, or whatever relaxing thing sounds appealing. Go to bed early. Let your body rest, Beef.”

“And that’s an order,” Amaya concludes with gusto, although they’re both smiling warmly at me.

I avert my eyes to the ceiling to try to quell the burning sensation behind them again.I miss them so much.The technology of video calls is a blessing I count often, but it’s not the same as hugging my Beefs in the flesh. I miss our days of hanging out in the Alpha Omega Pi house—studying, listening to music, discussing boy problems, watching movies, doing Bible studies, attending sorority events together. Everything together.

“I promise I will,” I finally say, bringing my eyes back to their faces on my phone screen. “And I’ll report back on our regularly-scheduled call tomorrow afternoon, since I know that was your next command, LaLa.” Lana’s open mouth closes, and she smiles at me.

“I miss you, Teegs,” she says. “I missbothof you. I have to find a time to make it back to Kansas this fall to see you.”

We wrap up the conversation and say our goodbyes.

In the silence of our ended video call, I try to breathe deeply, evenly.

Do I want to keep doing this job?CanI keep doing this job?

The thought creeps in like a leech looking for a place to latch on to. I shake my head and stand up, unwilling to dwell on the doubt.

I finally open the text message about swing dancing, feeling guilty for abandoning my plans to join them. Gina is over at the dorms meeting students.Will she judge me if I stay in tonight instead of spending time with students?

But I remember my promise to Lana and Amaya, so I send a short text saying I won’t make it tonight.

I decide to take a long shower, blasting my “Dancey Taylor Swift” playlist at full volume. Singing along with her greatest upbeat hits distracts me from lingering on the negative thoughts that keep tapping on the door to my mind.

“Teegan, I’m so happy to see you!” Joy’s face lights up when she turns around after the service ends and spots me in the row behind her. I’d arrived a few minutes late to the church service after sleeping in, and I scanned the backs of everyone’s heads, hoping to find Joy’s signature pixie cut next to Caleb’s crew cut. Thankfully, I spotted them in their usual section and snuck into a seat behind them.

I lean into her hug, already feeling a smidge more peace after seeing her smile. “It’s great to see you again!”

“Where have you been all summer? It feels like forever since I last saw you at church,” Joy says.

“Yeah, I spent the entire summer at Arrow’s Summer Project in Florida. Normally, I would have had a couple of weeks off, but our leaders, Kent and Rachel, had twins over the summer. So I had to stay and keep things running since they couldn’t be there,” I explain. “And last weekend I had about fifteen sorority girls sleeping all over my duplex, so, needless to say, I didn’t make it to church last Sunday.”

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